I've had enough Pie...

One time I bought a package of Cheese-Its snack-packs. It contained 8 individual, snack-size bags of crunchy, cheesy goodness. I opened the bag and ate one snack-pack. I enjoyed it so. I thought, “Perhaps I’ll just have one more snack-pack. After all, the first one was so tasty!”

So I did. Again and again. Until I’d eaten all 8 snack-packs and had nothing to show for it but a really bad stomach ache and no bowel movement for 3 days.

And that’s why they need to stop making American Pie movies. (how’s THAT for a smooth transition)



The fifth installment in this idiotic series - “American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile" - began principal photography June 5 in Toronto. No release date has been set.

Viewers will follow Erik Stifler - who I will assume is Stifler’s younger brother, though at this point it could be his bastard son for all I know – as he strives to lose his virginity before graduating from high school. Hmm…I believe I saw this movie when it was called…wait, what was it again? Oh yes. AMERICAN PIE.

To me one of the saddest parts of this story is that Eugene Levy keeps showing up in these movies. I mean, COME ON. Even Tara Reid had enough sense to get out after the first one.

It’s clear to me that Eugene Levy has sunk into deep depression, most likely a result of the flop of his movie “The Man,” also starring Samuel L. Jackson…with hair…me no likey. Under-medicated depression is the only reason that can explain why Levy insists on continuing to make these sophomoric comedies.

The fact that the fourth installment - "American Pie Presents: Band Camp" – went straight to DVD and sold more than two million copies tells me that a lot of people will disagree with my dislike of these movies.

But honestly, we get it. Teenage guys think about sex a lot. And they masturbate. A lot. And they want to get laid but have no idea how. And everyone gets some action at band camp. I GET IT. Must we rehash? It’s getting old. Move on.