An open letter to Mary Kate Olsen...

Dear MK:
Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing, Mary Kate. This is all some weird twin rebellion thing. Ashley’s all cute and sophisticated and glowing and dewy and since you are a rebel, you want to be the complete opposite. Dirty, trashy, ugly, scary. The list of adjectives goes on.

Let’s review.

Ashley:


MK:

Son of a…what’s going on here? I thought we left the heroine chic look back in the mid-90s with Kate Moss and Calvin Klein? Were you even BORN in the mid-90s? I want to chase after you with a comb, some eye make-up and nail polish remover. And that ‘tude! Why so angry, MK? You’re worth a bajillion dollars. Buy some happiness. And a Twinkie, while you’re at it.

Let’s see what else we’ve got here:

Hey MK, can you hand me a pair of scissors to cut those heinous pouf-sleeves from your heinous dress? You kind of look like you popped off the cover of an Anne Rice novel, rolled around in dirt, did some crystal meth and then posed for a red carpet picture. Not good, MK. Not good at all.


Eew. I…you…I mean…why…good god, woman. Have you no shame? By the way, I’m pretty sure I saw Kate Hudson wearing this same outfit and, guess what? It looked like ass on her too. Don’t repeat the mistakes of other too-skinny, stringy-haired, pseudo-hippie actresses.


Yes, MK. There is such thing as glasses that are too big for your face. And from the looks of it, you found them! Congratulations! Now drop them into a steel bin and set them on fire. Then walk away and never look back.


Holy over-accessorized, Mary Kate. I’d be willing to bet that we could get Egyptian cable channels if we stuck you on the roof and pointed your arm upwards.


Three words for you - Lose. The. Scarves. You look RIDICULOUS. They look as though they are eating you alive. If you’re cold buy a warm coat. Preferably one in your size…and not off the rack at a Goodwill…and maybe one that’s, oh I don’t know, pretty. And if it’s warm enough to wear a short white cotton dress and straw hat, I’m guessing it’s warm enough to lose the scarf and cowboy boots. Perhaps if you had a few ounces of body fat you wouldn’t be so cold all the time.


Does MK stand for Maniac Killer? Because that’s what you look like in that outfit. Jeez, ever heard of a manicure?

And now, for the piez de resistance (that's French for ugliest outfit in the entire known universe):

I really want to understand what this is, Maniac…er, Mary Kate. Are you channeling the Dali Lama? How spiritual of you. Now stop it. Couldn’t figure out what to wear this morning so you wrapped yourself in your bed linens? Understandable – they’re so soft and cotton really breaths, you know? But next time, MK, how ‘bout throwing on a pair of jeans and a shirt that fits and hell, maybe a scarf. Because I think I would prefer a thousand scarves to this look.

Just a suggestion.

Kisses,
Denise