How I've MISSED you!

Dearest BWOT fans -
I blame "the man" really. He's been keeping me down. Too much work, too much travel, too much drama has been keeping me away from my favorite past time. And I'll be honest, fair readers. I'm going on vacation tomorrow so this is the last you'll hear from me...at least for a week.

So let's do a little catch-up and see what we've missed, shall we?

Oooh, now this is special.



The National Enquirer is reporting that Britney has decided against filing divorce papers. Funny, because at the same time UsWeekly is reporting that Kevin (FEDERLINE!) thinks Britney is unfit and too young to be a mom - he expects to get full custody sometime soon. Ah, I love conflicting stories in the media. But who would have thought K-Fed would look like the "healthier" caregiver?

In other Britney news...



Yup, still a tramp.

Oh, also, Michael Lohan (LiLo's dad) is claiming that Dina (LiLo's mom) did cocaine while pregnant with LiLo. Really? Weird...wonder if it had any affects...



BUT, there is hope for our little LiLo. She's staying at Promises longer than expected. Apparently she's taking rehab "very seriously" and wants to make sure she's ready to come out. Honestly, this Promises place looks like f-ing summer camp. I've seen pictures of her boxing, bike riding, kayaking, hiking. I'd want to stay longer, too! But you know what? Good for her. GOOD FOR YOU, LiLo! You get clean! We're ready and waiting for you!

In some "who cares...well maybe a little" news, John Stamos lost his shit in Australia.



A Sydney newspaper reported John was "bleary-eyed, staggering and slurring," as well as "tired and emotional" after appearing on several TV shows in a "highly disheveled state." One interviewer said, "It was a bit like he'd perhaps come from a hotel minibar."

Apparently Uncle Jesse was likening himself to Elvis and Princess Di, saying: "Who else has died? My career after coming to Australia."

Surprise, surprise. He blamed it on jetlag. Certainly couldn't be la cocaina, no?

Hooray for boy banders! Joey Fatone is getting his own show! Okay, it's not REALLY his own but he will get to host NBC's new karaoke-themed game show. I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit that I TOTALLY want to go on it.



The show is called "The Singing Bee" and debuts July 10th.

Ugh. "The Man" calls again. More later, my friends!

I love it when adults have MySpace fights...

Shanna Mokler had this to say on her MySpace page:

HERES A TIP…When you making 8 million dollars a film…..HIRE A DRIVER!!

I’ve been getting a lot of letters asking my thoughts on recent events, so here it goes…. I know a lot of people think karma is going around and yeah I guess it might be, but to me..this is far from karma, if anything people like Paris love this shit, walking out of a court house to be met by a bevy of paparzzi like princess diana…carrying the bible around…loves it! Karma will be the day she’s married and has kids and her husband goes and fucks a 22 yr old and knocks her up. I don’t find happiness in others when they are down, but I sure in hell don’t feel bad for people who play the victim constantly and are far from it. People who feel it’s their job to make people feel beneath them or take opportunities others would die for an shit on them and frankly make a mockery of. So as the penis posse goes down one by one and enters jail or rehab…I don’t really think anything of it…they just show me what I always knew and thought they were _________. ( you can fill in the blank)

And, of course, LiLo responded on her MySpace page with this:

im going to keep this simple and brief, like her career.

for someone who “doesn’t really think anything of it” sure had a mouth load to say. don’t blame “young hollywood” for your FUCKED UP relationships you old haggard. maybe if you fixed yourself up a little bit, you wouldnt be so jealous of others. you know, a nice face/breast lift, lost a couple pounds (40), got rid of the paris haircut, and found yourself a decent looking boytoy you wouldn’t be so depressed and feel the need to comment on other peoples lifes that you dont know.

p.s. your kids are ugly.

Seriously, get a freakin' life. Both of you.

Nicole Richie...

Listen, I really wished that I lost my appetite when I'm depressed. But I don't. Instead I single handedly cause a spike in sales for the Papa John's and Cheese-It people. So although there's a part of me that's jealous of those women who lose 10 pounds after breaking up with a boyfriend, I am NOT jealous of this look.

For the love of God.

PUT ON SOME SHOES AND EAT A FRIGGIN' CHEESEBURGER.

Again, Photobucket is revolting. Click here to see the photos.

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

My stars! It's Lindsay Lohan!

No. Can't be. Not MY LiLo. I just won't believe it.

Ha.

Yes, it's true. After slamming her Mercedes into a palm tree, leaving the scene of the accident and being arrested at the hospital on Friday for DUI and possession of cocaine (found in her car...very discreet, Lilo...just one of the things I like about you) Lindsay did what any smart cookie would do. She went to a party! Hooray!

They she stumbled out of Teddy's with a trail of "friends" (read: hangers on) trying to help her to her feet, got into her friend's car and proceeded to pass out.

And there are pictures all over the internet. And I would post them here except that PhotoBucket is conspiring against me and I can't. (click here to see them on I Don't Like You In That Way)

Long story short, LiLo has checked herself into Promises rehab center in Malibu. And as you know, Promises worked MIRACLES on Britney Spears so I'm feeling pretty good about what it'll do for Linds.

Oh, but sadly her 21st b-day party sponsor, Svedka vodka, has pulled out. Seems they don't want to be affiliated with underage drinking, illicit drugs, wreckless and drunk driving, public shenanigans, blatant disrespect for the law, etc. Go figure.

Well THAT'S awkward...

Pam Anderson's kids really wanted to see Borat. Those of you who've seen Borat know that the Tommy/Pammy sex tape and and Pam's Playboy posing are central to the plot (does Borat have a plot?) of the movie.

So how do you explain that to your kids? (kids who probably shouldn't be watching Borat anyway because they're too young) If you're Pammy you do it like this:

“They really wanted to see Borat and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had. I said, ‘There are a few things we have to talk about before you see Borat.’ And they go: ‘We know about the magazines.’ So that was one gone! “I kind of went ‘la la la la la la la’ over the parts I didn’t want them to hear. Actually, I did tell them, I said: ‘You know, when your dad and I were first together we used to video tape everything. Everybody’s naked, hugging, kissing, all that good stuff and someone stole the tape. And I remember when we were watching the film and Dylan goes: ‘You mean everybody has seen this?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’”

LiLo is classing it up again...

Lindsay Lohan was booted from the SoHo Grand hotel in Manhattan for "allegedly" pitching a fit because her "boyfriend" Calum "Best" was there with "another woman."

Surprise, surprise, according to Star magazine, LiLo went out partying until 1:30 in the morning and then came back and collapsed in the lobby...pantiless, of course...where she proceeded to writh around in front of her bodyguard and her "friend." The hotel manager had to carry her to her room.

Oh, but that's not all! Later that evening/morning LiLo kept calling Calum's room and getting no answer. So of COURSE, she went to bang on the door - he opened it but was clear "busy" with his "other woman" and slammed the door in LiLo's face.

“She went cuckoo,” says Star's source. “She yelled at him, slammed the door and banged on it some more.”

After a few more "Lohan moments" LiLo was asked to leave the hotel...which she did at 6 a.m.

Oh, and P.S., she's recording another album. So um, that's great.

If I had a nickel...

Paula Abdul "tripped over her Chihuahua" and broke her nose. And by "tripped over her Chihuahua" I of course mean that she was sh*t-faced drunk and fell while trying to remove her control-top pantyhose.

It's okay, Paula. Happens to the best of us.

Oh heeeeeeeeell no...

Good lord god. Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher are splitting from their respective spouses and planning to reunite in reality series.

Who thought this was a good idea? Um, she shot his ex-wife IN THE FACE. THE FACE.

According to the New York Post, "The reunion is to be filmed by TV producer David Krieff as Buttafuoco and Fisher meet in a Central Park restaurant for a hopefully romantic candlelight dinner. Krieff hopes to make the reunion into a reality show, and says Joey is 'very happy' about the reunion. Says Buttafuoco, 'I still have feelings for her. I can't wait to have dinner with her. I can't wait to be with her. I can't wait to touch her.'

IN THE FACE, BUTTAFUOCO. SHE SHOT HER IN THE FACE. Can't you just join Match.com or your church's singles group? Or start hanging out in bars? Amy Fisher? Really?

IN THE FACE!

K-Fed at the Kentucky Derby...

Oh, K-Fed. You so classy. All attending the Kentucky Derby and stuff...so elegant.

Downtown at the Stereo party, Kevin Federline was not amused when organizers brought him to a table in the VIP area he deemed was too small and said, “Yo, I need a bigger table - I got six bitches with me.”

After DJ AM finished his set, Federline hi-jacked the microphone from Kid Rock. K-Fed gave “shout-outs” to hot girls in the crowd and screamed, “I got four kids already - which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?”

Yes, me! Pick me! Oh PLEASE pick me!

Busted...

Oh, LiLo...



What are you doing, homegirl?

Just say no.

Apparently the same inner circle weasel who released this footage had some color commentary to add:

"When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out."

"She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco. She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month. The last time was on April 15 after another house party. I think they went back to a hotel together afterwards. She is very protective over him and when she heard I had met him she sent me a text saying, ‘Stay away from him Bitch, he is mine.'"

I, for one, have lost respect for Benicio Del Toro. All the other man-whores on the list...well, let's just say I'm not impressed but didn't expect much from you to begin with.

No, seriously?

British newspaper The Sun reports police found Doherty in possession of crack cocaine and cannabis. After spending the night in police custody, Doherty was released on bail on Sunday (06May07). The arrest comes just three weeks after Doherty appeared in Thames Magistrates’ Court in east London, where Judge Jane MCIvor praised the singer for his determination to beat his drug habit.

Why do we even care anymore? He's gross.

Celebitchy has a lovely recap for all you kids keep score at home. Click here.

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

Oh god this one hurts.



It hurts so bad.

His official statement:

“I made an error in judgment. We all make mistakes, however this is about accountability. Under no circumstances should anyone consume alcohol while driving. I could have jeopardized the lives of others and I am grateful there was no accident or harm done to anyone. This was my wake-up call. I also want to apologize to my fans, ABC Television and my design team for my lapse in judgment and the embarrassment I have caused.”