Big Waste of Time

How I've MISSED you!

2007-06-27T13:27:00.000-04:00

Dearest BWOT fans -
I blame "the man" really. He's been keeping me down. Too much work, too much travel, too much drama has been keeping me away from my favorite past time. And I'll be honest, fair readers. I'm going on vacation tomorrow so this is the last you'll hear from me...at least for a week.

So let's do a little catch-up and see what we've missed, shall we?

Oooh, now this is special.

The National Enquirer is reporting that Britney has decided against filing divorce papers. Funny, because at the same time UsWeekly is reporting that Kevin (FEDERLINE!) thinks Britney is unfit and too young to be a mom - he expects to get full custody sometime soon. Ah, I love conflicting stories in the media. But who would have thought K-Fed would look like the "healthier" caregiver?

In other Britney news...

Yup, still a tramp.

Oh, also, Michael Lohan (LiLo's dad) is claiming that Dina (LiLo's mom) did cocaine while pregnant with LiLo. Really? Weird...wonder if it had any affects...

BUT, there is hope for our little LiLo. She's staying at Promises longer than expected. Apparently she's taking rehab "very seriously" and wants to make sure she's ready to come out. Honestly, this Promises place looks like f-ing summer camp. I've seen pictures of her boxing, bike riding, kayaking, hiking. I'd want to stay longer, too! But you know what? Good for her. GOOD FOR YOU, LiLo! You get clean! We're ready and waiting for you!

In some "who cares...well maybe a little" news, John Stamos lost his shit in Australia.

A Sydney newspaper reported John was "bleary-eyed, staggering and slurring," as well as "tired and emotional" after appearing on several TV shows in a "highly disheveled state." One interviewer said, "It was a bit like he'd perhaps come from a hotel minibar."

Apparently Uncle Jesse was likening himself to Elvis and Princess Di, saying: "Who else has died? My career after coming to Australia."

Surprise, surprise. He blamed it on jetlag. Certainly couldn't be la cocaina, no?

Hooray for boy banders! Joey Fatone is getting his own show! Okay, it's not REALLY his own but he will get to host NBC's new karaoke-themed game show. I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit that I TOTALLY want to go on it.

The show is called "The Singing Bee" and debuts July 10th.

Ugh. "The Man" calls again. More later, my friends!

I love it when adults have MySpace fights...

2007-05-29T12:57:00.000-04:00

Shanna Mokler had this to say on her MySpace page:

HERES A TIP…When you making 8 million dollars a film…..HIRE A DRIVER!!

I’ve been getting a lot of letters asking my thoughts on recent events, so here it goes…. I know a lot of people think karma is going around and yeah I guess it might be, but to me..this is far from karma, if anything people like Paris love this shit, walking out of a court house to be met by a bevy of paparzzi like princess diana…carrying the bible around…loves it! Karma will be the day she’s married and has kids and her husband goes and fucks a 22 yr old and knocks her up. I don’t find happiness in others when they are down, but I sure in hell don’t feel bad for people who play the victim constantly and are far from it. People who feel it’s their job to make people feel beneath them or take opportunities others would die for an shit on them and frankly make a mockery of. So as the penis posse goes down one by one and enters jail or rehab…I don’t really think anything of it…they just show me what I always knew and thought they were _________. ( you can fill in the blank)

And, of course, LiLo responded on her MySpace page with this:

im going to keep this simple and brief, like her career.

for someone who “doesn’t really think anything of it” sure had a mouth load to say. don’t blame “young hollywood” for your FUCKED UP relationships you old haggard. maybe if you fixed yourself up a little bit, you wouldnt be so jealous of others. you know, a nice face/breast lift, lost a couple pounds (40), got rid of the paris haircut, and found yourself a decent looking boytoy you wouldn’t be so depressed and feel the need to comment on other peoples lifes that you dont know.

p.s. your kids are ugly.

Seriously, get a freakin' life. Both of you.

Nicole Richie...

2007-05-29T12:29:00.000-04:00

Listen, I really wished that I lost my appetite when I'm depressed. But I don't. Instead I single handedly cause a spike in sales for the Papa John's and Cheese-It people. So although there's a part of me that's jealous of those women who lose 10 pounds after breaking up with a boyfriend, I am NOT jealous of this look.

For the love of God.

PUT ON SOME SHOES AND EAT A FRIGGIN' CHEESEBURGER.

Again, Photobucket is revolting. Click here to see the photos.

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

2007-05-29T12:20:00.001-04:00

My stars! It's Lindsay Lohan!

No. Can't be. Not MY LiLo. I just won't believe it.

Ha.

Yes, it's true. After slamming her Mercedes into a palm tree, leaving the scene of the accident and being arrested at the hospital on Friday for DUI and possession of cocaine (found in her car...very discreet, Lilo...just one of the things I like about you) Lindsay did what any smart cookie would do. She went to a party! Hooray!

They she stumbled out of Teddy's with a trail of "friends" (read: hangers on) trying to help her to her feet, got into her friend's car and proceeded to pass out.

And there are pictures all over the internet. And I would post them here except that PhotoBucket is conspiring against me and I can't. (click here to see them on I Don't Like You In That Way)

Long story short, LiLo has checked herself into Promises rehab center in Malibu. And as you know, Promises worked MIRACLES on Britney Spears so I'm feeling pretty good about what it'll do for Linds.

Oh, but sadly her 21st b-day party sponsor, Svedka vodka, has pulled out. Seems they don't want to be affiliated with underage drinking, illicit drugs, wreckless and drunk driving, public shenanigans, blatant disrespect for the law, etc. Go figure.

Well THAT'S awkward...

2007-05-29T12:17:00.000-04:00

Pam Anderson's kids really wanted to see Borat. Those of you who've seen Borat know that the Tommy/Pammy sex tape and and Pam's Playboy posing are central to the plot (does Borat have a plot?) of the movie.

So how do you explain that to your kids? (kids who probably shouldn't be watching Borat anyway because they're too young) If you're Pammy you do it like this:

“They really wanted to see Borat and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had. I said, ‘There are a few things we have to talk about before you see Borat.’ And they go: ‘We know about the magazines.’ So that was one gone! “I kind of went ‘la la la la la la la’ over the parts I didn’t want them to hear. Actually, I did tell them, I said: ‘You know, when your dad and I were first together we used to video tape everything. Everybody’s naked, hugging, kissing, all that good stuff and someone stole the tape. And I remember when we were watching the film and Dylan goes: ‘You mean everybody has seen this?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’”

LiLo is classing it up again...

2007-05-25T12:16:00.000-04:00

Lindsay Lohan was booted from the SoHo Grand hotel in Manhattan for "allegedly" pitching a fit because her "boyfriend" Calum "Best" was there with "another woman."

Surprise, surprise, according to Star magazine, LiLo went out partying until 1:30 in the morning and then came back and collapsed in the lobby...pantiless, of course...where she proceeded to writh around in front of her bodyguard and her "friend." The hotel manager had to carry her to her room.

Oh, but that's not all! Later that evening/morning LiLo kept calling Calum's room and getting no answer. So of COURSE, she went to bang on the door - he opened it but was clear "busy" with his "other woman" and slammed the door in LiLo's face.

“She went cuckoo,” says Star's source. “She yelled at him, slammed the door and banged on it some more.”

After a few more "Lohan moments" LiLo was asked to leave the hotel...which she did at 6 a.m.

Oh, and P.S., she's recording another album. So um, that's great.

If I had a nickel...

2007-05-22T12:38:00.001-04:00

Paula Abdul "tripped over her Chihuahua" and broke her nose. And by "tripped over her Chihuahua" I of course mean that she was sh*t-faced drunk and fell while trying to remove her control-top pantyhose.

It's okay, Paula. Happens to the best of us.

Oh heeeeeeeeell no...

2007-05-15T10:28:00.000-04:00

Good lord god. Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher are splitting from their respective spouses and planning to reunite in reality series.

Who thought this was a good idea? Um, she shot his ex-wife IN THE FACE. THE FACE.

According to the New York Post, "The reunion is to be filmed by TV producer David Krieff as Buttafuoco and Fisher meet in a Central Park restaurant for a hopefully romantic candlelight dinner. Krieff hopes to make the reunion into a reality show, and says Joey is 'very happy' about the reunion. Says Buttafuoco, 'I still have feelings for her. I can't wait to have dinner with her. I can't wait to be with her. I can't wait to touch her.'

IN THE FACE, BUTTAFUOCO. SHE SHOT HER IN THE FACE. Can't you just join Match.com or your church's singles group? Or start hanging out in bars? Amy Fisher? Really?

IN THE FACE!

K-Fed at the Kentucky Derby...

2007-05-08T17:42:00.000-04:00

Oh, K-Fed. You so classy. All attending the Kentucky Derby and stuff...so elegant.

Downtown at the Stereo party, Kevin Federline was not amused when organizers brought him to a table in the VIP area he deemed was too small and said, “Yo, I need a bigger table - I got six bitches with me.”

After DJ AM finished his set, Federline hi-jacked the microphone from Kid Rock. K-Fed gave “shout-outs” to hot girls in the crowd and screamed, “I got four kids already - which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?”

Yes, me! Pick me! Oh PLEASE pick me!

Busted...

2007-05-07T19:37:00.000-04:00

Oh, LiLo...

What are you doing, homegirl?

Just say no.

Apparently the same inner circle weasel who released this footage had some color commentary to add:

"When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out."

"She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco. She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month. The last time was on April 15 after another house party. I think they went back to a hotel together afterwards. She is very protective over him and when she heard I had met him she sent me a text saying, ‘Stay away from him Bitch, he is mine.'"

I, for one, have lost respect for Benicio Del Toro. All the other man-whores on the list...well, let's just say I'm not impressed but didn't expect much from you to begin with.

No, seriously?

2007-05-07T19:29:00.000-04:00

British newspaper The Sun reports police found Doherty in possession of crack cocaine and cannabis. After spending the night in police custody, Doherty was released on bail on Sunday (06May07). The arrest comes just three weeks after Doherty appeared in Thames Magistrates’ Court in east London, where Judge Jane MCIvor praised the singer for his determination to beat his drug habit.

Why do we even care anymore? He's gross.

Celebitchy has a lovely recap for all you kids keep score at home. Click here.

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

2007-05-07T19:24:00.000-04:00

Oh god this one hurts.

It hurts so bad.

His official statement:

“I made an error in judgment. We all make mistakes, however this is about accountability. Under no circumstances should anyone consume alcohol while driving. I could have jeopardized the lives of others and I am grateful there was no accident or harm done to anyone. This was my wake-up call. I also want to apologize to my fans, ABC Television and my design team for my lapse in judgment and the embarrassment I have caused.”

4 Months?!? That's it!?

2007-05-03T12:23:00.000-04:00

Jennifer Esposito and hubby Bradley Cooper are calling it quits after FOUR months of marriage. First of all, I want to have his love child. But that's only because I would want to trap him and force him into marrying me. And once we were married, you can bet your ass I wouldn't let him go.

So what gives, J.Esp? Talk to me!

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

2007-05-03T12:13:00.000-04:00

According to MTV News:

Busta Rhymes' ongoing driving issues continued early Thursday morning (May 3) when police in New York pulled him over just after midnight and arrested him for driving while impaired.

The rapper, whose real name is Trevor Smith, added to his string of driving-related arrests and issues with the New York Police Department when cops flagged him down at 12:48 a.m. Thursday after officers observed his 2006 GMC Yukon Denali driving down the street with what they said were excessively tinted windows.

According to NYPD spokesperson Detective John Sweeney, when officers approached Rhymes' car, he was found to have a "strong odor of alcohol on his breath" and when they asked him to present his paperwork, "he dropped his wallet to the ground" while showing it to the officers.

Does he kiss his mother with that mouth?

2007-05-02T14:27:00.000-04:00

From the New York Daily News:

Looks like Ricky Martin wants to add “bad boy” to his resume. The singer shocked the crowd at his Mohegan Sun Arena concert Saturday night with sexy video clips showing him in the buff, his private parts barely concealed. He later dropped the f-bomb a couple of times during his onstage patter. And he’d always seemed like such a nice boy.

Ay chihuahua! Where do I get tickets??

Pictures from Britney's "Come Back"...

2007-05-02T14:22:00.000-04:00

A Socialite's Life has some photos from Britney's "come back" performance at the House of Blues in San Diego.

The entire performance was 15 minutes and fans accused Brit of lipsynching the entire time.

Here are the photos!

The View just got worse...

2007-05-02T14:17:00.000-04:00

The New York Post has been reporting that Rosanne Barr is being considered as a possible replacement for Rosie O'Donnell who announced that she's leaving The View at the end of the season.

"I would love the chance to do that," Barr told KVVU-TV in Las Vegas on Monday. "I'd love it. Yeah, definitely. I think I would do a real good job."

Sweet Jesus...I didn't think they could make The View more annoying than it is now. But I was clearly wrong. All they're missing is a special guest spot by Gilbert Godfrey.

It's all fun and games until someone gets locked up...

2007-05-02T14:09:00.000-04:00

Rumor has it Katie Holmes has been flirting with her "Mad Money" co-star, Adam Rothenberg on the movie set. According to Life & Style:

"There's definitely been some off-camera flirting," the insider told the magazine, however. "One day, Katie was touching Adam's arm while they were talking, like girls do when they like somebody."

Girl, do NOT F around...Tom WILL find out and he WILL lock your ass up. Seriously. I'm scared for you. I'm sure the Scientologists have a place for harlots like you. Harlots who touch other men when they talk. AND TOM WILL FIND THAT PLACE, KATIE.

Run. Run far and away.

Dumb quote of the week!

2007-05-01T20:41:00.000-04:00

“The thing about the press and why they need to leave me the [bleep] alone for a little bit is because I don’t want that distraction from my work. I want to get a nomination. I want to win an Oscar. I want to be known for more than, like, going out. For being ‘the party girl.’ I hate that. I bust my [bleep] when I’m filming, and when I gave time off, yeah, I like to go out and dance.”

Perhaps if you stopped appearing all around town without pants and looking like the above photograph it would help.

Just a suggestion.

Tramp.

Monday night TV musings...

2007-05-01T14:53:00.000-04:00

There's a Mastercard commercial with a zookeeper and his elephant. The zookeeper has a cold, the elephant gets him soup and a blanket, and I'm weeping like a whore in church. (Yes, I know that's not the exact phrase...work with me, people will ya?)

I would also like to address the fact that the women on The Bachelor are slut puppies. I don't watch the show but caught a commercial preview in which the dialogue went something like this:

"I'm not afraid of drowning. I'll just have to give you mouth-to-mouth." (Followed by excessive tongue)

Vomit.

How are you going to give him mouth-to-mouth if you've drowned? Seriously? Stop it. Whore.

Also, I'd like to say that I love Steve Sanders...er, I mean Ian Ziering. (Pronounced "EYE-ING"...FYI) He looks hot. All fit and trim and samba dancing. The boy's got moves.

Know who still doesn't? Billy Ray Cyrus.

Gross.

He's about as graceful as my Aunt Kitty...and let me just tell you, Kitty is good at a lot of things but dancing ain't one of them. Her dancing somewhat resembles that of a seizure victim. And I'm fairly certain Billy Ray's dancing could actually CAUSE seizures. So there's that.

Oh, and Billy Ray? The word is "mediocrity" not "mediocracy." Hick.

You have to watch Notes From the Underbelly. Hysterical. And it probably won't last to hop on that train while it still has a station. (Like how I did that? Train? Station? Get it? Hee! Okay, I'll go back to my rice cakes and popsicles...don't judge me.)

Hmmm...what else? No, that about covers it.

Thanks for reading.

Yikes...

2007-04-30T12:29:00.000-04:00

Okay, get this. Boy George meets a male prostitute (Auden Carlsen) on a web site called Gaydar (of course), invites him over to his place for a little "photoshoot" and agrees to pay him about $800. The guy comes over, George makes him dress up in leather fetish gear and then takes some kinky photos.

Then hilarity ensues:

Carlsen said: “George said he was popping out for milk at 5am. I heard him come back and I walked into his bedroom wearing just my white underpants and a T-shirt. I was jumped on by George and another man.

“George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down.”

He said George got rid of the blond man then produced a box of whips and sex toys — telling him: “Now you’ll get what you deserve.”

Carlsen pulled the hook from the wall and fled — then alerted the police from a nearby newsagent’s at 6.30am on Saturday.

George — real name George O’Dowd — was taken to a police station.

Wow, really? Go figure. Never wouldn't taken George to be the kinky type. Mmm hmm...

Amy Winehouse needs a leave-in treatment...

2007-04-30T12:23:00.000-04:00

Amy Winehouse sings about how "they tried to make [her] go to rehab but [she] said no, no, no."

Quite frankly, I think her loved ones should've pushed LESS for rehab and MORE for the hair salon. Because this mess is not my favorite:

This just looks like it hurt to get in place. Imagine how much teasing went into that beehive. And imagine what it will take to get it out.

And why would a girl ever want to do that to herself?

I don't understand. I just don't understand.

Eew. She also needs to eat something. Immediately. Something cooked in lard.

These boots are made for burning...

2007-04-30T12:14:00.000-04:00

Britney Lynn Spears,

I want to take those boots and burn them. And the fishnet tights. And that entire outfit, really.

Come on. Seriously? You're SERIOUSLY wearing that trainwreck of an outfit out of the house? In public? Like, public public?

Not cool.

Do you not own a mirror? You should get one. It helps. Like one time I thought about maybe wearing black shoes with something and then I looked in my MIRROR and realized that brown was a better option. Granted, I have never once considered wearing old fishnet tights with ugly brown cowboy boots and a tan fedroa and a see-through...a see-through...oh my god what IS that?!

Britney, no. NO. Just...NO.

This hurts you more than it hurts me...

~ D

(more pictures of this fantastic outfit here...why you would want to subject yourself to that, I just don't know)

Train wreck gets implant, names cat after drug paraphrenalia...

2007-04-30T12:02:00.000-04:00

The Babyshambles frontman, who has battled heroin and cocaine addictions, will return to a Midlands clinic today to receive a new implant to help beat drugs.

A friend of Pete's said: "Pete hopes this new implant will help him quit for good."

The implant, a pellet containing naltrexone, will be inserted under the skin of Pete's stomach.

The 28-year-old rocker won't be alone for the procedure. The couple's cat Dinger - slang for syringe - recently gave birth to five kittens, and the singer has apparently been taking them everywhere with him.

Kittens? WTF? I can't...I mean, I don't even know where to begin.

Yes, I do.

GROSS. CREEPY. ICK.

My money's on Fergie-Ferg...

2007-04-27T15:33:00.000-04:00

Star magazine is reporting a feud between Fergie and Nelly Furtado:

A source tells Star that in fergie's new song 'impacto,' (with Daddy Yankee) she refers to the "Promiscuous" singer, saying, "I ain't promiscuous, the realest chick up in this...I'ma pull your wig back!" The source says the beef started several months ago at an LA awards show when Nelly asked Fergie, "What's your problem? Why are you dissing me in your song 'Fergalicious'?" Fergie denied she was attacking her, but it seems nelly won't give up: "Nelly then dissed Fergie in the new song 'give it to me,' and now they're in serious competition!" says the source.

No, seriously? What? Now Nelly Furtado owns the word "promiscuous?" No one else ever uttered the word "promiscuous" until Nelly wrote a song about it. A song which was voted Best Song at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, something I have HUGE problem with because I'm fairly certain I wouldn't want my 10 year old daughter singing about how she's a slut. But hey, maybe my parental expectations are different than other peoples'.

MENSA candidate of the day...

2007-04-27T12:30:00.000-04:00

Joss Stone.

"We shouldn’t be mad at Britney Spears because she didn’t wear underwear. That’s her choice. She wasn’t hurting anybody. That was her. She decided not to wear underwear. Maybe she wanted a little breeze. That’s her decision. But we should be mad at the guy who posted it on the Internet. What an [expletive], what a [expletive] [expletive]. That’s a really mean, nasty, malicious, terrible thing to do to somebody."

Snoop DENIED again...

2007-04-27T12:22:00.000-04:00

Oh, Snoopy...why must they persecute you so?

A better question might be, what cave was the Australian immigration administration living in that they JUST realized that PERHAPS Snoop Dogg isn't the best role model for the youth down under? The government has decided to deny entry for Snoop Dogg who was schedule to perform at the Australian MTV Music Awards.

“The reality is … he has a whole string of convictions, and just two weeks ago I was told he was convicted on a number of charges again and sentenced to three years imprisonment on two, and three years imprisonment on another, with five years probation and a suspended sentence,” immigration official Kevin Andrews said. “He has been denied entry into the U.K. because he was caught with others causing a fray at Heathrow Airport. He doesn’t seem the sort of bloke we want in this country.”

So he has a shady past! Come on, Australia! Your entire country was established by prisoners! And I mean, if that's not the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is.

Snoopy-poop, I support you. Just let me know where to send the petition.

SO NOT COOL...

2007-04-27T12:16:00.000-04:00

A police raid on Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick's house found 60 "scarred and emaciated" pitbulls allegedly used for dog-fighting.

I can't even comment. That makes me ill.

Ew...

2007-04-27T11:39:00.000-04:00

Let the record reflect that I love a good flaming homosexual. I do!

I just don't love THIS flaming homosexual.

And I especially don't love that he's trying to capitalize on his former affiliation with Anna Nicole Smith.

I hope he chokes on his boa feathers.

Alec vs. Dora...

2007-04-27T11:30:00.000-04:00

Click here to listen to Alec Baldwin call Dora the Explorer!

Top 10 Most Annoying TV Personalities...

2007-04-27T11:22:00.000-04:00

Netscape just released it's list of Top 10 Most Annoying TV Personalities...and I must say, I think they did a damn good job.

10. William Shatner

9. Billy Bush

8. The Hoff

7. Rosie O’Donnell

6. Donald Trump

5. Kathy Griffin (who I secretly enjoy a great deal)

4. Nancy Grace

3. Ryan Seacrest

2. Joan Rivers (Man, you've gotta give this woman credit. She's 900 years old and still funny and out there...I love you, Joanie!)

1. Bill O'Reilly

Great moments in literature...

2007-04-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

Aw, remember this Britney Spears?

Me either.

THIS Britney Spears is reportedly writing a tell-all autobiography:

And by "writing" I of course mean babbling endlessly and incoherently while some ghost writer tries to make sense of her "y'all-spattered" psychobabble.

It's going to be awesome and I'm totally pre-ordering my copy.

Yay Drew!

2007-04-27T11:12:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Drew Barrymore for being named People magazine's Most Beautiful Person of the Year!

I love that Drew Barrymore. I mean, SURE she had that little drug "thing" a few years back. And, SURE she married that total tool bag douche monkey, Tom Greene. But hey, I dated a guy who owned dozens of Star Wars dolls or, as he called them, "collectibles." My point is, we all make mistakes.

All in all Drew strikes me as the kind of girl who'd be fun to grab a beer with. She can probably belch the alphabet and while I usually don't find that kind of shenanigan appropriate, you have to admit it that it requires a keen skill that I myself don't possess. (I could try, but I'm fairly certain I would vomit)

Whacko alert...

2007-04-27T10:58:00.001-04:00

Some nutjob tried to kill Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James as Sandy and James' 10-year old child watched.

According to TMZ:

Cops say that Bullock, along with James' 10-year-old child, looked on in horror as Marcia Valentine "attempted 3 or 4 times to run Jesse James over with her silver Mercedes." Jesse was never struck by the car during the alleged incident.

We're told Valentine also "laid in the driveway and wouldn't move."

Orange County Sheriffs were contacted and responded to the scene, but Valentine allegedly fled before they arrived. After an intense manhunt, officers located Valentine early Monday morning and took her into custody.

Valentine is being held on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon.

Not cool, Valentine! I love my Sandy Bullock and her hubby by extension. And you know what I kind of just realized while looking at that picture? He's kind of DWL. Dirty wrong love. And if that's wrong I don't wanna be right.

When celebrities attack...

2007-04-26T13:10:00.000-04:00

I'm Not Obsessed has a great recap of this year's best Celebrity vs. Paparazzi feuds!

Click here to check it out!

K-Fed got himself a job!

2007-04-26T12:52:00.000-04:00

And the award for greatest comeback (is it a comeback if you were never "there" to begin with?) goes to....Kevin Federline, the new Axe Body Spray/Wash spokesperson!

And I mean, it's a natural fit, right? When I think of K-Fed I think of clean and fresh smelling.

Of roses and the fresh scent of the ocean.

Of lavender and fabric softner sheets and cinnamon buns.

Of Marlboro Reds and Colt 45 and Whataburger. Oh wait...

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

2007-04-26T12:46:00.000-04:00

Eve (real name: Eve Jeffers) was driving her gold Maserati in Hollywood around 2:45 AM Thursday when she hit the center divider, totaling the front of her car. TMZ was on the scene, and observed that after cops arrived, Eve was placed in handcuffs and (according to TMZ staffers) was “visibly upset” as they led her into a squad car. TMZ learned that there were two people in the car with Eve at the time.

Click here to check out the video.

Tobey Maguire is douchey...

2007-04-26T12:41:00.000-04:00

According to Page Six:

Maguire rolls with an entourage of 10, including his fiancée, Jennifer Meyer, their daughter, Ruby, and a personal chef who cooks him vegetarian meals. The star also requires "two cases of the water he likes, a rocking chair in his hotel bedroom, and a full-size refrigerator." A rep for Maguire had "no comment."

Maybe I can accept that the rocking chair is for the baby...maybe. But a full size refrigerator? Two cases of the water he likes? Come on. Seriously?

Oh, gross...

2007-04-25T12:39:00.000-04:00

Rhymes with Snitch has this picture on the site:

It's "allegedly" of Michael Jordan whoring it up with two sorority chicks in Cabo. This kind of grosses me out. I mean, this man is a father and these girls...well these girls just ain't right.

Why do women do that? A couple of drinks and suddenly they're rubbing their asses up against any guy in a 5 foot radius?

Okay, okay...in all fairness they are rubbing their asses on a living legend so I suppose that makes it a LITTLE bit more okay. Because I mean, it's Michael-Freakin'-Jordan after all. And if Michael-Freakin'-Jordan wanted to dirty dance with me at some sketchy Mexican bar I would totally do it...assuming that someone had a camera with which to document my questionable behavior.

Angry young man...

2007-04-25T12:15:00.000-04:00

What in God's good name do these people have to be so angry about? (I mean other than angry at the photographer who took the above photo) First Alec Baldwin and now Hugh Grant. My second question is, why would you waste some perfectly good beans?

The following report is about an incident that happened yesterday.

The star allegedly kicked him three times and kneed him near the groin. Photographer Ian Whittaker, ‘It looked like he had been out for a morning jog. I asked him if he would give me a smile because he was standing with his head down. But he must have been having a bad day because he started chasing me down the street. He gave me a couple of kicks in the legs and I think he kneed me.’ Whittaker described how the ‘Music and Lyrics’ star then picked up a takeaway container full of beans and threw it at him.

The photographer also claimed 46-year-old Hugh - who recently split from his girlfriend Jemima Khan - launched into a tirade of abuse aimed at his children. Whittaker said: ‘When I told him I had two children, he snarled, ‘I hope they die of f***ing cancer’. That really upset me and is why I went to the police to make a complaint of assault against him. He was out of order.’ Metropolitan police confirmed last night that the incident had been reported and they were planning to question Hugh on the matter.

No, seriously? Not cool, Hugh. Not cool. (click here for pics)

I vote we put Hugh, Alec, Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington into an American Gladiators-style stadium and let them duke it out. More effective than therapy plus it'll make for some good Pay-Per-View.

All hail the Ice Queen...

2007-04-25T12:05:00.000-04:00

I know it's hard to believe but insiders part of Victoria Beckham's new reality show claim she's a "grade-A bitch." According to reports from Britain's Star magazine, people close to the production say:

"She waltzes around with her icy attitude. People will walk up to her and say, 'Welcome to America', or, 'Good luck with the move', and she doesn't even stop to talk to them. The show is designed to make her a star in the States, but she's dreaming if she thinks that's going to happen. She's coming off as a grade-A bitch!"

See now that is just SO odd to me! Poshy strikes me as such a warm individual. She just needs to be in the right environment. Just look at the expression of sheer joy on her face while she's skiing:

Or how about her impassioned cheering for her husband's soccer team:

Or taking the kids out for a stroll - see the unbrideled happiness?

Of course you can! So I think that saucy chap is just looking to stir up trouble! A pox on you, saucy chap! Stop trying to spoil dear Poshy's good name.

Who Cares News of the Day: Rosie's leaving The View...

2007-04-25T11:52:00.000-04:00

O'Donnell said: "This has been an amazing experience, and one I wouldn't have traded for the world. Working with Barbara, Joy and Elisabeth has been one of the highlights of my career, but my needs for the future just didn't dovetail with what ABC was able to offer me. To all the viewers out there, I just want to say 'thank you' for opening up your hearts and your homes to me this past year. But you can always find me at rosie.com. Here's hoping there's more confetti for all of us going forward."

Is it just me? I absolutely HATE The View with a passion. I hate hearly these self-aggrandizing women cackling like chickens in a hen house. I feel sorry for guests on the show because it seems that they're always being trampled by one or more of the hosts trying to share their own opinion on everything from split ends to genocide in Darfur. ENOUGH ALREADY!

.....

I'm cranky.

Will Ferrell is a comic genius...

2007-04-24T18:31:00.000-04:00

OH.
MY.
GOD.

I think I just peed my pants.

Click here.

Recap of last week...

2007-04-23T14:04:00.000-04:00

Hmm...what'd I miss while I was gone?

Alec Baldwin lost his mind and left his 11 year old daughter a hateful voicemail on her cellphone. And, being the saucy little minx that she is, she forwarded it everyone with an email address. Take a listen.

Brilliant. Just bleeping brilliant. Dude, why so angry Alec?

What else? Oh yes, Britney Spears is still a train wreck. Click here for a montage of her elegant ensembles this weekend. Here's a little taste of crazy for you:

Aw, pretty. Oh, and then there's this lovely taped message she left for X17...she's a gentleman and a scholar, that Britney...and a nut job. (click here)

Sanjaya was invited to the White House.

No, seriously. No, for real. And if you STILL think this administration is on the level well, I can't help you. No one can.

Oh, and The National Enquirerer, that monument to fine journalism, is reporting that Larry Birkhead is gay and that his secret lover has exposed their torrid love affair.

.....

And in other "who cares news," Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are moving in together. Siiiiigh...boooooring. (bitter, party of one!)

Oh, here's a good one. Rapper Akon is in trouble for basically dry humping the crap out of a 14 year old daughter of a minister. In his defense this girl does NOT look 14 but good lord god, that's some SERIOUS energy that boy's got. Click here to see videos and photos.

Rumor has it Renee Zelwegger is dating (MY FUTURE HUSBAND) John Krasinski.

Ew.

Now I'm too hurt to continue this post. Talk amongst yourselves.

While I was out...

2007-04-18T10:51:00.000-04:00

Sorry for not posting in so long. It's been a crazy couple of weeks and I'm 8 hours away from hopping on another flight...ew. Work is really cramping my blog style. By anywho, I digress.

I was doing a little blog surfing today to see what I've been missing. And it's been a great week!

First, Chloe Sevigny went out in an outfit that didn't automatically give me a seizure. And yes, it's ridiculously short but all "baby factory jokes" aside, it's rather cute and she looks rather fresh and pretty, no?

\

But perhaps the best "extreme makeover award" goes to our dear post-rehab Britney. Looks! Panties! Hooray!

I mean, I don't know what's up with the rest of the outfit but...PANTIES! HOORAY! (baby steps...)

Hmm...what else? Oh yes. Pete Doherty is still a disgusting gross-o-pants. See?

And apparently his friends are having an intervention...so um, yeah...good luck with that. I'd like to intervene with a facial and some self-tanner...and make a cheeseburger and a manicure...and shampoo...or maybe turpintine. But um, okay great. Good luck, Pete!

Oh, get this. Lindsay Lohan told Allure magazine that she's the protector of all her friends. Page Six reports LiLo saying: "When my friends and family are around me I feel like they're safe . . . When my friends have left me - I've just seen everything collapse. They're not safe without me."

Uh, riiiiiiiight. Other fantastic snippets include:

"It's so weird that I went to rehab. I always said I would die before I went to rehab." And, "Everybody's tired of hearing things about me and them . . . I think it's just better for me to lie low and get better."

Let's see how long it takes for her to deny she said any of this.

And the best news ever? A reality show to cast the next Menudo is said to be in the works.

If you don't know the joys of Menudo, log on to iTunes immediately and download...IMMEDIATELY. NOW.

Okay, that's all I have to say for now. All in all a very good week!

Another reason I love Pammy more each day...

2007-04-18T10:31:00.000-04:00

The following photo was posted (along with several others...click here to see them) was posted all over the internet last week with bloggers talking about how terrible Pam Anderson looks.

Her response? Check out what she wrote on her blog:

It’s only a family vacation. We had a great time in Maui - hope everyone had a great spring break too - no photographers.

Thank god I don’t have a google alert on myself (like some people I know do on themselves) - I’ve just been sent some pics from Hawaii - I have to laugh - well at least the world knows I don’t get botox - ha!…I’m much hotter in my mind - (I swear I look better) - then again I hardly check a mirror before I go outside - may start doing that more.

I may have to start working out too though - genes and gymnastics have gotten me this far.

I just refuse to let these paparazzi ruin my time or my lifestyle in general with my children - I’m not going to spend time putting makeup on or staying covered up on the beach -camera in your face - up your butt - it’s crazy - too many tabloids - must be running out of stuff to print…I’m a semi-retired single mom - hello?

I’m having a great time with my kids always!…nothing new.

I love that!

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

2007-04-09T13:56:00.000-04:00

Things that are sexy:
1. Wentworth Miller and Dominic Purcell from Prison Break.
2. Beach sunsets.
3. A good old fashioned make-out session.
4. Martinis.
5. George Clooney.

Things that are NOT sexy:

1. Furry Uggs with mini-skirt and, most egrediously, thick legs:

Look, I have thick legs, too. I'm not picking on thick legs as a concept. All I'm saying is that giving yourself Ugg-induced cankles is NEVER a good idea but especially not when you wear anything over a size 6.

Also, furry Uggs? In April? In Miami? Really? No, I don't think so.

And furthermore, I'm scared to know what happens when you sit down. I'm guessing that skirt creates a tunnel to the road less traveled...and if you keep wearing that outfit it will stay less traveled.

Fashion disasters of the day...

2007-04-04T16:28:00.000-04:00

Charlize Theron...

I hardly ever fug Charlize but this is a whole lot of outfit. Too much...way too much. I don't really understand what's happening with this shirt but I do understand this...I have a visceral reaction to bell cuffs. And bell cuffs with lace on the ends? Stop it. Just stop it. The skinny jeans, the blazer, the hair and jewelry - all fantastic. The "shirt" looks like it came from Liberace's closet and, unless you're Elton John in circa 1970, that is NOT a good place to shop.

Also on today's list, my fave, Chloe Sevigny...

The only way I could accept this outfit is if Chloe was wearing it to an audition for the role of Blanche Devareax in the Broadway musical adaptation of The Golden Girls: Season 1. Otherwise, it just ain't right. And if I have to explain to you WHY it ain't right, you need to log off your computer and crawl out from under the rock where you've been living.

Sweet Jesus...that ain't right...

2007-04-03T16:51:00.000-04:00

Said Keith Richards in a recent interview with British music magazine NME, “The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared… It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Rolling Stone's Top 25 Rock Rumors...

2007-04-03T12:37:00.000-04:00

This is kind of fun! I'd heard some of them but others are new...and disturbing. Thankfully I'll assume they're all false.

1. Paul McCartney is or has ever been dead.
2. Stevie Nicks’ assistant had to blow coke up Stevie’s ass due to Nicks’ destroyed nasal passages.
3. Mama Cass died after choking on a ham sandwich.
4. Angie Bowie caught her husband in bed with Mick Jagger.
5. Mark David Chapman was an assassin programmed by the CIA.
6. Members of Led Zeppelin pleased a teenage groupie using a red snapper/shark as their sex toy of choice.
7. Jim Morrison was killed by members of the Nixon administration/faked his own death/died from a heart attack brought on by masturbating in a Parisian bathtub.
8. Deborah Harry was once abducted by serial killer Ted Bundy.
9. Keith Moon drove a car into a Holiday Inn pool on his 21st birthday, knocked out a couple of teeth and got the Who banned for life from all Holiday Inns.
10. Gene Simmons had a cow tongue grafted onto his own tongue after a car accident.
11. Rod Stewart/Lil’ Kim/Jordan Knight had to get their respective stomachs pumped after ingesting a gallon of semen.
12. During a drug bust on Mick’s place Marianne Faithfull was once found with a Mars bar between her legs.
13. Marilyn Manson had his lowest set of ribs removed so he could blow himself.
14. Alice Cooper and Frank Zappa attempted to gross each other out by shitting onstage, then eating it.
15. Bob Marley was assassinated/given cancer in his toe by the CIA.
16. Phil Collins’ tune “In the Air Tonight” was written after Collins witnessed a gruesome incident in which one man let another man drown.
17. Keith Richards routinely has in the past/continues today to get full-body blood transfusions.
18. Jack and Meg White are brother and sister.
19. “Hotel California” is about a Christian church that was abandoned then taken over by Satan worshipers, the Eagles are Satan worshipers and Satan him (or her) self appears in the window on the album jacket.
20. Bob Ezrin, who produced Lou Reed’s Berlin, got the anguished children’s cries you hear on “The Kids” by telling his own children their mother was dead and recording the sounds they made.
21. Pearl Jam was named after a peyote-infused jam Eddie Vedder’s grandmother used to make.
22. Charles Manson auditioned for the Monkees.
23. Marilyn Manson played Kevin Arnold’s friend Paul Pfeiffer on the Wonder Years.
24. Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his guitar-playing gifts.
25. Roy Orbison was an albino and wore dark glasses because he was blind.

Eye assault...

2007-04-03T12:34:00.000-04:00

Sweet Jesus...Macy Gray decided to perform completely naked to protest fur.

There is NO need. None. Zero. I must go wash now.

Wild kingdom...when leopards attack...

2007-04-03T12:15:00.000-04:00

I have no idea who Veronica Grey is but, according to IMDB she's an actress/producer/writer starring in such cinematic masterpieces as "Hey DJ" and "Lost Girls." No, I don't know Veronica Grey but I do know this...leopard can kill.

I'm fairly certain I saw this "dress" in the last Fredricks of Hollywood Annual Sale catalogue. Also, I can't quite figure out what's on her left hand but it looks like she's wrapped it in a sandwich baggie. And that leads me to believe that the entire ensemble is an homage to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom and designed to illustrate the circle of life in which man becomes meal for some of nature's most ferocious beasts.

Either that or she lost a bet.

Tara Watch 2007

2007-04-03T12:13:00.000-04:00

ORANGE ALERT. I repeat, we're at orange alert.

Listen, I'm glad you got your ta-tas fixed, T. Really, I am. But housing them in a too small, sorry excuse for a bikini top is no way to treat your new found friends. Silicone needs to breath.

LiLo is taunting me...

2007-04-02T14:27:00.000-04:00

I think it's great that LiLo is keeping it real by shopping for t-shirts at The Gap...I just wish she'd buy some boyfriend trousers to go with it.

Post-rehab news...

2007-04-02T14:23:00.000-04:00

Have you all been wondering what Britney's been up to since leaving rehab?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Will someone please explain to this lost, little child that belting a jersey is not appropriate use of clothing? Yes it's a bejeweled belt and all but that still doesn't make it okay.

Oh and I almost forgot, PUT SOME PANTS ON. I would even accept Lakers-branded track pants - anything to minimize the risk of seeing your va-jay-jay on the JumboTron.

Oh my god...

2007-03-26T13:40:00.001-04:00

I want to adopt this child.

Click here and turn up your sound.

When dresses go bad...

2007-03-26T13:02:00.000-04:00

I like to say that you can't go wrong in a dress. But clearly that's a dirty lie as these stars proved this week.

Katherine McPhee.

The color is pretty but the belt looks (1) cheap, (2) like it doesn't belong, and (3) ugly and weird and inappropriately paired with such a delicate frock. Also, the bottom looks like she just came from the bathroom and, so shaken by how flat her hair looks she neglected to notice that her dress was tucked into the control top of her pantyhose. And that's unfortunate because if you think the front looks bad, just imagine what the view from behind is.

One I didn't expect to see was Jennifer Lopez.

But sweet Jesus what is this mess? I can't believe Marc Anthony let her leave the house like this and didn't put the Puerto Rican Smack Down on her. Skulls? Really, Jennifer. You're too old for this business. And the shoes? I'm all for multi-use but I don't think it's necessary for your shoes to double as floatation devices. You're J.Lo. We get it. No need to prove your stardom by attempting to walk on water.

And of course, no list would be complete without Chloe Sevigny, my muse.

It's very "Wicked Witch of the West Goes To Prom in 1983." But the hair and makeup look fantastic and she'd look very pretty if you cut off her head and perhaps displayed it as part of a fruit platter instead of atop that hideous taffeta massacre.

Oh, crazy Juliette Lewis...

This outfit is so special. And I know it's not a dress - no, no...that would be too pedestrian for sweet Juliette. Instead she's paired shimery white pantyhose with puffy trouser shorts, cropped leather jacket, with electric blue suede hooker boots and a lavender beret in what I can only assume is a tribute to Elvis Presley's trip to Paris in the 1950s. And I mean, who doesn't love Elvis, you know? For that I'll give her a pass...

...this time.

This is a good and manly look...

2007-03-26T12:52:00.000-04:00

I need a hero...

2007-03-21T14:40:00.000-04:00

Sweet lord Jesus, child. Who did this to you?

Oh Hayden. So young, so confused. You see, Hayden, I am in full support of sequins. If sequins were a political candidate I'd be kissing babies and adorning lawns with festive posters all in sequins' name.

I am a fan of jeans. I love jeans. As my friend Bill would say, I want to take jeans behind the school and get them pregnant.

And boots. Who doesn't love boots? Okay, in the interest of full disclosure I actually hate high boots because they never fit over my fat man-calves. But enough about my own emotional pain.

The point is, Hayden, this outfit is ATROCIOUS. And you're way too cute to be labeled atrocious. And I can't allow you to prance about in, what could've been a very cute dress over what could've been very cute jeans TUCKED INTO what could've been very cute boots. The key words here are COULD'VE BEEN. But now you've ruined them all.

This is tough love, Hayden darling. I hope I never have to say this to you again. Now go run along and play.

JDick...

2007-03-20T17:24:00.000-04:00

Apparently Janice Dickinson was banned from some LA Fashion Week events. I, for one, can't imagine why.

How sexy is the white cotton part of pantyhose?

Ahem...

2007-03-20T12:42:00.000-04:00

This is why Lindsay Lohan should wear pants.

I think I've made my point.

Tara Watch 2007

2007-03-20T12:29:00.000-04:00

I've been staring at this picture for like 15 minutes, unable to pinpoint what it is that I hate about it so.

I've decided that I'm just having a visceral reaction to the tight, sweatpant-like britches tucked into too-shiny boots. And maybe the big puffy sleeves of her sweatshirt. Or maybe...

This exercise is exhausting me.

We'll just keep her at Orange Alert.

Dancing With The Stars is back!

2007-03-20T11:39:00.000-04:00

Heather Mills' publicist is a bleeping rockstar. The bitch is the most hated woman in the UK and yet she's got a crowd of tubby midwesterners giving her a standing ovation on last night's season premiere of Dancing With The Stars. (Hooray! It's back!)

And the best part - other than the fact that every other sentence is about how BRAVE she is and how her prosthetic leg may pop off at any minute - is that they describe her as a political activist. They forgot the whole "ex-porn star" part. They forgot about the money grubbing ex-wife of Paul McCartney part. But that's neither here nor there.

I would also like to discuss the fact that Joey Fatone from N*Sync is on this season.

Clearly he has my vote. Boy banders at my fave - next to former child stars. (Read: Mario Lopez)

Also on this season, the very weird and pointy looking Apollo Anton Ohno, Olympic medalist speed skater.

I can't quite figure out what makes him so odd looking. (Teeth? Soul patch? Eyebrows?) But I will give the boy props - he can shake a tail. With a little work he could be a contender. He also wins the award for "Most Likely to Hook Up With His Partner" - she is a 20 year old Christina Aguilera wannabe who's melting his spandex pants with her eyes.

Clearly Apollo's no match for my main man Joey, but he could be a close second.

No wait. Make that third. Ian Ziering, Steve from 90210 is on this season. That is good television, people.

Laila Ali rocks. She's surprisingly agile given the fact that she's built like Jason Taylor. (Hot piece of Miami Dolphins ass - damn I'm classy) Cliff from Cheers is on, too along with some Miss USA and Paulina Whatsherface, that model. No one else was memorable enough to write about. (that includes Leeza Gibbons who I have a problem with for the simple reason that she spells her name LEEZA and not Lisa like God intended)

Oh wait, I must report some tragic news. Billy Ray Cyrus (as in, My Achy Breaky Heart) has been attacked by a flat iron. No other victims have been claimed in this horrific attack. We'll have more to report next episode.

This promises to be a great season! Check out the cast bios here!

Update on Rose's wonky eye - for Bill...

2007-03-19T18:24:00.000-04:00

Remember this?

Here's her explanation:

ROSE McGowan , a star of upcoming gore-fest "Grindhouse," had a gory experience of her own a few weeks ago - but it could have been worse. McGowan was a passenger in a car that collided with another, and the accident pushed her eyeglasses into her face. "I didn't realize I was hurt until I put my hand to my face and felt the flap of skin. My glasses had sliced me under my eye," the gorgeous actress tells us. She was terrified of scarring, but found an excellent plastic surgeon.

Aw, and here I thought it was all the coke, Satan worship and whorish behavior. Sorry, Rose!

Move over Google...

2007-03-19T18:11:00.000-04:00

This is the best thing EVER.

Search With Kevin, the only search engine that gives you the chance to win D-List prizes with each search!

Wanna to be inches closer to contracting The Clap? You know it!

Want the chance to be the next baby momma without child support? Bring it!

Wanna party with K-Fed? Hell yeah!

Well then Search With Kevin is the search engine for you! Click here to check it out!

BWOT Pop Quiz!

2007-03-19T13:23:00.000-04:00

It's quiz time, readers! Here we go...

What's Kim Stewart missing?

A. Class.
B. Pants.
C. Self respect.
D. All of the above.

Answer: The correct answer is D, all of the above. Bonus points if you added "hot oil treatment" to your answer.

True or false...

2007-03-19T13:15:00.000-04:00

Pants are optional if you're wearing a coat.

FALSE! Totally f-ing false, LiLo! PANTS!!!

Tara Watch 2007

2007-03-19T13:11:00.000-04:00

I don't care for this outfit. I mean, I totally appreciate the fact that I can't see her fallopian tubes but the black tights are way too harsh for that dress...which, by the way, isn't my favorite to begin with. So I'll leave her at Orange Alert.

But on other Tara news, check out the report from Page Six:

REFORMED party girl Tara Reid is starting a new career: restaurateur. The actress, 31, is opening a new fast-food joint called Ketchup in Los Angeles on March 31. "You probably won't see me behind the cash register," Reid told In Touch. "But I'll definitely be in the kitchen making sure everything is done right."

Of course I will be frequenting this establishment. I simply cannot wait.

Am going to throw up...

2007-03-16T12:31:00.000-04:00

They're casting the...gulp...20th season of The Real World. I don't understand how this is possible. 20? I feel like the first one was yesterday. Did they do two per year? Can someone please help me understand this and feel better about myself? I want to cry.

Um...okay...

2007-03-16T12:22:00.000-04:00

I knew Heather Mills, Paul McCartney's ex, was a model before she met him. I did NOT know, however, that she was THIS kind of model. (not safe for work) You have scroll down past the weird pig stuff so see what I'm talking about.

Tara Watch 2007

2007-03-16T12:14:00.000-04:00

I knew it. I spoke too soon.

We're back at Orange Alert for Ms. Reid due to this unfortunate choice of shirt and lack of appropriate undergarments. Also, the trouser shorts...tsk tsk.

LiLo strikes again...

2007-03-16T12:03:00.000-04:00

I said I wasn't going to comment on Lindsay Lohan anymore. I said I was bored of her and her shenanigans and her nasty attitude. The thing is, I am human, people. And sometimes a situation comes your way where it'd be down right irresponsible not to comment.

This is one of those situations:

For the love of god and all that is holy WEAR SOME PANTS. And P.S., sheer PANTY HOSE do not count as pants. They don't serve the same purpose as pants. And although my mother would applaud you for your use of control top, I'm fairly certain she wouldn't be nuts about the fact that one stiff wind would expose your baby factory.

NOT THAT YOU SHOULD BE MANUFACTURING ANY BABIES ANY TIME SOON, YOUNG LADY. You hear me?

Also, that hair sort of freaks me out - it's a little too "Children of the Corn" on your and I hate "Children of the Corn." I don't particularly care for corn either, for that matter.

Time marches on...

2007-03-15T12:49:00.000-04:00

To quote Steele Magnolias, "...eventually you realize it's marching all over your face."

I saw this picture and didn't immediately realize who it was. Tonya Harding.

Whoa.

I mean, Tonya was never the most ATTRACTIVE woman, and sure she was the very definition of white trash with the perm and long red nails and blue eye shadow, but that was a far cry from her current state which can only be defined as German headmistress meets butch lesbian.

Well, I'm glad she's found a new career. Best of luck to her.

Okay so I have a soft spot for babies...

2007-03-15T12:23:00.000-04:00

So sue me. But come on...how can you resist this?

Donald and Barron have the same hair.

Jared Leto is gross - Volume 2

2007-03-15T12:18:00.000-04:00

This look is vaguely familiar. Oh yes:

Congratulations Brangelina!

2007-03-15T12:10:00.000-04:00

Meet Pak (or Pax...there seems to be some confusion) Thien Jolie, the newest addition to the Pitt-Jolie brood.

He's cute, huh?

A Great Waste of Time: Suri's Halloween Costume!

2007-03-15T12:05:00.001-04:00

Play dress-up with Suri Cruise! Just click here.

I had NO idea!

2007-03-13T12:33:00.000-04:00

Here I am, the last to know AGAIN.

Salma Hayek is engaged and pregnant. She's marrying this guy, French businessman, Francois-Henri Pinault. They've been dating less than a year but have been friends for some time.

Well good for her! I love that Salma!

New couple alert! (ew!)

2007-03-13T12:24:00.000-04:00

If by "couple" you mean "unhealthy sexual relationship."

From Page Six:

"She called Jude at 1 in the morning," said our spy, "and met him at The Box." The next night, Lohan hit Cipriani Downtown for dinner, stopped by Beatrice Inn, and met up later with Jude at The Box again - this time joined by Law's pals Sean Penn and Tim Robbins. "They are adoring one another's company," said one sly observer, who could not confirm or deny any "dating."

When trouser shorts attack...

2007-03-13T12:21:00.000-04:00

Hilary Duff, the latest celeb to fall victim to trouser shorts.

She was doing so well dressing herself. Clearly it's time to call in a stylist.

Jared Leto is gross - Volume 1

2007-03-13T12:16:00.000-04:00

I can only assume that this will turn into a recurring post.

Here's Jared performing in Miami last week and looking sort of like the love child of Tom Hanks in Castaway and a yehti.

Vomit.

Trouble in paradise?

2007-03-13T12:10:00.000-04:00

I'm not the best judge of people. I learned that the hard way (time and time again) and I now freely admit it. But here's the thing, this does not look like a particularly happy couple. In fact, the only one who does look happy is Suri who I'm guessing is blissfully plotting her way to total world domination.

They look tired. And bored. And annoyed. Nothing a little couch jumping can't fix, I'm sure. But if Tom is the new Scientology messiah then he should be asking himself W.W.J.D., sucking it up and smiling for the cameras.

True love is a beautiful thing...

2007-03-13T12:03:00.000-04:00

Clearly I'm a very sick woman with an unhealthy fantasy life and attraction to men that are no good for me. And I like it. So call me crazy but I just heart these two together and I hope the rumors of their impending reunion are true.

Pam and Tommy seen canoodling last week. LAST WEEK! There's hope!

Embarrasing fact...

2007-03-08T12:30:00.000-05:00

I'm totally embarrassed to admit this but last night I watched "The Search for the Next Doll." That's right. It's a reality show looking to cast the next Pussycat Doll. It was on right after America's Next Top Model which, I'm also embarrassed to say, I can't get enough of. I want to go shopping with Tyra and Twiggy and I want Miss Jay to teach me how to walk like a lady.

But back to "Doll."

Am I missing something? Are the PCDs really all about female empowerment like all these star struck 19 year old hopefuls claimed? One girl say she wants to become a PCD to prove to her parents - who are both doctors - that there are other ways to be successful. And although I'm sure her parents can appreciate that, I'm guessing that "successfully helping teen boys across the world navigate the tumultuous seas of puberty" was not the kind of success they had in mind.

Did I miss the part where the PCDs burned their bras, or protested the treamtment of women in the Middle East? If I did, I apologize - I think I was distracted by the fact that they were grinding around in underwear and fishnet stockings.

Hmm...here are some lyrics from a song called "I Don't Need A Man."

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!

Right. Okay. So you can...yes, well. I suppose that's a good thing.

Is there something in this set of lyrics, for their song "Hot Stuff (I Want You Back)" that I'm not interpreting correctly?

Looking for your hot stuff
Baby, I need it (Come on)
Looking for your hot stuff
Baby, tonight (Baby, baby)
I want your hot stuff
I got to feel it (I got to feel it)
Got to have your hot stuff
Got to have your love tonight

I'm fairly certain I've had the same exchange via text message with an ex-boyfriend at 3:00 a.m. after my ninth beer.

Or how about this one - "Wait A Minute" - which seems promising when they sing:

Girl, why you do me like that?
You take all my money
Can't even call a player back (Wait a minute)
Boy, why you tripping like that?
You think 'cause you tricking you get it just like that? (Wait a minute)

And then you get to the end where they say:

What they call you, Mr. Tin man or something?
See, I don't want your cars
I don't want your jewelry
You can't buy this
So you can keep that
Wait a minute...Uh yeah, you can give me that back

Don't get me wrong. I'd love to be a Pussycat Doll! I wouldn't even mind being the red headed one that looks like a tranny. I would be trampiest PCD this world has ever seen! Female empowerment, my ass. I want to objectified and treated like a talentless piece of meat.

So my question to these 9 contestants is, "why fight it?" Own your desire to be a glorified sex symbol! I mean hey, if you've got it, flaunt it. Flaunt it while you still can!

Lordy, lordy...

2007-03-08T12:17:00.000-05:00

You guys remember John Popper? No? Maybe this will help refresh your memory:

Yup - the lead singer from Blues Traveler, a band that I always loved. Back in 1993 John was arrested for possession of marijuana...but it seems like he's upgraded.

He was arrested yesterday in Washington after being caught going 111 mph on the highway in his Mercedes SUV. And in this SUV cops discovered the following:

“…a cache of weapons and a small amount of marijuana. A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments containing four rifles, nine handguns and a switchblade knife. Authorities also found a Taser and night vision goggles.”

Apparently the car also had flashing emergency headlights, a siren and a pa system. According to John all these installations were because he was afraid of being left behind in the event of a natural disaster. Also, he liked collecting weapons.

Hmm, really? That's nice to know. But must you keep your entire collection in your car?

Listen here, Mischa Barton's sister...

2007-03-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

How nice. Celebrating her escape from rehab by taking a little shopping trip with her big sister.

I suppose it's only appropriate to celebrate your new found sobriety by wearing the tights you made in arts and crafts using old panty hose, cherry-flavored Kool-Aid and chopped up "Your Liver & You" pamphlets. And although I certainly appreciate your artful representation of your inner most feelings as illustrated through nylon, I have to make one eensy recommendation.

They're called pants. Look into them.

Kelly Osbourne needs a stylist...

2007-03-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

You know how sometimes you feel pretty? Oh so pretty? You feel pretty and witty and gay?

For Kelly Osbourne, this is not one of those times.

When fanny packs attack...

2007-03-06T20:31:00.000-05:00

Oh, (non-Britney connected) Jason Alexander. I shed a tear for you.

Leather vest? Matching leather fanny pack? Aggressively patterned shirt?

I’m sorry. I didn’t know things were so bad.

Come on, man! Shake it off! So what if you haven’t had a successful show since those glorious Seinfeld days of yore. That doesn’t mean your life is over! No! It's only beginning, Jason!

Embrace life! Embrace sunlight...or at least some self-tanner! Release your bitterness...and your grip on the Krispy Kremes! Life is short!

Good god...ouch.

2007-03-06T12:41:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not a huge fan of Kelis' wardrobe choices but all in all I suppose this isn't terrible. The color is actually very pretty on her. It's no secret that I hate "tarzan straps" but hey, she can rock it, I suppose. In the grand scheme of things she looks young and fun and more or less put together...

...and then you zoom in.

Aaaak! Okay, not to be a total prude but the very thought of stabbing my nipple with a metal ring makes me gag and black out briefly. For the life of me I can't understand why people would want to pierce THAT. Not to mention piercings in your bits and pieces. OH MY GOD. I CAN'T EVEN THINK IT WITHOUT GETTING THE HEEBIE JEEBIES.

And yes, I know all about the alleged benefits. And I don't care. Because I would never been able to relax enough to enjoy it. I would be thinking horrible thoughts about freakish piercing accidents. Oh my god, I'm squeezing my legs together and cringing at the very thought.

I need to stop. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

Ay mama...

2007-03-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

I'll preface this by saying that I think Selma Hayek is gorgeous. And I can appreciate leaving your house in less than Vogue-cover fashion but what in God's good name was she thinking with this whole look?

The flowy purple dress makes her look like Barney. The hair is a desperate cry for leave-in conditioner and a hot-oil treatment. I mean, what is happening here?

Ew.

2007-03-05T12:48:00.000-05:00

Is it wrong of me to wish that MK Olsen would have a nervous breakdown and shave her head? Anything to rid the world of that straw.

I'm going to make this quick...

2007-03-05T12:37:00.000-05:00

...because I'm embarrassed to say it. But K-Fed is lookin' pretty good these days, huh?

Okay, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

The place I don't want to vacation at...

2007-03-05T12:26:00.000-05:00

Let me begin by asking, am I the only person who can't believe Tori Spelling is still pregnant? I mean, seriously - is she, like 15 months in? I feel like she's been hugely pregnant for ever.

Anywho, not one to rest on her laurels, Tori and her hubby Dean have been busy creating the McDermott Baby Farm, which I'm told is a bed and breakfast. I'm going to assume that this place caters to a very specific kind of person...and I'm damn sure that person isn't me. Because if I was going to plan a romantic, tryst-filled weekend with my (imaginary) boyfriend, I think booking a room at the Baby Farm would create the kind of awkward pressure that may cause us to lose that lovin' feeling.

I wonder if this is the start of a new trend? Maybe Dean and Tori can branch out, creating unique themed B&Bs for other life phases. The "I Like You Enough to Sleep With You But Am Not Ready For a Commitment" Farm. Or perhaps the "I'm Paying for This Weekend in Cash So My Wife Doesn't Find Out" Farm?

So many options.

But I have to give it to Tori. Though I often find myself questioning her maternity fashion choices, girlfriend is rocking her pregnancy.

BWOT’s Song Lyrics of the Week!

2007-03-05T11:28:00.000-05:00

Throw Some Ds by Rich Boy

Rich boy sellin' crack
Dope ni**** wanna jack
Sh** tight no slack
Just bought a Cadillac (Throw Some D's On Da Bitch!)
Just bought a Cadillac (Throw Some D's On Dat Bitch!)
Just bought a Cadillac (Throw Some D's On Dat Bitch!)

I’d like to thank my friend Julia for turning me onto this little gem. My filthy mind immediately went to fake boobs – as in, “What did Marie have done at the plastic surgeon’s office?” “Oh, he just threw some Ds on that bitch.”

Not so. According to Wikipedia these Ds are Dayton rims…as in, for your car.

But allow me to thank Rich Boy for giving us such a though provoking little diddy.

Question...

2007-03-02T12:41:00.000-05:00

What color is Pete Doherty? He's not black. He's not white. He's really more of a greenish shade of gray.

And I'm no doctor, but I don't think looking like a wax reproduction of a corpse (because actual corpses look more human than Petey) is a healthy place to be.

Couple of the Year...

2007-03-02T12:32:00.000-05:00

First, let me explain that these photos came from TheBastardly and that's why they're marked up with the yellow writing. (I can't take credit for that commentary) The Purple Star of Modesty, however, is all me.

What's that saying? "The couple that strips together stays together?"

Or is it, "The couple that publicly denigrates each other stays together?"

Hmm...can't see to recall. And yes, I'm not really sure what's happening in her crotch-area but that's what she gets for wearing white jeans after Labor Day...and after 1991.

So cute I could throw up...

2007-03-02T12:21:00.000-05:00

Those of you who read this blog often know that I'm not the biggest Brad Pitt fan. It's not that I don't like him - I'm not the Anti-Pitt, if you will - it's just that I'm apathetic...ambivolent...could take him or leave him.

And then I saw this picture.

Now I want to love him like a fat kid loves cake.

"Who cares" couples news...

2007-03-01T12:47:00.000-05:00

Robin Givens and rapper Ginuwine.

I didn't realize Robin Givens was still alive. Good for her!

Um, ew.

2007-03-01T12:42:00.000-05:00

Alright, I'll give Michelle Williams credit. She can rock a pixie cut like nobody's business. She cannot, however, rock this dress which looks like the Christmas ornament I made in grade school out of spray-painted gold rigatoni and green construction paper.

And although I commend her for having holiday spirit in March, I am also fantasizing about giving her pipe-cleaner wings and hanging her on my tree this December.

Desperate cry for attention...

2007-03-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, Minnie Driver. We get it. You're not dead. You're very much alive...and pale...and apparently suffering from an overheated crotch requiring you to immediately fan your lady bits in public.