Things I Hate…

It's Tuesday and it’s gorgeous out and I could use a few more hours sleep and a pint of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch and I'm at work so I'm cranky. CRANKY.

So if you came to this blog looking for a ray of sunshine LOG THE F OFF AND VISIT THE HALLMARK SITE. We’re all stocked up on crazy today.

Buuut, if you came looking for a little piss and vinegar, WELCOME FRIENDS!

Waiting at Los Angeles International Airport yesterday I got to do some people watching, my favorite past time next to pedicures and beer drinking. LAX is Mecca for a snarky people-watcher like myself. Bored to tears and waiting for my flight, I began to compile a list of things I don't like and I've decided to share it with you, dear readers.

I shall preface this list by saying that this is just MY personal tastes and, as you may have figured out by now, I am a weirdo so my opinion doesn't really count. I don’t want to hurt any feelings so try and remember; it's not you it's me.

1. Anklets and Toe Rings.


I am not a “foot person.” I hate feet. I think they’re icky. So words cannot express how much I hate anklets and toe rings. Even on nice, manicured feet. Unless you’re some sort of aboriginal dancer or perhaps like to hula in your spare time, please do us all a favor and don’t accentuate the ugliest part of your body. I especially hate anklets that jingle. It screams, “Look at me! I’m from Kentucky and I think Paris Hilton is the coolest and I totally bought this at K-Mart back home but doesn’t it look like it’s from Tibet or Chicago or something? It’s totally rad, right? God, I’m so friggin’ worldly! Ya’ll wanna grab lunch at the Olive Garden later?”

2. "Frankenstein Flops"

I like to call these “ankle sprains waiting to happen.” No, seriously, what is the end result we’re shooting for with these ladies? Height? Floatation devices? Trying to walk on water? Save it for Jesus and David Blaine, ladies.

3. Tevas.

Sweet Mary Mother of God. I hate these things. I HATE THEM. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen one too many German tourists wearing them with reinforced-toe socks. Maybe it’s because they’re all too popular with men whose feet haven’t seen nail clippers since before Richie Sambora became a man-whore. Whatever the reason, I hate them. ABHOR THEM. Gentlemen, you’ve been warned.

4. Nail Art.

Less is more, ladies. Less is more. What ever happened to red or pink or nude…why is it necessary to paint the Oakland Raiders mascot on your pinky? I mean, I’m a big fan of Spring too but I don’t need to paint daisies on my nails to show it.

And speaking of nails, one other thing I hate:

5. Weird Colored Nail Polish.

People, grow up. Seriously, come on now. You expect me to take you seriously when you’re waving Smurf-colored talons at me? I think not. It’s okay when you’re 13. Let’s just leave it at that.

6. Tapered Leg Pants.

Imagine an ice cream cone. Your favorite flavor. Chocolate chip, let’s say. Now imagine that ball of ice cream is your tuckus. Got it? Okay. Now imagine the bottom of the cone is your feet. See where I’m going with that? Let me put it another way. If Debbie Gibson wore it, it’s no longer cool...unless you're trying to look like a pop-up puppet:


7. Loin-Cloth Running Shorts.

I don’t care if you have a nice body. I don’t care if they’re more comfortable for running. I come dangerously close to seeing your cha-cha with every step you take and it makes me uncomfortable.

8. Belly Button Rings on Women Over 25.

I had a belly button ring when I was 18. It looked adorable hanging over my school uniform skirt. Somehow I don’t think it’d look as adorable hanging over the pants of my Ann Taylor suit. Teri Hatcher has one and exposed it on Desperate Housewives. I know Teri has a rockin’ body (although I think she’s too thin, quite frankly) but she’s in her 40s and a mother and I just don’t think it’s cool anymore. Let it go, Teri. What’s so bad about being a hot and sophisticated 40 year old? Let it go. No matter how hard you try you’re not going to be 20 years old again, no matter how many Juicy Couture sweat suits and pseudo-cool Von Dutch trucker hats you own.

There are so many more things I that I hate but this is getting long. I’ll share more tomorrow! YIPPEE!