I love it when adults have MySpace fights...

Shanna Mokler had this to say on her MySpace page:

HERES A TIP…When you making 8 million dollars a film…..HIRE A DRIVER!!

I’ve been getting a lot of letters asking my thoughts on recent events, so here it goes…. I know a lot of people think karma is going around and yeah I guess it might be, but to me..this is far from karma, if anything people like Paris love this shit, walking out of a court house to be met by a bevy of paparzzi like princess diana…carrying the bible around…loves it! Karma will be the day she’s married and has kids and her husband goes and fucks a 22 yr old and knocks her up. I don’t find happiness in others when they are down, but I sure in hell don’t feel bad for people who play the victim constantly and are far from it. People who feel it’s their job to make people feel beneath them or take opportunities others would die for an shit on them and frankly make a mockery of. So as the penis posse goes down one by one and enters jail or rehab…I don’t really think anything of it…they just show me what I always knew and thought they were _________. ( you can fill in the blank)

And, of course, LiLo responded on her MySpace page with this:

im going to keep this simple and brief, like her career.

for someone who “doesn’t really think anything of it” sure had a mouth load to say. don’t blame “young hollywood” for your FUCKED UP relationships you old haggard. maybe if you fixed yourself up a little bit, you wouldnt be so jealous of others. you know, a nice face/breast lift, lost a couple pounds (40), got rid of the paris haircut, and found yourself a decent looking boytoy you wouldn’t be so depressed and feel the need to comment on other peoples lifes that you dont know.

p.s. your kids are ugly.

Seriously, get a freakin' life. Both of you.

Nicole Richie...

Listen, I really wished that I lost my appetite when I'm depressed. But I don't. Instead I single handedly cause a spike in sales for the Papa John's and Cheese-It people. So although there's a part of me that's jealous of those women who lose 10 pounds after breaking up with a boyfriend, I am NOT jealous of this look.

For the love of God.

PUT ON SOME SHOES AND EAT A FRIGGIN' CHEESEBURGER.

Again, Photobucket is revolting. Click here to see the photos.

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

My stars! It's Lindsay Lohan!

No. Can't be. Not MY LiLo. I just won't believe it.

Ha.

Yes, it's true. After slamming her Mercedes into a palm tree, leaving the scene of the accident and being arrested at the hospital on Friday for DUI and possession of cocaine (found in her car...very discreet, Lilo...just one of the things I like about you) Lindsay did what any smart cookie would do. She went to a party! Hooray!

They she stumbled out of Teddy's with a trail of "friends" (read: hangers on) trying to help her to her feet, got into her friend's car and proceeded to pass out.

And there are pictures all over the internet. And I would post them here except that PhotoBucket is conspiring against me and I can't. (click here to see them on I Don't Like You In That Way)

Long story short, LiLo has checked herself into Promises rehab center in Malibu. And as you know, Promises worked MIRACLES on Britney Spears so I'm feeling pretty good about what it'll do for Linds.

Oh, but sadly her 21st b-day party sponsor, Svedka vodka, has pulled out. Seems they don't want to be affiliated with underage drinking, illicit drugs, wreckless and drunk driving, public shenanigans, blatant disrespect for the law, etc. Go figure.

Well THAT'S awkward...

Pam Anderson's kids really wanted to see Borat. Those of you who've seen Borat know that the Tommy/Pammy sex tape and and Pam's Playboy posing are central to the plot (does Borat have a plot?) of the movie.

So how do you explain that to your kids? (kids who probably shouldn't be watching Borat anyway because they're too young) If you're Pammy you do it like this:

“They really wanted to see Borat and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had. I said, ‘There are a few things we have to talk about before you see Borat.’ And they go: ‘We know about the magazines.’ So that was one gone! “I kind of went ‘la la la la la la la’ over the parts I didn’t want them to hear. Actually, I did tell them, I said: ‘You know, when your dad and I were first together we used to video tape everything. Everybody’s naked, hugging, kissing, all that good stuff and someone stole the tape. And I remember when we were watching the film and Dylan goes: ‘You mean everybody has seen this?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’”

LiLo is classing it up again...

Lindsay Lohan was booted from the SoHo Grand hotel in Manhattan for "allegedly" pitching a fit because her "boyfriend" Calum "Best" was there with "another woman."

Surprise, surprise, according to Star magazine, LiLo went out partying until 1:30 in the morning and then came back and collapsed in the lobby...pantiless, of course...where she proceeded to writh around in front of her bodyguard and her "friend." The hotel manager had to carry her to her room.

Oh, but that's not all! Later that evening/morning LiLo kept calling Calum's room and getting no answer. So of COURSE, she went to bang on the door - he opened it but was clear "busy" with his "other woman" and slammed the door in LiLo's face.

“She went cuckoo,” says Star's source. “She yelled at him, slammed the door and banged on it some more.”

After a few more "Lohan moments" LiLo was asked to leave the hotel...which she did at 6 a.m.

Oh, and P.S., she's recording another album. So um, that's great.

If I had a nickel...

Paula Abdul "tripped over her Chihuahua" and broke her nose. And by "tripped over her Chihuahua" I of course mean that she was sh*t-faced drunk and fell while trying to remove her control-top pantyhose.

It's okay, Paula. Happens to the best of us.

Oh heeeeeeeeell no...

Good lord god. Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher are splitting from their respective spouses and planning to reunite in reality series.

Who thought this was a good idea? Um, she shot his ex-wife IN THE FACE. THE FACE.

According to the New York Post, "The reunion is to be filmed by TV producer David Krieff as Buttafuoco and Fisher meet in a Central Park restaurant for a hopefully romantic candlelight dinner. Krieff hopes to make the reunion into a reality show, and says Joey is 'very happy' about the reunion. Says Buttafuoco, 'I still have feelings for her. I can't wait to have dinner with her. I can't wait to be with her. I can't wait to touch her.'

IN THE FACE, BUTTAFUOCO. SHE SHOT HER IN THE FACE. Can't you just join Match.com or your church's singles group? Or start hanging out in bars? Amy Fisher? Really?

IN THE FACE!

K-Fed at the Kentucky Derby...

Oh, K-Fed. You so classy. All attending the Kentucky Derby and stuff...so elegant.

Downtown at the Stereo party, Kevin Federline was not amused when organizers brought him to a table in the VIP area he deemed was too small and said, “Yo, I need a bigger table - I got six bitches with me.”

After DJ AM finished his set, Federline hi-jacked the microphone from Kid Rock. K-Fed gave “shout-outs” to hot girls in the crowd and screamed, “I got four kids already - which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?”

Yes, me! Pick me! Oh PLEASE pick me!

Busted...

Oh, LiLo...



What are you doing, homegirl?

Just say no.

Apparently the same inner circle weasel who released this footage had some color commentary to add:

"When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out."

"She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco. She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month. The last time was on April 15 after another house party. I think they went back to a hotel together afterwards. She is very protective over him and when she heard I had met him she sent me a text saying, ‘Stay away from him Bitch, he is mine.'"

I, for one, have lost respect for Benicio Del Toro. All the other man-whores on the list...well, let's just say I'm not impressed but didn't expect much from you to begin with.

No, seriously?

British newspaper The Sun reports police found Doherty in possession of crack cocaine and cannabis. After spending the night in police custody, Doherty was released on bail on Sunday (06May07). The arrest comes just three weeks after Doherty appeared in Thames Magistrates’ Court in east London, where Judge Jane MCIvor praised the singer for his determination to beat his drug habit.

Why do we even care anymore? He's gross.

Celebitchy has a lovely recap for all you kids keep score at home. Click here.

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

Oh god this one hurts.



It hurts so bad.

His official statement:

“I made an error in judgment. We all make mistakes, however this is about accountability. Under no circumstances should anyone consume alcohol while driving. I could have jeopardized the lives of others and I am grateful there was no accident or harm done to anyone. This was my wake-up call. I also want to apologize to my fans, ABC Television and my design team for my lapse in judgment and the embarrassment I have caused.”

4 Months?!? That's it!?

Jennifer Esposito and hubby Bradley Cooper are calling it quits after FOUR months of marriage. First of all, I want to have his love child. But that's only because I would want to trap him and force him into marrying me. And once we were married, you can bet your ass I wouldn't let him go.

So what gives, J.Esp? Talk to me!

Celebrity DUI of the Week!

According to MTV News:

Busta Rhymes' ongoing driving issues continued early Thursday morning (May 3) when police in New York pulled him over just after midnight and arrested him for driving while impaired.

The rapper, whose real name is Trevor Smith, added to his string of driving-related arrests and issues with the New York Police Department when cops flagged him down at 12:48 a.m. Thursday after officers observed his 2006 GMC Yukon Denali driving down the street with what they said were excessively tinted windows.

According to NYPD spokesperson Detective John Sweeney, when officers approached Rhymes' car, he was found to have a "strong odor of alcohol on his breath" and when they asked him to present his paperwork, "he dropped his wallet to the ground" while showing it to the officers.

Does he kiss his mother with that mouth?

From the New York Daily News:

Looks like Ricky Martin wants to add “bad boy” to his resume. The singer shocked the crowd at his Mohegan Sun Arena concert Saturday night with sexy video clips showing him in the buff, his private parts barely concealed. He later dropped the f-bomb a couple of times during his onstage patter. And he’d always seemed like such a nice boy.

Ay chihuahua! Where do I get tickets??

Pictures from Britney's "Come Back"...

A Socialite's Life has some photos from Britney's "come back" performance at the House of Blues in San Diego.

The entire performance was 15 minutes and fans accused Brit of lipsynching the entire time.

Here are the photos!

The View just got worse...

The New York Post has been reporting that Rosanne Barr is being considered as a possible replacement for Rosie O'Donnell who announced that she's leaving The View at the end of the season.

"I would love the chance to do that," Barr told KVVU-TV in Las Vegas on Monday. "I'd love it. Yeah, definitely. I think I would do a real good job."

Sweet Jesus...I didn't think they could make The View more annoying than it is now. But I was clearly wrong. All they're missing is a special guest spot by Gilbert Godfrey.

It's all fun and games until someone gets locked up...

Rumor has it Katie Holmes has been flirting with her "Mad Money" co-star, Adam Rothenberg on the movie set. According to Life & Style:

"There's definitely been some off-camera flirting," the insider told the magazine, however. "One day, Katie was touching Adam's arm while they were talking, like girls do when they like somebody."

Girl, do NOT F around...Tom WILL find out and he WILL lock your ass up. Seriously. I'm scared for you. I'm sure the Scientologists have a place for harlots like you. Harlots who touch other men when they talk. AND TOM WILL FIND THAT PLACE, KATIE.

Run. Run far and away.

Dumb quote of the week!

“The thing about the press and why they need to leave me the [bleep] alone for a little bit is because I don’t want that distraction from my work. I want to get a nomination. I want to win an Oscar. I want to be known for more than, like, going out. For being ‘the party girl.’ I hate that. I bust my [bleep] when I’m filming, and when I gave time off, yeah, I like to go out and dance.”

Perhaps if you stopped appearing all around town without pants and looking like the above photograph it would help.

Just a suggestion.

Tramp.

Monday night TV musings...

There's a Mastercard commercial with a zookeeper and his elephant. The zookeeper has a cold, the elephant gets him soup and a blanket, and I'm weeping like a whore in church. (Yes, I know that's not the exact phrase...work with me, people will ya?)



I would also like to address the fact that the women on The Bachelor are slut puppies. I don't watch the show but caught a commercial preview in which the dialogue went something like this:

"I'm not afraid of drowning. I'll just have to give you mouth-to-mouth." (Followed by excessive tongue)

Vomit.

How are you going to give him mouth-to-mouth if you've drowned? Seriously? Stop it. Whore.



Also, I'd like to say that I love Steve Sanders...er, I mean Ian Ziering. (Pronounced "EYE-ING"...FYI) He looks hot. All fit and trim and samba dancing. The boy's got moves.

Know who still doesn't? Billy Ray Cyrus.



Gross.

He's about as graceful as my Aunt Kitty...and let me just tell you, Kitty is good at a lot of things but dancing ain't one of them. Her dancing somewhat resembles that of a seizure victim. And I'm fairly certain Billy Ray's dancing could actually CAUSE seizures. So there's that.

Oh, and Billy Ray? The word is "mediocrity" not "mediocracy." Hick.



You have to watch Notes From the Underbelly. Hysterical. And it probably won't last to hop on that train while it still has a station. (Like how I did that? Train? Station? Get it? Hee! Okay, I'll go back to my rice cakes and popsicles...don't judge me.)



Hmmm...what else? No, that about covers it.

Thanks for reading.