Post-Britney Interview Wrap-Up...

Okay. I have to go there. You know that I do.

I watched the Dateline interview with Britney Spears. And I felt for her. I really, genuinely did. She cried, and I hate to see people cry. I want to tell them inappropriate jokes and threaten to beat people up until they smile again. But I get it. The tabloids totally stalk her 24-7. People all over the world are rooting for the demise of her marriage. They make fun of her weight, her husband (guilty) and her career. Now I feel bad for being all Judgie McJudgerson about her.

However, (you knew this was coming, didn’t you?) I cannot approve of several things.

First, the outfit. Here it is again in case you missed it:

Holy crap, woman. Get a stylist. You’re worth $100 million. You can afford it. Or if you have a stylist, shoot her and put the both of you out of your cheaply-dressed misery.

And where are her handlers? Her friends? Her mom? Kevin, for God's sake? Her bra was hanging out of her top and she never fixed it. Her hair was stringy and frizzy and no one combed it. If I'd been there I'd have stopped the cameras and fixed her up a bit, wouldn't you? Handed her a tissue as she was sobbing? Anything?

I spent half of the interview waiting for her ta-tas to bust out her shirt that was clearly made from the material they use to wrap bouquets of flowers at the Stop-N-Shop in White Plains. Put the girls away. No one needs to see your mammary glands right now.

I spent the other half of the interview wondering how many times she gave Matt Lauer a “Basic Instinct” in that belt-sized skirt. Add to that the fact that she looked as though she’d just knocked off a Claire’s Boutique and was wearing every piece of costume jewelry she’d stolen. Oh, and ugly shoes. Okay, I’m done. At least with the outfit.

Next I’d like to discuss the gum chewing. CLOSE YOUR FREAKIN’ MOUTH, YOU COW. (Before you jump down my throat, this isn’t a fat comment – it’s a reference to cows chewing cud so back off.) I realize you’re self-professed “country” but you must realize how annoying that is.

Also, I’m pretty sure she’s doing her own make-up, which is a bad idea unless she’s trying to look like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. (That’s a movie and musical for those of you who are lacking in the culture department.) Brit, if you’re reading this send me your address. I’ve got a case of VO5 Hot Oil treatment with your name on it.

They filmed the interview in her house and I’ve gotta tell you, I thought I was looking at a room at an AmeriSuites off of I-95.

Oh, and then Matt asked her how she felt about people calling her a redneck and she’s all “I’m proud of it!” Until he said “But they don’t mean it in a positive way.” Suddenly she found it “cruel” and “mean.”

AND, Matt asked her how far along she is. Her answer? “Hmm…I don’t know. 6 to 7 months, I guess.” What?! Come ON. I have a pregnant sister and several pregnant friends and they can all tell me the exact weeks and days (some can add hours). What’s up with that? Where’s your head at, lady?

Last, I’m no body language expert but every time Matt asked her about her marriage she’d either close her eyes or look away. Whatever, I’m not going to judge. It’s a new resolution – no more judging (for tonight). I’ll let you come to your own conclusions. NO MORE JUDGING…

…except to say that I want Matt Lauer to wear socks next time. Thanks.