Lindsay Lohan is Dead to Me...

That's it. Gloves are coming off, Lindsay Lohan.

In a recent interview set to run in the July issue of Bazaar, Lindsay was quoted saying, "I've heard that guys are intimidated by me even though I'm not an intimidating person. I'm honest and straightforward, and people aren't used to that."

First of all, there's nothing I hate more than celebrities who want to convince us that they’re all "normal" and stuff. Listen, toots. You're not normal. You’ll never be normal. Normal means not having Fendi give you free clothes, doing your own make-up, watching an entire season of Prison Break in your pajamas while consuming a greasy pizza, and not club-hopping with an Olsen twin, etc. I could go on, but I think you get my point.

Second, "honest and straightforward?" Yeah, right. Remember that whole Vanity Fair story where you said you had an eating disorder and then you said you didn’t and then you said you did drugs and then you said you didn’t and then you said that Vanity Fair totally made it up because, oh my god, your body is just changing and can't people just understand that and let you live your life? (aside: One more thing, normal people don’t write pop songs and appear on MTV singing about problems in their lives…get a clue.)

Your body is changing and you’re getting thinner? Right. Will all the ladies reading this blog please raise their hand if their body changed at 20 and suddenly they found it super easy to lose weight? You’re not raising your hand, are you? That’s because once you hit a certain age, a little thing called “metabolism” stops functioning properly. Suddenly you can’t so much as look at a piece of pizza without gaining 3 pounds and finding a new dimple on your ass.

(Yikes – let’s not get too personal here, Denise.)

Also, you’ve been hanging out with Kate Moss who, let’s face it, isn’t exactly Sister Mary McHoliness. And furthermore, you always look strung out, sort of like in this picture where I want to blot your face and comb your hair back with my saliva like mom used to do.

So what are we supposed to think, Lindsay?

"I've become like the guy in relationships," she says. "Lately I just cannot be in a monogamous relationship. But there are people I want to date.”

Oh, so you admit you’re a slut? Good. Admitting it is the first step to recovery. Next is a V.D. test and a few courses of penicillin. Good as new.

I assume that by “people I want to date” you mean more of Paris Hilton and Ashlee Simpson’s hand-me-downs. And by "date" I assume you mean "pork in the bathroom at Marquis."

Well, so it shall be, Lindsay. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. I can’t wait to read your next interview in which you deny ever talking to Bazaar.