VMAs Fashion: The Best, The Worst...

First, the best. (because, let's face it - The Worst is so much more fun)

KELIS.



I think she looks adorable. Young, fresh, classy and sexy...and this is ironic for a woman who sings a song about her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard.

...and now I'm done with The Best. I mean, there were a lot of others who looked great - Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, The Pussycat Dolls (all of 'em), Jessica Simpson who proves you can't go wrong with a little black dress and pretty hair.




But forget them. Let's get to the good stuff. The Worst.

SARAH SILVERMAN.



I realize, of course, that Sarah Silverman is a comedian whose very life work is to make people laugh. But I'm going assume that she wants people laughing WITH HER, not AT HER. I learned the difference between WITH and AT the time I gave myself a perfectly round hickey on my forehead by sticking a suction-cup-backed basketball hoop to it repeatedly. There was no WITH. There was only AT. And this horrible plum painter's smock paired with black pantyhose (gasp!) and the ugliest shoes Payless carries is just wrong on multiple levels. It's not funny, Sarah. Not funny at all.

RIHANNA.



I thought they cancelled Ice Skating with the Stars?

PETRA NEMCOVA.



Clearly Petra was getting ready to accompany her boyfriend, James Blunt, to the VMAs and, on her way out the door she realized she'd forgotten to accessorize. So she grabbed her favorite gold necklace and dashed out the door. But in her rush, she tried to put the necklace on over her head instead of undoing the clasp and - and I totally saw this coming - it got stuck. But hell, she's a mother f-ing Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model, right? She can rock anything, right? Wrong.

PARIS HILTON.



Okay, here's thing. I may or may not be newly employed by a company that has a...er, relationship with Paris so I have to curb my venomous spewing when it comes to her. But I will not be completely censored...I hate this ensemble and to me it resembles the infamous Bjork swan dress all too closely.

Okay, enough said. Moving on.

JENNIFER LOPEZ.



I'm not sure why Jen thought Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard was a good fashion role model, but apparently she did. I have a sneaking suspicion she didn't have time to wash her hair this morning and this is the "fancier" alternative to a baseball cap and ponytail. But, ay chihuahua, check out the size of those diamond earrings!

FERGIE.



Okay, here's the thing. I feel morally obligated to put this on The Worst list but, I have to tell you that's only because I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I wish I could rock this kind of outfit and still be cool.

BROOKE HOGAN.



I am so skeeved out by this picture. For a variety of reasons. First and foremost because it looks like she stole that dress from a glass-enclosed Flintstones display at Planet Hollywood. Second, I'm not sure how I feel about her standing there with her father while dressed like a $2 hooker. Third, I hate chipped red nail polish. I HATE IT. You're going to a g-damn awards show - freakin' spend the $30 and get yourself a g-damn manicure. UGH. Drives me insane. Fourth, I think I can see her uterus in that dress. Did part of it get ripped off in the limo door? Fifth, She's like 16 for God's sake! Not cool, Hulk. Not cool.

Whew! Okay, that was fun! Oh, a couple more things I want to comment on. I'm going to petition...um, petition someone to make bling acceptable for non-rap stars to wear. 'Cause quite frankly, I think that bejeweled shot glass could come in very handy for me.