The Evil Brit Witch is Ripping My Heart Out…

Damn you, J.K. Rowling! Damn you straight to hell!

On Monday that wicked shrew did an interview with a British TV show and hinted (read: threatened) that Harry Potter may not survive the last book.

HARRY POTTER. SURVIVE. BOOK.

Are you HEARING me people?

"The final chapter is hidden away, although it's now changed very slightly. One character got a reprieve. But I have to say two die that I didn't intend to die," she said. "A price has to be paid. We are dealing with pure evil here. They don't target extras do they? They go for the main characters. Well, I do."

Yes, we are dealing with pure evil, J.K. And that evil is you! Look, all I’m saying is that 90210 and Saved By The Bell both went on for like, what? 80 seasons? I mean, they were in high school for like 10 years. They went on to college together. And then Kelly and Zach got married and I totally hated her for taking what was rightfully mine because I had pined after Zach Morris for years, giving up my Saturday mornings to love him. But noooooooo, the chick with the big boobs always gets the guy. I mean, is it my fault that genetics made me flat chested? No. No it’s not.

But I digress. My point is, if the class of Saved By the Bell can keep rocking for the same length of time slouch socks were in style, why can’t Harry & Co.?

I can see it now! A whole series dedicated to Harry Potter: The College Years. Harry, Ron and Hermione can have some sort of booze-induced threesome and chalk it up to experimentation. Think of all the adventures they can have with magical drugs, and summer abroad, and passing out in a haunted frat house with their head in the toilet and wearing someone else’s pants! That’s at least five books right there.

I’m just saying, J.K. I’ve got a whole lot of free time on my hands and I’d be willing to ghost write. I don’t even need all the credit. Just let me have a shot.

…oh, to do that I’m going to need Harry alive. Don’t make me come up with some weird soap opera-esque plot in which Harry magically comes back to life. Because I will. Don’t put it past me.

So if you’re so concerned with keeping your precious Harry safe from the mooching literary hacks who will try to whisk him away to a magical land of beer pong and keg stands, I suggest you work with me here. And let’s cut evil off at the pass.