7.31.2006

Waxing poetic...

I should be working right now but I’m not. Instead I’m surfing E!Online. And I came across this photo:

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I said to myself, “Cute dress. I wonder who that young starlet is.”

That’s Ashlee Simpson. And, God help me, I wouldn’t have known it had I not read the photo cutline.

Would you? This is the Ashlee Simpson I know:

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That first picture reminds me of the sculptures at Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum. You know how they bare an uncanny resemblance to the celebrity but it’s not 100% on the money? Like check out these sculptures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt along with baby Shiloh.

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Right away you know who it’s a sculpture of but there’s something oddly animatronics about it.

That’s what new Ashlee Simpson looks like to me. Girlfriend needs to stop denying the plastic surgery rumors because, seriously, you have to be blind not to see it.

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Chin, cheeks, nose, lips. I rest my case.

Comfort is a four letter word...

I know they’re comfortable and he’s Jack Nicholson and he doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you think about his shoes but, eew.

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I see these Crocs everywhere, though primarily on little children and/or nurses. I’m ALL FOR comfortable footwear but brightly colored plastic clogs with holes all over them? Um, no. I can’t accept it. And though I think Jack Nicholson is arguably one of the manliest men in all of history, baby blue clogs make him seem somewhat...well, fruity.

Manly men, you’ve been warned.

If these two crazy kids can’t make it…

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock got married. Check out their wedding attire. Classy, nes pa?

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Here’s the thing. I know they are the very definition of trailer trash but I love them anyway. AND, if I had her body (and I can if someone is willing to loan me $50,000 and the name of a great plastic surgeon) I would walk around in a bikini all day, every day.

So you know what? Mazel Tov, Pam and Kid! You two complete me.

Weekly Paris bashing...

Admit it. This blog wouldn’t be complete without at least ONE Paris Hilton bashing a week. Far be it from me to disappoint my loyal readers.

Aww…doesn’t Paris look pretty and ladylike in this lace number? (ignore the fact that she has one hand wrapped around a stripper pole and she looks ready for brunch...or perhaps a baby shower, no?)

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I mean, I can’t even see her belly-button! So demure. So classy. So…

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Ah HA! There’s the Paris I know and love. You never disappoint, P. Ever. God bless you.

I hate when this happens…

You know how there are some people that you find unexplainably attractive? People like Adrian Brody, for example. I can’t explain why I find him attractive but I do.

There is no greater example of this phenomenon than Nicolas Cage.

Sometimes I want to have his baby:

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Sometimes, not so much:

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When did he start looking like a very unattractive woman?

Public Service Announcement…

This is your face.

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This is your face after a decade of partying like a reheated piece of Tijuana meat.

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Any questions?

Little left to the imagination...

Listen, I like to show a little skin when I go out. Nothing wrong with that, right? I mean, show ‘em if you got ‘em, is my motto. Except I don’t really “got ‘em” but I sure do like to fake it.

But this woman is taking that to a whole new level.

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When I first saw this photo on GoFugYourself my first reaction was, “Are those white cotton panties she’s wearing with that dress? Why wouldn’t she wear black ones?” And then I realized that the fact that I could see her panties was really the issue and not the fact that they’re the wrong color.

This is Sophia Hyatt, who “allegedly” is a British celebrity. And apparently in Britain it’s socially acceptable to go out in public with your hoo-ha showing. And here I thought they were so proper! Go figure.

Not-So-Funny Girl...

This morning, as I do every day, I was visiting my favorite blogs and catching up on all the celebrity gossip I’ve missed while moving. I came across this picture and I swear to you it took me like 20 minutes to truly understand what I was seeing.

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This is Barbara Streisand.

No, I’m not kidding.

Her IMDB profile says she’s 66 years old but from the looks of this photo, she’d actually a well-preserved 100.

I mean, how does one go from that to this:

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It’s a miracle of modern science…and by “science” I clearly mean a combination of spackle and Lycra.

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...Inaugural WP Edition

Things that are NOT sexy:
Call off the search! I’ve found the missing Doobie Brother! He lives in White Plains under the assumed name “Randy” and likes to get his freak on at Dooley Mac’s Irish Pub on Mamaroneck.

See for yourself:

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No, for real guys? I’m frightened. I moved to White Plains to be closer to work. (yes, I have a real job – I don’t craft witty commentary for a living) But now I’m wondering if I made the right decision. I present to you, Exhibit A.

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And now, Exhibit B. It’s Friday night in downtown White Plains. I guess that’s why she decided to wear her fancy, plaid shorts to the bar.

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But “Randy” likes them so mission accomplished.

Oh, and one other thing. This pub I went to is gross. I mean, dark, dingy, sticky floor icky. But not to these bold, PYTs. Exhibit C:

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Somebody help me.

Cyanide & Happiness...

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic

7.26.2006

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder…

Things that are sexy:
1. I can’t believe I’m saying this – Justin Timberlake (see previous post)
2. A good, red wine.
3. Starry nights.
4. The sound of the ocean at night.
5. George Clooney. (god, I’ve missed him)

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. This hat.
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There are a few things I’d like you to keep in mind when looking at these pictures. The first is that this woman is not – I repeat, NOT – in her 70s. My guess would be that she’s in her late 20s. The second thing is that this is Penn Station, not – I repeat, NOT – a church in Tuscaloosa. The third thing is that, although you can’t see it in the photographs, she’s wearing jeans and sneakers with that tank top and not – I repeat, NOT – “her Sunday best.”

Now that we’ve got that straight, why in god’s good name is she wearing that horrid hat? It’s yellow and orange straw with a big parrot-like object jutting from the front. (although that begs the question, how does she know that’s the front?)

I don’t understand it. I can’t even think of a reason she might be wearing this other than maybe she lost a bet.

FRIEND: “I bet you can’t make a blow torch with your mouth, a lighter, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.”

ESTELLE GETTY WANNABE: “Oh, I bet I can! If not I’ll wear my nana’s church hat to the train station tomorrow! Suck it, biyatch!”

**attempts to do “the blow torch” and burns off her eyebrows and bangs**

EG WANNABE: “Um, maybe I’ll wear that hat after all.”

N*Sync day at BWOT…

Here’s the thing. I have never found Justin Timberlake attractive. Ever.

I hated his pubescent Julius Caesar hair cut.

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I thought he looked like a wee little girl all in curls.

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I thought he’d taken a deep dive off the Village People train.

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Until I saw this.

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What in the…? Who IS this guy? H-O-T, HOT! Ay, papi! Where’ve you been all my life?

Last to know...AGAIN!

I freaking HATE when I'm the last to know something.

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I mean, don't get me wrong, at one point or another I thought every member of N*Sync was gay. Well, maybe not the guy with the weird hair. He's too ugly and poorly dressed to be gay. But the others...well, I had my doubts.

But anywho, you GO Lance. Be you, man!

But in case the gay thing doesn't work out...call me! :)

7.24.2006

Pirates of the CaribbeLING….

I saw the first Pirates of the Caribbean this weekend for the first time. (yes I know…they moved the rock I’ve been living under) It was quite good! I do love that Johnny Depp. And Orlando Bloom, who I happen to think comes across as a pansy in too many of his movies, looked quite the hottie. And Keira – just love her.

I understand that a lot of people are way into these movies. The sequel has already made like a zillion dollars (Canadian) and will continue to make more money than the gross domestic product of the Republic of Congo.

And though I really enjoyed the movie and had a brief fantasy about being a pirate wench and running off with William Turner (a.k.a. a more manly Orlando), I didn’t like it as much as Bai-Ling clearly did.

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Arg. Shiver me timbers.

A daring escape…

Quick. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you see this picture of Ashlee Simpson?

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The first thing I think is that it looks as though she’s doing the walk of shame. Think about it. How many times have you left someone’s apartment wearing oversized sweatpants, someone’s rugby t-shirt and a pair of strappy, kitten heel sandals?

Don’t play coy with me. You know what I’m talking about. The bird nest in your hair, missing contact lens, unexplained bruise, shag-carpet tongue and a vague recollection of a half-empty bottle of SoCo chased by some watermelon wine coolers. (God, college was fun.)

In that photo, Ashlee looks like she cut her jeans into shorts using her bootycall’s Mach 3 in the bathroom. Then she stole his little sister’s t-shirt, climbed out the window so as to not wake up mom and dad and casually strolled out the front door. But the shoes. The shoes are a dead giveaway. They get me every time.

Wax on, wax off…

I have a new conspiracy theory. Victoria Beckham is not real. As in not a real human being. She’s made of a combination of the same materials used to make basketballs and garden gnomes.

How else can you explain this?

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But damn if that David Beckham isn’t hot.

7.21.2006

When boob-jobs attack...

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Ay, Paula. Straight up now tell me. What's up with the sunken chest cavity?

My hero...

Oh. My. God. Christmas has arrived!

A TMZ reporter intercepted Paris Hilton leaving a restaurant. He "interviewed" her to find out her feelings about some of the postings the TMZ users have left about the celebutant.

He asks her how she felt about being called an "oversized human condom." No. Seriously.

Click here and listen for yourself.

7.20.2006

Sisters are doing it for themselves...

I put pictures of Britney and Jaime Lynn Spears into my magic hat. I waved my magic wand and asked the hat to show me what they'll look like in 25 years. And voila.

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Past life regression...

Want to know who you were in a past life? Click here to find out.

My past life diagnosis: I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Austria around the year 1750. Your profession was that of a dramatist, director, musician or bard.

My brief psychological profile in my past life: You always liked to travel and to investigate. You could have been a detective or a spy.

The lesson that my last past life brought to my present incarnation: Your lesson is to conquer jealousy and anger in yourself and then in those who will select you as their guide. You should understand that these weaknesses are caused by fear and self-regret.

Back off, Micha...

Even Micha Barton wants a piece of HJO. Back off, ho. I saw him first.

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Wait a second. This looks an awful lot like the inside of a nightclub. HJO! May I remind you that you're 18 years old? Don't make me give you a spanking.

Actually, please do.

A true visionary...

Tommy Shamson has a dream.

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A dream to be a heavy metal dancer. Here he shares that dream with you.

Haylie Duff scares me...

Haylie Duff is in Hairspray on Broadway.

I didn't think she could possibly look MORE unattractive. Clearly, I was wrong.

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I see future hottie...

Today I was surfing some of my daily news sites when I came across an article about child actor Haley Joel Osment being in a car accident.

First, I was sort of shocked that he's now old enough to drive. In my mind's eye he still looks like this:

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Cute little snot-nosed punk, huh?

So you can imagine my surprise when I saw the accompanying photo on CNN.com:

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Well hellooooooooo, Haley! Is it me or does he look like a teenage Robert Redford? That hair! Those eyes!

By the way, no need to feel too guilty about ogling HJO - he's 18, ladies...and gentlemen. (this is an equal opportunity blog) And you know what they say. If there's grass on the field...

Eew. Gross. I just gave myself the creeps.

Anywho, back to the business at hand. Of course I had to do some more research into HJO and what he's been up to these days. That's when I found this:

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Hubba, hubba little hombre.

Though it looks like he's been working steadily (if not somewhat anonymously) these days, clearly he's not doing all that well because he was driving a 1995 Saturn when he was in his accident. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Look for HJO in the upcoming movie "Home of the Giants." In the film, he plays a high school journalist covering a basketball team as it heads toward the state championship.

HJO, I have a headline for you. "Haley Joel Osment Finds Love with Older, Sophisticated Woman." Chew on that, HJO. Call me.

7.18.2006

Skinny minny...

What in the name of God has happened to Carson Daly?

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Jeez. The guy looks like a glazed donut hole on top of a chopstick. That head! It’s huge! He was so cute before. I liked him with a little meat on his bones. But now? Ugh, NOW he’s the male equivalent to Nicole Ritchey. And spandex shorts?

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No, no, no, NO. NO, Carson. NO. I thought I’d lost a lot of respect for you when you dated Tara Reid. But spandex shorts? That’s just cruel and unusual punishment.

It’s over between us.

I have standards, people.

I have cellulite, okay? I HAVE CELLULITE. Like, not massive, cottage cheese thighs but the occasional dimple. Which is why I can’t bring myself to post those Tara Reid bikini pictures that have been floating around.

…so I’ll let D-Listed do it for me.

Evil. Just evil.

Oh thank GOD!

Set your TiVo’s! Kevin Federline is set to perform at the Teen Choice Awards set to air on August 20.

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Be still my beating heart…and my dry-heaving esophagus.

Save the ferrets...

I swear I’m not trying to turn this into a Paris Hilton blog but she offers so much fuel for my fire.

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A. I hate this dress.
B. That hat looks ridiculous.
C. How many animals does the girl have?
D. Doesn’t it look as though she’s kissing a big rat she pulled out of that dumpster behind her?

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I hope that ferret gets tested for herpes.

7.17.2006

Crotchy Hilton...

I believe in the power of prayer. I like to say a quick one at night before I go to sleep. My prayers often go something like this:

Dear God -
Please don't let me see Paris Hilton's crotch again. Amen.

Now I've begun to wonder if God's listening. 'Cause it sure doesn't seem like it.

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What is it with her? I mean, this isn't a one time thing, guys. See for yourself. (but just in case, don't get too close to the screen - she might be contagious)

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I mean, look at the cover of her new CD. It's like she's DARING you to look at her crotch. I'm reminded of mythology and of the story of Medusa. I wonder if you'll turn into stone if you look too closely at Paris's hee-haw.

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