An open letter to Britney Spears...

Dear Britney,
There you go again. Dropping the baby.

Have you considered investing in that sticky stuff football players use to help them catch the ball? Look into it, Brit. It’s definitely cheaper than the legal fees that must be adding up by now.

I don’t mean to sound judgmental. Maybe you just don’t have anyone to teach you how to be a mom. I mean, let’s face it. That plastic, uppercrust redneck mom of yours clearly knows nothing about raising kids. I like to think that if she did, you wouldn’t have turned out…well, you know what I’m saying, girl. (Nothing but love for you, sister. Nothing but love.)

Again, I’m all about solutions so here are my top 5 rules for baby care. Admittedly I’m no expert. I don’t have any children. But I like children, and children like me and, well, it’s my blog and I can write whatever I want to okay? SO BACK OFF. DO I CRITICIZE YOU WHEN YOU SING STUPID SONGS LIKE “NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN?” NO, I DON’T. SO STUFF IT.

Ahem…where was I? Oh yes…rules for baby care:

1. Babies shouldn’t do headstands until they’re like, oh I don’t know, 10 or so. It’s best if you keep them seated properly instead of dropping them on their heads. You can always teach them how to handstand or do the breakdance “helicopter” when they’re a bit older.
2. Babies shouldn’t drink alcohol so make sure you and Kevin keep the Boons, Wild Turkey, wine coolers and moonshine tucked away somewhere. Maybe in your hope chest where you keep all your other valuables. (Don’t play dumb with me, Britney. I saw what you were holding in the other hand before you almost dropped Sean Preston AGAIN.)

3. Babies have sensitive ears that should not be exposed to loud or shrill noises. (read: tell Kevin he can’t play his music in the house and has to rehearse elsewhere…like say, Taipei – I hear it’s lovely this time of year.)
4. For optimal development, babies should not be exposed to hazardous conditions of any kind. Noxious smells, frightening images, loud sounds, overall filth, etc. In essence:

5. Last but not least, children are like sponges. They pick up on everything, want to copy everything, etc. Perhaps you should look into hiring someone to raise your child. After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and, let’s face it, you two aren’t exactly “blooming.”

Lots of love,
Denise