RIP James Brown...

I loved James Brown. Even at his craziest he was still...you know, crazy like a fox. That kind of crazy.

Thing is...I do not care much for dead bodies. And this...this. Skeeves. Me. Out. BIG TIME.

I don't know where Kim Stewart has been...

...but I do know that her trip back must've been a rough one. Here she is, looking like poo warmed over, at Mansion in Miami.



Girlfriend needs a facial, a hair cut, a new stylist and some cuter shoes.

And who's the dude in the undershirt next to her? Good god. Unattractive people are invading Miami. Save yourselves!

Why? Dear God...WHY??

A Lohan Christmas.

Click at your own risk.

And when you're finished causing permanent damage to the part of your brain that responds to sound, click here to read GoFugYourself.com's recent post about little Ali Lohan.

A year in review...

Aw, Celebitchy...you're such a giver.

Here's the blog's recap of what I like to call "Crotch Watch 06."

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

Charged with DUI and possession of cocaine in Arizona.

Mike Tyson? Little Mikey Tyson? Really? Hmm...go figure. I mean, you think you know someone and then...

BWOT’s Song Lyrics of the Week!

Stars Are Blind by Paris Hilton.



Excuse me for feeling
This moment is critical
Might be me feeling
It could get physical, oh no, no no

It COULD get physical? Really? ‘Cause I’m guessing it’s gonna. I mean, call me crazy.

JR knocked up!

Congratulations to Julia Roberts!



Page Six has learned that the auburn-tressed Oscar winner is pregnant with her third child and will give birth next summer. The happy news comes as Roberts flies high in the nation's No. 5 picture, "Charlotte's Web," in which she provides the voice for the beloved spider.

Her pregnancy is somewhat of a surprise since the star, 39, had so much difficulty with her first effort to start a family with cameraman hubby Danny Moder, 37. In November 2004, she gave birth to twins Phinnaeus Walter and Hazel Patricia - but only after months of round-the-clock bed rest that followed a scare in which she was rushed to the hospital with false labor.

Happy new year from BWOT!

Happy new year, dear readers!

Here's a little BWOT new year treat courtesy of Sara in Ohio. (thanks, Sara!)



Nothing says "happy 2007" like Coco T's bubble butt. (though I have the odd desire to spit on a q-tip and fix her eye make-up)

God bless us, every one.

Why older women should always wear a bra...

Oh, Meg. Gravity is a bitch, eh?

Things I didn't get for Christmas but really want...

1. The "Ho Ho Ho" bag featuring the coochie-flashing trifecta - Paris, Lindsay, Britney.


2. The celebrity "Sorry" cards, perfect for when a Hallmark card just won't cut it.



3. And of course, my favorite:


Which team are you on?

For the love of...

I think Selma Blair is a beautiful woman.

Her new hairdo, however, is a bit less beautiful and a bit more "look what my roommate did to me while I was sleeping and all because I may have sort of slept with her boyfriend once or twice."



Not that I'm speaking from experience.

Second installment of "When leggings attack."

Wow. Are those spandex formal shorts? With striped leggings? And Pretty Woman boots? And an ill-fitting paige boy hat? Oooh, Nicolette...is this what dating Michael Bolton does to a woman?

Sigh...



And there's this mess:



MK Olsen, looking like a mail-order Russian prostitute/child bride. Three words for you: HOT. OIL. TREATMENT.

Don't be "that" girl, Britney...

Old story and just getting around to posting pics. Here's Britney with some pals at 40 Deuce, the burlesque show.



Here's Britney after unbuttoning her JEAN VEST (Hey, Brit? Debbie Gibson from 1987 called...she wants her look back.) and coming dangerously close to giving us a peek at the nether region again.



And here's Brit-Brit being asked to get her trashy ass off the stage.



Now there's irony for you. A woman who made a name for herself by writhing sexily on a stage wearing leather chaps is considered indecent material at a burlesque show.

Sigh...I miss the "old" Britney. I don't even know who this girl is but I know I wouldn't want to hang out with her.

Who am I talking to now, Cybil?

Hmmm...well this is an interesting turn-around.

Ms. Tara looking quite glowing...and sober...and I'm not sure which one impresses me most.



It's nice that she doesn't need someone to escort (read: hold her up) as she makes her way down the red carpet. Her eyes look focused, and as we all know, that's no small achievement for dear Tara.

But I am pleased, Tara. Well played...for now.

A Christmas Miracle...

Bai Ling finds love with Britney Spears' rebound douchebag, JR Rotem, rhymes with scrotum...for a reason:

Now this is just disappointing...

How do you go from being James Bond AND Thomas Crowne to the guy who smells of scotch and Mineral Ice and wears knee-high reinforced-toe socks with flip flops?

Mom was right...

My mother always told me it was best to leave a little something to the imagination. This was her way of telling me not to dress like a ho bag. My mother always told me that nice girls wear pantyhose to work. Her way of telling me that being a ho bag does not help you climb that corporate ladder. And because I'm significantly traumatized by it, I will also share with you that my mother told me to protect my precious things...her semi-creepy way of telling me not to ACT like a ho bag.

Well, two out of three ain't bad, right?

I kid, I kid! And I digress.

Thing is, I don't think Britney's mom ever shared the same wise advice. For if she had, we would not be treated to this visual display of ho bagness:



I could be wrong but I don't think she's wearing pantyhose. And I can see her precious things.

RaMcAd...

Okay so it doesn't flow like J.Lo. Point is, I love me some Rachel McAdams. I own Mean Girls and I can't understand why it wasn't nominated for BEST MOVIE EVER MADE by the motion picture academy. I choose to believe it's because the Academy dislikes Lindsay Lohan as much as I do.

Because it's clearly not about Rachel McAdams. She's fantastic. Adorably bitchy. And she's been great in every other movie I've seen her in. (NOTE: I did not see The Notebook mainly because I like to stay away from movies that cause me to break out in hives and feel a distinct urge to buy a dozen cats and start doing macrame.)

My point is - do I have one? - oh yes. My point is, I love Rachel McAdams.

I do not, however, love her new hair.

Happy holidays...

From Bai Ling's nipples to yours:

I almost feel guilty posting this...

Listen, I don't have a perfect body. (well, it's perfectly chubby but that's just my humble opinion) If I don't remember to suck it in I get a pooch. That's normal. I've accepted it.

Thing is, when it's Katie Holmes and the pooch is so...well, "poochy," I am duty bound to post the photos and start the dialogue about whether or not she's pregnant with the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard.



Hmmm?



Maybe a little, eh?

Good lord...

You know what bothers me about that picture? Believe it or not, it's NOT the fact that she's clearly not wearing a bra and you can see her nipples. I mean, yes...that's up there with the coochie flashing but it's not the target of my wrath. At least not at the moment.

No, what really makes my skin crawl is the fact that she's worth ZILLIONS of dollars and yet she can't have her skirt professionally hemmed. Instead she's hacked it down to belt-size herself with, what I'm guessing were a pair of nail scissors from her travel kit.



I mean...seriously? And what's that crap on your skirt? Jesus, Britney! Get it together! Put some f-ing clothes on - clothes that don't expose your bits and pieces for all eyes to see.



Alright, now you're just screwing with me.

Hey, Brit? Little House on the Prairie called. They want their costumes back.

Ah ha...interesting.

Don't you hate when this happens to you?

Here's our dear friend Britney on her way into - three guesses! - a club.



Not my favorite outfit but, hey! At least I can't see her ovaries, so that's a plus.

Fast forward a few hours later to Britney inside said club:



Um, did she coat check her sweater? I have to give her credit - I think it's admirable that she found a way - in an homage to the ingenuity of the American Indian - to use the feathers from her Thanksgiving turkey. As you can see she's made herself a quite functional cleavage warmer:

And furthermore...

I really dislike the Olsen twins. Quite frankly, I didn't much care for them when they were babies either. They were oddly monkey looking and, although I love monkeys, there's only so much forced cuteness I can stand in one 30-minute episode.

But the reason I dislike them now is that they always, ALWAYS look smug and miserable.

Exhibit A:


Perhaps she looks unhappy because her stylist left her looking like an astronaut's wife. Or perhaps she's unhappy because she is constantly linked to this mess:

Exhibit MK:


Yes, I think I understand now.

I can't leave you alone for a minute, can I?

For the love of Pete. I leave for a few days and I come back to find this:



What happened, Tara? You were doing so well! You had all that jacked up plastic surgery fixed. Got your hair done. Were dressing less whory. I thought we'd had a breakthrough!



But clearly the only think you're breaking through is the seal on that last case of vodka.

Sigh.

Well, we tried.

Just in time for the holidays - your ticket to hell!

Okay, now I've heard everything. A hot and hunky Italian priests calendar. (no, for real)

And I'm pretty sure I would throw it down with Father October here:



Oh my god! I can't believe I just said that. Now I'm definitely going to hell. (before it was just speculation because I'm pretty sure God hates Kevin Federline, too)

Click here to order your very own!

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt does exist!

Good god she's a cutie, eh?

Cyanide & Happiness...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Melly Mel...

Yes, I know. Mel Gibson is sort of a freakshow. He's sort of anti-semetic. He's sort of a drunk.

But remember when he was sort of the hottest human being on the planet?



Mmm, yeah. I do.

Oh, Kiki...

All she's missing are the Uggs.

I refuse to believe this...

Jennifer Aniston and K-Fed. No way. No chance. No how.

Click here.

BWOT’s Song Lyrics of the Week!

One Shot by Danity Kane.



So let me put on my boots
(Do you think that you can rock it?)
Turn it up, let it loose
Boy can you get with this minor tease (minor tease)
Before I bring it to you mentally

Wow, I thought Show Stopper was bad but this…this is just AWESOME. Minor tease? What exactly is a minor tease? And I don’t know about you but I would love to see one of the DK girls “bring it to me mentally.” I’m not sure they have it in them.

The OCD fashion report...

Eew. I don't like this dress for multiple reasons.



First, that weird shiny fabric reminds of the shiny shirts old guys wear to clubs thinking they're really suave and Euro and cool. Like this dude:



Second, I hate assymetrical hemlines, clearly something that stems from my slight obsessive compulsive disorder. (read: NO WIRE HANGERS!)

Third, I hate "Tarzan" staps almost as much as I hate assymetrical hemlines. I find them very 1997. I didn't particularly like 1997. Actually, I was in college so I don't particularly remember 1997.

But I digress...

Fourth, I hate belts with no rhyme or reason.

Fifth, is it me or does it look like she just tied her halter dress on wrong?

But I will admit that her hair and make-up look quite pretty. What can I say? It's Monday and I'm feeling particularly generous because of the holidays.

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

Not sure what upsets me the most. The fact that Nicole Richie was arrested this morning for driving IN THE WRONG DIRECTION on the 134 Freeway in L.A? The fact that she admitted to smoking pot and using Vicodin that night/morning? The fact that she was heading home at 4:50 a.m.? Or the fact that her booking information lists her as 5'1" and 85 pounds.

XYZ PDQ!