Oh my god...

I want to adopt this child.

Click here and turn up your sound.

When dresses go bad...

I like to say that you can't go wrong in a dress. But clearly that's a dirty lie as these stars proved this week.

Katherine McPhee.



The color is pretty but the belt looks (1) cheap, (2) like it doesn't belong, and (3) ugly and weird and inappropriately paired with such a delicate frock. Also, the bottom looks like she just came from the bathroom and, so shaken by how flat her hair looks she neglected to notice that her dress was tucked into the control top of her pantyhose. And that's unfortunate because if you think the front looks bad, just imagine what the view from behind is.

One I didn't expect to see was Jennifer Lopez.



But sweet Jesus what is this mess? I can't believe Marc Anthony let her leave the house like this and didn't put the Puerto Rican Smack Down on her. Skulls? Really, Jennifer. You're too old for this business. And the shoes? I'm all for multi-use but I don't think it's necessary for your shoes to double as floatation devices. You're J.Lo. We get it. No need to prove your stardom by attempting to walk on water.

And of course, no list would be complete without Chloe Sevigny, my muse.



It's very "Wicked Witch of the West Goes To Prom in 1983." But the hair and makeup look fantastic and she'd look very pretty if you cut off her head and perhaps displayed it as part of a fruit platter instead of atop that hideous taffeta massacre.

Oh, crazy Juliette Lewis...



This outfit is so special. And I know it's not a dress - no, no...that would be too pedestrian for sweet Juliette. Instead she's paired shimery white pantyhose with puffy trouser shorts, cropped leather jacket, with electric blue suede hooker boots and a lavender beret in what I can only assume is a tribute to Elvis Presley's trip to Paris in the 1950s. And I mean, who doesn't love Elvis, you know? For that I'll give her a pass...

...this time.

This is a good and manly look...

I need a hero...

Sweet lord Jesus, child. Who did this to you?



Oh Hayden. So young, so confused. You see, Hayden, I am in full support of sequins. If sequins were a political candidate I'd be kissing babies and adorning lawns with festive posters all in sequins' name.

I am a fan of jeans. I love jeans. As my friend Bill would say, I want to take jeans behind the school and get them pregnant.

And boots. Who doesn't love boots? Okay, in the interest of full disclosure I actually hate high boots because they never fit over my fat man-calves. But enough about my own emotional pain.

The point is, Hayden, this outfit is ATROCIOUS. And you're way too cute to be labeled atrocious. And I can't allow you to prance about in, what could've been a very cute dress over what could've been very cute jeans TUCKED INTO what could've been very cute boots. The key words here are COULD'VE BEEN. But now you've ruined them all.

This is tough love, Hayden darling. I hope I never have to say this to you again. Now go run along and play.

JDick...

Apparently Janice Dickinson was banned from some LA Fashion Week events. I, for one, can't imagine why.





How sexy is the white cotton part of pantyhose?

Ahem...

This is why Lindsay Lohan should wear pants.



I think I've made my point.

Tara Watch 2007

I've been staring at this picture for like 15 minutes, unable to pinpoint what it is that I hate about it so.



I've decided that I'm just having a visceral reaction to the tight, sweatpant-like britches tucked into too-shiny boots. And maybe the big puffy sleeves of her sweatshirt. Or maybe...

This exercise is exhausting me.

We'll just keep her at Orange Alert.

Dancing With The Stars is back!

Heather Mills' publicist is a bleeping rockstar. The bitch is the most hated woman in the UK and yet she's got a crowd of tubby midwesterners giving her a standing ovation on last night's season premiere of Dancing With The Stars. (Hooray! It's back!)



And the best part - other than the fact that every other sentence is about how BRAVE she is and how her prosthetic leg may pop off at any minute - is that they describe her as a political activist. They forgot the whole "ex-porn star" part. They forgot about the money grubbing ex-wife of Paul McCartney part. But that's neither here nor there.

I would also like to discuss the fact that Joey Fatone from N*Sync is on this season.



Clearly he has my vote. Boy banders at my fave - next to former child stars. (Read: Mario Lopez)

Also on this season, the very weird and pointy looking Apollo Anton Ohno, Olympic medalist speed skater.



I can't quite figure out what makes him so odd looking. (Teeth? Soul patch? Eyebrows?) But I will give the boy props - he can shake a tail. With a little work he could be a contender. He also wins the award for "Most Likely to Hook Up With His Partner" - she is a 20 year old Christina Aguilera wannabe who's melting his spandex pants with her eyes.

Clearly Apollo's no match for my main man Joey, but he could be a close second.

No wait. Make that third. Ian Ziering, Steve from 90210 is on this season. That is good television, people.

Laila Ali rocks. She's surprisingly agile given the fact that she's built like Jason Taylor. (Hot piece of Miami Dolphins ass - damn I'm classy) Cliff from Cheers is on, too along with some Miss USA and Paulina Whatsherface, that model. No one else was memorable enough to write about. (that includes Leeza Gibbons who I have a problem with for the simple reason that she spells her name LEEZA and not Lisa like God intended)

Oh wait, I must report some tragic news. Billy Ray Cyrus (as in, My Achy Breaky Heart) has been attacked by a flat iron. No other victims have been claimed in this horrific attack. We'll have more to report next episode.



This promises to be a great season! Check out the cast bios here!

Update on Rose's wonky eye - for Bill...

Remember this?





Here's her explanation:

ROSE McGowan , a star of upcoming gore-fest "Grindhouse," had a gory experience of her own a few weeks ago - but it could have been worse. McGowan was a passenger in a car that collided with another, and the accident pushed her eyeglasses into her face. "I didn't realize I was hurt until I put my hand to my face and felt the flap of skin. My glasses had sliced me under my eye," the gorgeous actress tells us. She was terrified of scarring, but found an excellent plastic surgeon.

Aw, and here I thought it was all the coke, Satan worship and whorish behavior. Sorry, Rose!

Move over Google...

This is the best thing EVER.



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BWOT Pop Quiz!

It's quiz time, readers! Here we go...

What's Kim Stewart missing?

A. Class.
B. Pants.
C. Self respect.
D. All of the above.



Answer: The correct answer is D, all of the above. Bonus points if you added "hot oil treatment" to your answer.

True or false...

Pants are optional if you're wearing a coat.



FALSE! Totally f-ing false, LiLo! PANTS!!!

Tara Watch 2007

I don't care for this outfit. I mean, I totally appreciate the fact that I can't see her fallopian tubes but the black tights are way too harsh for that dress...which, by the way, isn't my favorite to begin with. So I'll leave her at Orange Alert.

But on other Tara news, check out the report from Page Six:

REFORMED party girl Tara Reid is starting a new career: restaurateur. The actress, 31, is opening a new fast-food joint called Ketchup in Los Angeles on March 31. "You probably won't see me behind the cash register," Reid told In Touch. "But I'll definitely be in the kitchen making sure everything is done right."

Of course I will be frequenting this establishment. I simply cannot wait.

Am going to throw up...

They're casting the...gulp...20th season of The Real World. I don't understand how this is possible. 20? I feel like the first one was yesterday. Did they do two per year? Can someone please help me understand this and feel better about myself? I want to cry.

Um...okay...

I knew Heather Mills, Paul McCartney's ex, was a model before she met him. I did NOT know, however, that she was THIS kind of model. (not safe for work) You have scroll down past the weird pig stuff so see what I'm talking about.

Tara Watch 2007

I knew it. I spoke too soon.



We're back at Orange Alert for Ms. Reid due to this unfortunate choice of shirt and lack of appropriate undergarments. Also, the trouser shorts...tsk tsk.

LiLo strikes again...

I said I wasn't going to comment on Lindsay Lohan anymore. I said I was bored of her and her shenanigans and her nasty attitude. The thing is, I am human, people. And sometimes a situation comes your way where it'd be down right irresponsible not to comment.

This is one of those situations:



For the love of god and all that is holy WEAR SOME PANTS. And P.S., sheer PANTY HOSE do not count as pants. They don't serve the same purpose as pants. And although my mother would applaud you for your use of control top, I'm fairly certain she wouldn't be nuts about the fact that one stiff wind would expose your baby factory.

NOT THAT YOU SHOULD BE MANUFACTURING ANY BABIES ANY TIME SOON, YOUNG LADY. You hear me?

Also, that hair sort of freaks me out - it's a little too "Children of the Corn" on your and I hate "Children of the Corn." I don't particularly care for corn either, for that matter.

Time marches on...

To quote Steele Magnolias, "...eventually you realize it's marching all over your face."



I saw this picture and didn't immediately realize who it was. Tonya Harding.

Whoa.

I mean, Tonya was never the most ATTRACTIVE woman, and sure she was the very definition of white trash with the perm and long red nails and blue eye shadow, but that was a far cry from her current state which can only be defined as German headmistress meets butch lesbian.

Well, I'm glad she's found a new career. Best of luck to her.

Okay so I have a soft spot for babies...

So sue me. But come on...how can you resist this?



Donald and Barron have the same hair.

Jared Leto is gross - Volume 2

This look is vaguely familiar. Oh yes:

Congratulations Brangelina!

Meet Pak (or Pax...there seems to be some confusion) Thien Jolie, the newest addition to the Pitt-Jolie brood.

He's cute, huh?

A Great Waste of Time: Suri's Halloween Costume!

Play dress-up with Suri Cruise! Just click here.

I had NO idea!

Here I am, the last to know AGAIN.

Salma Hayek is engaged and pregnant. She's marrying this guy, French businessman, Francois-Henri Pinault. They've been dating less than a year but have been friends for some time.



Well good for her! I love that Salma!

New couple alert! (ew!)

If by "couple" you mean "unhealthy sexual relationship."

From Page Six:

"She called Jude at 1 in the morning," said our spy, "and met him at The Box." The next night, Lohan hit Cipriani Downtown for dinner, stopped by Beatrice Inn, and met up later with Jude at The Box again - this time joined by Law's pals Sean Penn and Tim Robbins. "They are adoring one another's company," said one sly observer, who could not confirm or deny any "dating."

When trouser shorts attack...

Hilary Duff, the latest celeb to fall victim to trouser shorts.



She was doing so well dressing herself. Clearly it's time to call in a stylist.

Jared Leto is gross - Volume 1

I can only assume that this will turn into a recurring post.

Here's Jared performing in Miami last week and looking sort of like the love child of Tom Hanks in Castaway and a yehti.



Vomit.

Trouble in paradise?

I'm not the best judge of people. I learned that the hard way (time and time again) and I now freely admit it. But here's the thing, this does not look like a particularly happy couple. In fact, the only one who does look happy is Suri who I'm guessing is blissfully plotting her way to total world domination.



They look tired. And bored. And annoyed. Nothing a little couch jumping can't fix, I'm sure. But if Tom is the new Scientology messiah then he should be asking himself W.W.J.D., sucking it up and smiling for the cameras.

True love is a beautiful thing...

Clearly I'm a very sick woman with an unhealthy fantasy life and attraction to men that are no good for me. And I like it. So call me crazy but I just heart these two together and I hope the rumors of their impending reunion are true.



Pam and Tommy seen canoodling last week. LAST WEEK! There's hope!

Embarrasing fact...

I'm totally embarrassed to admit this but last night I watched "The Search for the Next Doll." That's right. It's a reality show looking to cast the next Pussycat Doll. It was on right after America's Next Top Model which, I'm also embarrassed to say, I can't get enough of. I want to go shopping with Tyra and Twiggy and I want Miss Jay to teach me how to walk like a lady.

But back to "Doll."

Am I missing something? Are the PCDs really all about female empowerment like all these star struck 19 year old hopefuls claimed? One girl say she wants to become a PCD to prove to her parents - who are both doctors - that there are other ways to be successful. And although I'm sure her parents can appreciate that, I'm guessing that "successfully helping teen boys across the world navigate the tumultuous seas of puberty" was not the kind of success they had in mind.

Did I miss the part where the PCDs burned their bras, or protested the treamtment of women in the Middle East? If I did, I apologize - I think I was distracted by the fact that they were grinding around in underwear and fishnet stockings.

Hmm...here are some lyrics from a song called "I Don't Need A Man."

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!

Right. Okay. So you can...yes, well. I suppose that's a good thing.

Is there something in this set of lyrics, for their song "Hot Stuff (I Want You Back)" that I'm not interpreting correctly?

Looking for your hot stuff
Baby, I need it (Come on)
Looking for your hot stuff
Baby, tonight (Baby, baby)
I want your hot stuff
I got to feel it (I got to feel it)
Got to have your hot stuff
Got to have your love tonight

I'm fairly certain I've had the same exchange via text message with an ex-boyfriend at 3:00 a.m. after my ninth beer.

Or how about this one - "Wait A Minute" - which seems promising when they sing:

Girl, why you do me like that?
You take all my money
Can't even call a player back (Wait a minute)
Boy, why you tripping like that?
You think 'cause you tricking you get it just like that? (Wait a minute)

And then you get to the end where they say:

What they call you, Mr. Tin man or something?
See, I don't want your cars
I don't want your jewelry
You can't buy this
So you can keep that
Wait a minute...Uh yeah, you can give me that back

Don't get me wrong. I'd love to be a Pussycat Doll! I wouldn't even mind being the red headed one that looks like a tranny. I would be trampiest PCD this world has ever seen! Female empowerment, my ass. I want to objectified and treated like a talentless piece of meat.

So my question to these 9 contestants is, "why fight it?" Own your desire to be a glorified sex symbol! I mean hey, if you've got it, flaunt it. Flaunt it while you still can!

Lordy, lordy...

You guys remember John Popper? No? Maybe this will help refresh your memory:



Yup - the lead singer from Blues Traveler, a band that I always loved. Back in 1993 John was arrested for possession of marijuana...but it seems like he's upgraded.

He was arrested yesterday in Washington after being caught going 111 mph on the highway in his Mercedes SUV. And in this SUV cops discovered the following:

“…a cache of weapons and a small amount of marijuana. A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments containing four rifles, nine handguns and a switchblade knife. Authorities also found a Taser and night vision goggles.”

Apparently the car also had flashing emergency headlights, a siren and a pa system. According to John all these installations were because he was afraid of being left behind in the event of a natural disaster. Also, he liked collecting weapons.

Hmm, really? That's nice to know. But must you keep your entire collection in your car?

Listen here, Mischa Barton's sister...

How nice. Celebrating her escape from rehab by taking a little shopping trip with her big sister.



I suppose it's only appropriate to celebrate your new found sobriety by wearing the tights you made in arts and crafts using old panty hose, cherry-flavored Kool-Aid and chopped up "Your Liver & You" pamphlets. And although I certainly appreciate your artful representation of your inner most feelings as illustrated through nylon, I have to make one eensy recommendation.



They're called pants. Look into them.

Kelly Osbourne needs a stylist...

You know how sometimes you feel pretty? Oh so pretty? You feel pretty and witty and gay?

For Kelly Osbourne, this is not one of those times.

When fanny packs attack...

Oh, (non-Britney connected) Jason Alexander. I shed a tear for you.

Leather vest? Matching leather fanny pack? Aggressively patterned shirt?

I’m sorry. I didn’t know things were so bad.

Come on, man! Shake it off! So what if you haven’t had a successful show since those glorious Seinfeld days of yore. That doesn’t mean your life is over! No! It's only beginning, Jason!

Embrace life! Embrace sunlight...or at least some self-tanner! Release your bitterness...and your grip on the Krispy Kremes! Life is short!

Good god...ouch.

So, I'm not a huge fan of Kelis' wardrobe choices but all in all I suppose this isn't terrible. The color is actually very pretty on her. It's no secret that I hate "tarzan straps" but hey, she can rock it, I suppose. In the grand scheme of things she looks young and fun and more or less put together...



...and then you zoom in.



Aaaak! Okay, not to be a total prude but the very thought of stabbing my nipple with a metal ring makes me gag and black out briefly. For the life of me I can't understand why people would want to pierce THAT. Not to mention piercings in your bits and pieces. OH MY GOD. I CAN'T EVEN THINK IT WITHOUT GETTING THE HEEBIE JEEBIES.

And yes, I know all about the alleged benefits. And I don't care. Because I would never been able to relax enough to enjoy it. I would be thinking horrible thoughts about freakish piercing accidents. Oh my god, I'm squeezing my legs together and cringing at the very thought.

I need to stop. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

Ay mama...

I'll preface this by saying that I think Selma Hayek is gorgeous. And I can appreciate leaving your house in less than Vogue-cover fashion but what in God's good name was she thinking with this whole look?



The flowy purple dress makes her look like Barney. The hair is a desperate cry for leave-in conditioner and a hot-oil treatment. I mean, what is happening here?

Ew.

Is it wrong of me to wish that MK Olsen would have a nervous breakdown and shave her head? Anything to rid the world of that straw.

I'm going to make this quick...

...because I'm embarrassed to say it. But K-Fed is lookin' pretty good these days, huh?



Okay, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.