I take back my praises...sort of.

A few weeks ago I commented on how, although she's not my favorite actress, I think Jennifer Love Hewitt is a lovely, prudent young lady who is almost always dressed appropriately.

And then I saw this:



And the thing is, she doesn't even look comfortable in it which tells me some publicist and/or stylist told her she needs to sex-up her image and then sent her this dress made entirely of neon safety rubber.

And although anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm all about safety first, I would prefer that Jennifer next time selects a dress that's not one stiff wind away from exposing her baby factory. Do it for the children, Jen.

Tara Watch 2007

I'm officially lowering Tara's status to Yellow Alert. She's holding it together. Looking good. No drunk photos circulating this week.



Okay maybe I'll give her a yellow/orange alert. Just to be safe.

What have we done to deserve this?

For the love of God and everything holy, why? Put the ta-tas back into those curtains you call a dress. (I'm reminded of a juvenile "do the curtains match the drapes" joke...do with it what you will)

Is that taffeta? Shiny floral taffeta? What is this world coming to? Why is Courtney Love wearing shiny floral taffeta?

Eek! It gets worse!



It's BUSTLED shiny floral taffeta! Where did she find this hideous...this hideous...I don't even know what to call it? Surely not "a dress?" It's a bustled shiny floral taffeta "dress" version of something you'd have purchased in the bath & shower section of Laura Ashley circa 1983.

The truly weird thing is how big the "dress" looks on her and yet the photo is practically R-rated. Keep those sweater puppies in check, C-Love! We'll have none of that!

Not Izzie!

FadedYouth is reporting that Katherine Heigl might be leaving Grey's Anatomy over a salary dispute:

'Katie is disappointed and hurt that (producer) Touchstone doesn't value her as much as her other costars, especially Sandra Oh and Isaiah Washington," the source says.'

I'm guessing she's pissed that a jackass bigot like Isaiah Washington is (a) still on the show and (b) probably getting paid a crapload while she is getting paid a fraction of what he makes.

I would be SO SAD if Izzie left. I love her character. Plus, from everything I've heard, Katherine Heigl is a very cool, down-to-earth girl.

...and now I'm going to stop talking about these people as if I know them personally.

Um...

I've got nothing.

Get some pants, will ya?

Once you get past the initial "why do they always look pissed off?" and "what the hell is MK wearing?" reactions, the following two photos of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen leaving their hotel in Paris begs the question, "Who made it okay to wear tights as pants?"

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are sexy:
1. Nice-fitting jeans.
2. Good hair.
3. French accents.
4. My future ex-husband, Jake Gyllenhal.
5. George Clooney. (growl)

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. Dressing like an escaped mental patient or my grandmother.



First and foremost, I think we can all agree that the shoes are hideous. They're purple, pointed toe, lace up, pimp shoes. And unless your name is Freddie Boom Boom Washington, I don't think those shoes are meant for you. But as if that weren't bad enough - and to be fair, it could be the poor photo quality - but I'm fairly certain she's wearing some form of a pantaloon.

Pantaloons are not okay. They're not okay on Nelly Furtado so they're not okay on us "normal" people.

And furthermore, color blindness is no excuse for poor matching. I'm not one to make fun of the disabled, but the neon green straw bag paired with the army green coat...well, it's just not good. Not good at all. I'd also like to comment on the hat which, while functional, is far too reminicent of Dumb Donald from Fat Albert.



All in all the entire outfit screams "I got dressed in the dark...with one hand tied behind my back...after suffering a massive head injury."

I would rather gouge my eyes out...

According to EntertainmentWise, Naomi Campbell is set to star in her own MTV reality show in which she recruits a new assistant. Perhaps you'll recall that the last six assistants to the former supermodel quit because she was so abusive. Two even sued her for physical assault.

This might sound really naive but it never ceases to amaze me the lengths people will go to to get on TV. What kind of media whores are going to audition for this job? I mean SERIOUSLY! And the sad thing is, if Naomi was a man who physically abused his assistants this wouldn't be something to laugh and make a reality show about!

I'm confused. My head hurts just thinking about it. I need a nap.

Bitter, party of one?

Eddie Murphy is a jackstick. When he lost Best Supporting Actor to Alan Arkin he reportedly left the Oscars but not before telling Us Magazine reporters, “It’s fine. It happens. It’s OK.”

He left. He didn't see the Dreamgirls performance by his costars. He didn't see Jennifer Hudson win her award. He just left.

And here's the thing, I understand being disappointed, sure. But you're EDDIE MURPHY. The fact that you're even nominated is some sort of bizarre fluke. I mean, you have a movie out right now called Norbit in which you play a 400 pound woman. Seriously? You NEED to get over yourself. This is truly one of the situations where it's an honor just to be nominated.

Lap it up, Murphy. 'Cause I'm guessing this is the last time you get anywhere near Oscar gold.

Things that are not fair...

1. Global warming.
2. Genocide in Darfur.
3. War in general.
4. The fact that Hilary Duff, who is like 12 years old, gets to make purchases at Louis Vuitton that are SO LARGE her mother needs to help her carry them. But more importantly, it's the fact that I don't get to do this. That's the "not fair" part.

Now that ain't right...

I'm well aware of the current news about Britney Spears. I've seen the pictures of her going nuts outside K-Fed's house. I've seen the pictures of her in rehab. And I choose not to post them here because, quite frankly, I think the whole situation is very sad and I don't want to capitalize on what is clearly a breakdown of some sort.

I guess others don't feel quite the same. Here's what you can get on eBay for about $80:



Now that ain't right.

A Letter to the Editor from Lindsay Lohan...

Dear Editors,
Suck it. Yeah, you heard me. SUCK IT.

I'm lookin' damn good now, huh? I mean, check me out all smug and sh*t at a post-Oscar party...with all my hair. Ha! Oooh, snap! That was good! (You got that, right? That was funny, right?)

Whatever, beeyatch. You're all just jealous because I'm f-ing Mother Theresa compared to those skanks I used to roll with. (call me, Paris!) I mean, whatever. Not that you could ever compare me to those dirty pirate hookers. I'm not some adequite hack like those hoes. House of Wax? Puhlease. Crossroads? More like Promises, crazy ass bitch.

This is all their fault, by the way. I totally was trying to help but Paris was all, "Get away from us you scab, we don't want you anywhere near us." And at first, I totally thought she was just reenacting a scene from Mean Girls which I find a lot of people like to do around me. So I'm all, "He's almost too gay to function." And she's all, "Are you high? I don't even know what you're talking about. I'm calling security." And I'm all, "Okay! Call me later!" And she threw a can of Red Bull at me. But whatev, that's just crazy Paris. She's my best friend, you know.

Plus, and like, I feel really bad even saying this 'cause Lord knows my momma taught me never to kick a bitch while she's down, but like, Britney's kind of fat. I mean, not like Tyra Banks fat, but like Mandy Moore fat. So like, of course she's going mental. That's what fat people do. And that makes me sad because I, Lindsay Lohan, am a humanitarian. I care about people and the environment and James Franco and Alcoholics and stuff.

And um, well that's all I wanted to say. I'm late for a meeting. Nah, it's not important. Maybe mom and I will skip it and go get matching tattoos or nipple piercings. Sweet...now that would rock.

TTFN!

Love,
LiLo

Little Diddy b-day party...

So imagine you're Diddy, arguably one of the most successful men in the music industry. It's your 12 year old son's birthday - Justin, the one you named your restaurant after. You want to make sure that he's not feeling left out with all the attention beind paid to his new, twin baby sisters. So, what do you get him? What does every 12 year old need?



A lap dance from some Skanky McSkankerson who I'm fairly certain might be capable of transfering V.D. through her jeans.

Happy birthday, Justin Combs!

UPDATE COURTESY OF RHYMES WITH SNITCH:

Diddy's ex, Misa (Justin's mother) told a NY radio station this morning that the lapdance happened at a teen party in New Jersey. Neither Diddy nor Misa were there and do not condone the behavior at all. The security team that was with Justin that night has been fired because of their negligence. "It's so crazy. These teens think that it's nothing, like it's dancing. But this is big problem for Justin. Real big. I dont play that at all!"

Phew! Okay, there is SOME decency in the world!

Rose McGOUCHan...

No, seriously? What is happening to Rose McGowan?

Here she is at the Oscars. From a distance she's not looking TOO bad, just a little sleepy and drugged out:



And then you get a closer look:



She looks like a mental patient who escaped from the asylum during arts & craft time by jumping out the window with only a white sheet and a BeDazzler. What's with her eyes? Where are her eyebrows? Are those micro bangs? So many questions! But even more once you get a wee bit closer:



Is that a Band-Aid under her eye? Does she have a black eye? Is it covering plastic surgery stiches? Is that a silent tribute to Nelly?



I have so many questions I want answers to. And yet, I fear I will get none.

Props to my homegirl...

Will you look at Tina Turner? Lookin' all fierce and age appropriate and sassy?



Someone needs to give her a talk show or something.

Oscar joy...

Well, well, well! What have we here? Bai Ling at a post-Oscars party? No nipple? No visible lady bits? I can't even see her belly button!

Wait...maybe this is Bai Ling on her way a funeral?



Is it me or does she almost look annoyed to be so fully clothed?

Tara Watch 2007

Standing on her own two feet.

Good.

No liquor in plain sight.

Fantastic.

Hair that doesn't look like it came from a Fraggle.

Lovely.

Okay! So far, so good!

Oscar fasion recap...

Snore. Almost everyone looked lovely at the Oscars last night. And that is quite a shame because it gives us less to work with here at BWOT.

But there were a few...a handful, really, that made logging onto my computer this morning quite the joy. Let's begin, shall we?

1. Anne Hathaway
Look, I adore Anne Hathaway. She's never "flashing beav" or spilling out of Area with a greasy oil heir at her side. Okay so there was one unfortunate "I thought my dress was opaque but not under intense flash bulbs" moment in her young past, but other than that I think she's a well behaved, well groomed, disease-free young lady. So it pains me to say that the entire time she was on stage presenting I was fantasizing about hacking off that wretched bow from the front of her dress. And also the one on the back. It's so horribly reminicent of the 1993 Jessica McClintock bridesmaid collection. And believe me when I say that '93 was not a good year for Ms. McClintock.



2. Kelly Preston...and John Travolta's hair
I don't mind the occassional animal print. I think it's sort of fun and vampy. I DO mind, however, when it's a floor-length gown, made of cheap material that is clinging to your body in all the wrong places. I also hate that type of halter neckline - it only looks good on super skinny, YOUNG women...otherwise it does strange things to your chest and neck and arms. I am also generally against ensembles that look like they came from the stores "Rave" or "5-7-9" or perhaps "Boom Boom's D-Luxe Gowns R Us." Oh, and also, John Travolta's hair looks like a burnt umber hair fountain...what's with the bangs? Nice piece, Johnny.



3. Elizabeth Shue
A. What is SHE doing at the Oscars? (though I loved her in Adventures in Babysitting, I haven't seen her in anything since The Saint with Val Kilmer and, correct me if I'm wrong, that wasn't exactly an Oscar contender though for reasons I can't comprehend I've seen it like 10 times.)
B. Perhaps next time (if there is a next time) she can go buy a new dress? A gown, even? Seriously, she looks like she's going Speed Dating at the local Radisson. And, I know it's probably asking too much, but can you at least blow-dry your hair? Maybe put on some make-up? Something? Anything? Ugh, I have to move on. This is too upsetting.



4. Kirsten Dunst
I've heard more Oscar recaps where people are just raving about this dress. Tim Gunn from Project Runway said it was stunning. TIM GUNN. No, unacceptable. I hate it. It's matronly, the color is boring, the weird little collar is distracting, I don't understand the feathers at the bottom. I just hate it. HATE IT. But then again, no one asked for my opinion. Though clearly Kiki should've.



5. Jennifer Hudson
I understand the plight of the full-figured gal. Really, I do. And I have no problem with her dress - I love chocolate brown and the cut is very flattering on her. I do have a problem with the Judy Jetson bolero thing she's wearing. First, it's taking away from the dress. Second, I understand the goal is to cover her arms but, seriously? We get it! You're not a size 0. Who cares? Move on! Show some skin! And give Judy her bolero back!



I would also like to take this moment to say that Ms. Hudson is really starting to get on my nerves. I don't know why. I think it's the lack of humility. I know that's stupid but if you're a first timer and you're at the friggin Oscars and you're NOMINATED for a friggin Oscar I want you...no, I EXPECT you to be ga-ga over the other bigger, more important stars. I want you to burst out crying and making the appropriate "oh my god I can't believe I won" faces when they call your name. I want you to thank all the other actresses in your category and say that you can't believe your name was uttered in the same context as those other women. I got none of that. Sure she sniffled a little and thanked her grandmother and all. But it wasn't enough. I needed more. And for those reasons, I officially don't care for Jennifer Hudson. And now I'm moving on.

Good lord, this is getting long! Okay, am going to lump the next few together because I'm tired of reading my own crap!

6. From the Vanity Fair Oscar Party: Lucy Liu, Chloe Sevigny (yay!), Linda Evangelista
I'll keep this simple. I love Lucy Liu but hate those butterfly sleeves. I just don't think they're flattering. And the color is too pasty for Lucy.



Chloe Sevigny never disappoints. And, to support the "green theme" of this year's Oscars, her dress is made entirely of recycled Venitian blinds. Now that's a special girl.



Linda Evangelista is gorgeous and I've always said that she would look good in a potato sack. Clearly she took me up on the challenge.



Did I miss anyone? Let me know!

Um...

I have no words but everyone has asked me whether or not I am going to include this picture on BWOT.

And so now I kind of half to.

But what does one write about this? I mean, clearly the girl has lost her damn mind but that's just too obvious. What could I possibly write that would be clever enough to capture the sheer atrocity of this hair decision of hers?

I mean sure I could talk about my conspiracy theory about drug testing and wanting to chop off her hair so that it can't be used to test how long she's been on la cocaina.

But no. That just won't do. So I'll just leave you to create your own story.

But I will just make one eensy comment. Why shave your head only to put on a horrible, cheap blonde wig? Really, I don't know. Again, I have no comment.

Knock yourselves out.

YAY! My favorite!

Today is going to be a good day. Know how I know?



Oh Bai Ling...you so crazy, girl!

It's been a while...good to see some things haven't changed.

Dear Brit-Brit -
Me again. Listen, I get it. Really, I do. The last few months have been your way of living out the lyrics of your song "Overprotected."

How cliche.

We are not amused but we'll learn to forgive, if not forget.

Thing is, outfits like this are not helping your situation:



I get it, Britney. I'm a big fan of The Princess Bride, too. But you don't need to wear the boots of the Dread Pirate Roberts (aka Wesley) to make your point. And the "dress" - and I write "dress" in quotes because I can only assume that's what it's supposed to be - is, um...yeah. Do I even need to say? No, you know what you've done.

Also, you are testing my limits by wearing that wretched rhinestone tie again. Seriously, you're killing me.

In the immortal words of Kate Hudson in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days, I love you, Benky. But I don't have to like you right now.

Til we meet again...wear some pants,
Denise

P.S. After I posted this entry I found THIS photo of the "outfit" Britney changed into after puking on her red dress.



You're one classy dame, Britney.

Today's Happy Picture...

I don't know where this picture came from. I don't know where it was taken. But Richard Simmons makes me happy and I could use some happy so there it is. Enjoy.

Tara Watch 2007

We're at Orange Alert. Not quite red, but with Ms. Reid the situation is always at the brink of explosion. And by "explosion" I, of course mean that we're really close to seeing boob or crotch or eyes rolled into the back of her head.

But for now we'll just thank our lucky stars that Tara's wearing what I can only assume is her "church dress" in all its cheap fabric and flesh-toned glory.

BWOT’S Song Lyrics of the Week!

I Wanna Love You by Akon

Well, it’s been awhile. But that’s because I couldn’t find any particularly unsettling song lyrics to nominate. That was until I paid close attention to Snoop Dogg’s rap solo in the Akon song which I happen to find annoying as all get out:

I'm stuck on p**** and your’s is right
Rip ridin’ the poles and them doors is tight
And I’m a get me a shot ‘fo the end of the night
Cause p**** is p**** and baby you’re p**** for life

I think in "Snoop World" calling someone "p**** for life" is a real compliment. A term of endearment, if you will.

I think I'll have candy hearts engraved with "Be My P**** 4 Life" - just in time for Valentine's Day!

Who's The Over-Accessorizer?

I loved Alyssa Milano on Who's The Boss. I also loved her on Charmed. I think she's adorable and looks great at any age. And I would stab someone for her eyebrows.

Also, I HEART the Colts, too. But what I don't HEART is a poorly and over-accessorized outfit.



Carpenter jeans, ugly studded white belt, pearls up the wazoo, way too much hair product for a SuperBowl watch party. I mean, what's going on here Sam? Er, I mean Alyssa? I don't think Angela would approve.

Fashion train wreck...

It appears that young Hollywood had a wee bit of a fashion train wreck this weekend. Honestly, I don't know where to begin.

Oh wait. Yes I do!



This photo requires you to ask various questions. Like, "Why is she clutching her breast?" and "Are those the f-ing ugliest jeans on the planet?" and "Wait...she's brunette again?" and "She's not REALLY wearing a rhinestone tie is she?" Unfortunately the answers are no idea, yes, for today at least, someone clearly raided Claire's Boutique this weekend.

But even Britney doesn't hold a candle to this mess.



Check out Oksana Baiul...clearly lookin' for love in all the wrong places with this little ensemble. Listen, Oksy...the control top panties look worked for Sienna Miller (and when I say "worked" I mean "didn't look completely obscene...just really weird) but they won't work for you.

Anyway, then there's Keira Knightly whose outfit clearly matches her personality:



I'd write more but her "death stare" is making me uncomfortable so I will move on.

As for Mischa Barton, I'm not sure what I hate more. The ugly leggings or the uglier shoes.



Hmm...I'll go with the shoes.

The ladies weren't alone. Check out Nick Cannon. A few questions:



1. Does he realize the tag is still on his hat?
2. Is there any need for a necklace that size? Especially when you're kind of a small guy to begin with?
3. Um, nice watch.

And a list like this wouldn't be complete without my homegirl Zooey Deschanel.



Hey, if I realized that I'd accidentally paired my 9th grade Homecoming dress with orthopaedic shoes and ugly black legging I would cry too.

Guess who's writing a relationship self-help book?

Well of course it's Ice & Coco T! Who else? Personally, I can't wait to get my hands on this book. I feel like it'll help unlock the myriad reasons why I can't have a successful relationship.

And I'm guessing the reasons involved silicon and lubricant.

New couple alert!

Eh? Really? Um, okay I guess.