An open letter to Britney Spears:

Dear Britney –
Britney, Britney, Britney. How the mighty have fallen. I won’t lie, I once loved you. I was jealous of your perfect hair (extensions), your perfect (capped) teeth, your perfect (surgically enhanced) body, your cute ex-Mousekateer boyfriend.

Was it Justin? Did the break-up push you over the fine line that exists between “down home” and trailer trash? Was it the fact that Christina Aguilera had seemingly mastered the trashy-chic look and you felt threatened, like maybe she knew something you didn’t and you wanted to hop on that trash train before it left the station?

I want to understand, Brit. I really do.

I forgave you for hooking up with Colin Farrell because, let’s face it, he may be a skank but he’s a hot skank and that makes him trash-tastic.

I forgave you (yet I can’t forget) when you walked out of that gas station bathroom without your shoes on. (I hope you’ve sought treatment for the fungal infection that you no doubt developed in there)


I got over it when you married that guy from Seinfeld in Vegas. He looks different than his “George” character on the show. Not as short, old, balding or chubby. I told my friends, “She’s just young and carefree! We all do stupid things!” Okay so driving with your newborn on your lap was PROBABLY not the best idea but I’m going to go with the “new mom still learning the ropes” argument and try to move on.

But Brit, I can’t…I just CANNOT support your marriage to that no-talent, one-step-from-Jeff-Foxworthy, dumber than a bag of hair, man-whore hack. And what upsets me the most, Brit is that I feel that you laid out the old “Slip-N-Slide” and dove across the aforementioned fine line. BRITNEY, CAN’T YOU SEE? You are just a trailer away from being trailer trash! HELP ME HELP YOU, BRIT.

Now you know that I don’t judge. I’m not a judger. I want to help – to provide solutions. Here’s what I think you should do.

1. Dump Kevin. And I mean literally – there are a ton of landfills in Southern California. And money buys anything, Brit. Ask around. People KNOW people. People who can make other people disappear, if you know what I’m saying. You’d be doing the world a favor – no more PopoZao.

2. Use a hot oil treatment weekly. Home girl, your hair is starting to look like yellow yarn. It reminds me of the Rainbow Bright doll I had as a child.

3. Wear shoes. Especially outside. Especially in places where people miss the toilet more often than not.

4. Hook up with a celebrity – someone with a teensy bit of class to help up yours. Maybe a Jake Gyllenhal or John Legend.

5. Lay off the Ho-Hos. I’m just trying to help, Brit. Let’s face it, keep hittin’ the BK drive-thru and you’ll never get back into those sassy leather chaps from the “I’m A Slave” video.

Believe me, this hurts me more than it hurts you. But I share because I care.

Kisses,
Denise