This hurts me more than it hurts her...

This is my tipping point. I'm not sure I can make it through the rest of the week after seeing this.

I love her. I LOVE HER. I own her Double CD Greatest Hits collection. I know all the words to her songs. I've karaoked "If You Want My Lovin'" dozens of times.

And yet nothing could prepare me for this. Aretha Frankly performing at Radio One's 25th Anniversary party on August 17th.



But that's not even the worst of it. LOOK:



I need to go home now. I'm a broken woman.

A new target for my wrath...

Fine. I confess. I'm addicted to reality shows about people singing and dancing. You've read my commentary on Dancing with the Stars (HEART!) and Celebrity Duets (double HEART!) and now it's time for one more...Rock Star: Supernova.

I WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY YOU SO STUFF IT.

It is SO bad it's good. Because, let's face it, Tommy Lee is totally gross and hep-ridden but he's still hot in what my friend Aurora calls a "Dirty Wrong Love" kind of way. (DWL for short) BUT, every rose has its thorn, my friends. And the thorn on Rock Star: Supernova is this damn wanna-be whore Storm Large.



STORM. LARGE. What kind of f-ed up name is that? I bet her real name is like Elizabeth Masterson or something white bread country club like that. I bet she wore thick glasses and had braces and a mouth guard until she was 17.

Sorry. I just...EEW. She skeeves me out.

Maybe I should explain the premise of this show for those of you living under a rock. This is either the second or third series of Rock Star. A high profile band (last season it was INXS) conducts a talent search for a new lead singer. This season the band is Supernova - drummer Tommy Lee from Motley Crue, bassist Jason Newsted from Metallica, and guitarist Gilby Clarke from Guns N Roses who has rocked a David Cassidy haircut all season. No, for real:



You know what? I don't like it but he's super talented and kind of hot in a rock star kind of way so I'm totally going to let it fly. (I will, however, point out that he looks as though he's auditioning to be the fourth Charlie's Angel. Ahem...I digress...) Oh, and Dave Navarro and Brooke Burke are co-hosts. (Dave is also big time DWL)

Anyway, back to Storm Large and why I hope she falls of the stage next week and breaks her vocal chords.

You know that guy at work who takes every word that comes out of your mouth and turns it into a sexual innuendo? Let me demonstrate.

Me: "I hope that cafeteria is serving taco salads today."
Creepy Coworker: "I'd like to taco your salad."

See? Okay so I didn't actually have this conversation but I think you all get my point. Anywho, this is Storm Large. Not only that, but every time Tommy, Gilby or Jason say anything to her she's all "Mmm hmm...thank you baby, I love you. You guys are awesome." All in this ultra phony breathy way.

So anyway, the other night she performed that Evanecense song "Bring Me To Life." And she SUCKED. Not only did she suck but she made the mistake of bringing this other HOT performer, Toby, in to sing back-up. Toby stole the show - even the Supernova guys said it. Here, watch for yourself. And when you do, watch her response when she's being judged. TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT TO SLAP THAT GRIN OFF HER FACE!?

So, my all time favorite is Dilana...though part of me really wants to shave her head while she's sleeping. But that's neither here nor there. Check out my favorite performance! Oh, I should mention that apparently she said something negative in the press - I don't what it was and, quite frankly, I don't care. She's way cool, she has a cool voice and she doesn't appear to be trying so hard to be all rocker and stuff.

Anyway, so last night Dilana was in the bottom three so she had to perform a song. She picked Psycho Killer which I think was an excellent choice for her. Anywho, stupid ho Storm Large was totally trying to infringe on Dilana's stage! She's standing there dancing, laying on the floor, trying to be all hardcore rock and roll. LOOK! Watch stupid Storm on the right hand side of the screen.

Ohmigod, HATE. HATE!! BACK UP OFF MY HOMEGIRL!

But the point is, I can't get enough of this show. I blame it on my friend Marc for introducing me to it. But it's SO good. You must watch.

And please, help me get stupid Storm Large booted by voting for EVERYONE ELSE BUT HER.

I'm officially a dork for writing this blog post, aren't I? Oh well, if Gilby Clarke can live with Patridge Family hair, I can live with my own dorkiness.

New obsession...

What do you get when you join Cheech Marin (yes, Cheech & Chong Cheech), Peter Frampton, Marie Osmond and Little Richard? No, not my secret sexual fantasy.

Give up? MY NEW FAVORITE SHOW EVER! (though add Wonka's chocolate river and a purple unicorn and this is pretty damn close to my secret fantasy)

Celebrity Duets on FOX is the best new show EVER. Seriously, folks. It's up there with Dancing With The Stars. And I think you all know how I feel about DWTS. (HEART it!)



Okay, here's the premise. B-list celebrities (Carlton from The Fresh Prince, Xena The Warrior Princess, gymnast Carly Patterson, Jai from Queer Eye and many more!) are paired with A-list singers to perform a duet. Their performances are judged by Marie Osmond, Little Richard and producer David Foster.

No, for real. I am NOT making this up.

Example, Leah Thompson (A.K.A. Lorraine McFly from Back To The Future) performed with Michael Bolton, who I'll admit looks damn good without his long locks.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! My favorite part - Little Richard. I love that crazy queen. I think his wig was on too tight. There were moments when it seemed he didn't even realize he was on live television. And the best moment was when he told Marie Osmond to shut up. Screamed it then put on his sunglasses. Love him.

And Marie...oh man, once an Osmond always an Osmond. She's all "That took a lot of guts. But remember to focus on RELATING...you HAVE to relate. That's what makes a good duet."

What in the Book of Mormon does that mean?

Click here to watch Alfonso "Carlton" Ribeiro perform "Knew You Were Waiting" with Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child. I will say that this performance, as well as Jai "Queer Eye" Rodriguez's performance were the best. Watching WWE wrestler Chris Jericho sing with Leanne Womack (who I'm convinced he was touching inappropriately the entire song only to have her try her hardest to not outwardly cringe) was the most painful thing ever. No surprise that he was dumped.

If you're reading this on Wednesday there's a special encore schedule for Thursday at 8pm EST. DO NOT MISS IT!!

Chicken cutlets...

This is the reason I don't wear those damn chicken cutlet faux boob things:



If it can happen to Beyonce, it can happen to the rest of us.

Just reporting...

The New York Post's Page Six reports:

PARIS Hilton's career as a pop star is fizzling as quickly as one of her blink-and-you'll-miss-it relationships.

In its first week out of the gate, Hilton's first CD is being widely seen as a certified flop. "Paris," which features the single "Stars Are Blind," sold a lackluster 75,000 copies in the United States - a pittance compared to Christina Aguilera's first-week sales of 320,000, according to Soundscan.

And projected sales for next week are said to be a measly 30,000, which is a larger than normal second week drop.

"Paris" is languishing at the bottom of Billboard's Hot 100 - so Hilton's label rushed out her second single, "Turn It Up," which isn't doing very well either.

"The international outlook is not much better for her," one industry source told Page Six. "The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live."

The source added that Hilton was advised a year ago to train her voice, work with choreographers and learn an instrument to prepare for a limited tour, but "obviously she didn't listen."



Ahem...no comment.

Tough decision...

Oh the tangled webs we weave. Readers, I'm moving from NY to Los Angeles. It's all very, very exciting. And I'm confident that being in Hollywood is going to give me even MORE content for Big Waste of Time.

As I was thinking about my four years in NY, I began thinking about all the incredible men I've dated.

Allow me to introduce you:

This is Fileberto, my Latin lover.



Things had been going...well, okay with Fileberto. The thing is, I just couldn't compete with his Batman obsession. I couldn't play second fiddle to a comic book character. Sigh...if only wings of love were enough.

Next is Shamus.



Shamus and I met at the gym. He was my personal trainer. Look at that bod! It explains why I'm so fit, doesn't it? Anyway, with Shamus all he cared about was himself. His body, his clothes, his hair. It just gets old, you know? It was hard but in the end I think breaking it off was the right thing for me.

Then there was Tayshaun.



What a romantic. Honestly, it was a little smothering at times. And it grated on me whenever he would "borrow" my hair products and not replace them. Yeah, that was destined not to work out. Hair serum is expensive, you know?

Oh my gosh, I'd almost forgetting about that one drunken weekend in Brooklyn. That's where I met Tiko, Sushu, Mako, Iko, Kyoto, Saytan, Taipei and Bob.



WOO! Talk about a good time! Man, is it hot in here or just me?

Moving on!

Mmm...I did go through that phase when I dated older men. Old Yeller...that was his nickname. Come to think of it, I don't know his actual name.



You know, I didn't think it would, but the 50 year age difference really got in the way. But Old Yeller was young at heart, I'll give him that. The personality of a 20 year old.

The other thing about New York is that all the men are workaholics. Take Guido for instance.



All he did was yap, yap, yap about his work with the phone company. I mean, don't get me wrong. I admire his ambition but, come on! And when he found out that I don't have a home phone, only a cell phone...well, it was all over after that. Sad, really.

After Guido I decided that I'd date someone with a hobby. You know, some kind of passion in life other than his job. That's when I fell for Rick.



He was so fun, so carefree, so electric. But then - and this is still a little hard to talk about - that one tragic day during a weekend Tron reenactment event, his costume short circuited and caught on fire. God, it still hurts to talk about Rick. Do you mind if we move on?

Oh, then there was the blind date with that guy...what was his name? Jessie.



Honestly, when he showed up at the restaurant wearing Daisy Dukes and red cowboy boots...well, I got the check. I mean, hello! What kind of whacko do you think I am?

And so we come to PJ, my current boyfriend.



He's a whole lot of man. But I've told him that I just don't think I can do long distance. I'm heartbroken...really, I am. But in the end I think it's the right decision to make.

I'm trying really hard to let go, cut the ties, etc. I've even been doing some online dating and have a date set up when I arrive in LA. He seems like a really nice guy, stable career in "movies" (although I'm not really sure why he writes "movies" in quotation marks), lives with his mom which is kind of sweet. I don't know. Seems like this could be a good catch.

What do you think?

Calling all children of the 80s!

Think you know 80s music? Think again.

This quiz is so much fun! I scored 55.05.

Ha ha ha ha!

GoFugYourself.com cracks me up. CRACKS ME UP!

Especially this post about Cheryl Hines EMMY dress. In case you didn't see it, voila:



Now avert your eyes for you may be blinded by the jewels.

Click here to read their assessment of the ensemble.

Oh Brit...

You all know that I'm the first one to admit when Britney Spears looks nice. I mean, what she's not dressed like a $5 hooker or like the Madam at some trailer park brothel.

This, however, is not one of those times.



See, here's the thing. If you break it up and take it out of its current element, it's not so bad. The nightie would be quite cute and "come hither" if you were lounging around a boudoir. (I'd like to understand why she's holding up the side as if she were wearing a full-length ball gown and not someone else's pajamas...)

The flip-flops...well, they're flip-flops! Perfect for making a quick run to CVS or to pick up a pizza or to, call me crazy, wear at the beach.

I'm kind of digging the sunglasses - I bet they cost more than my car.

The hat...okay, well the hat looks like it came from a gift shop at some City Slickers-like Dude Ranch. But I'm sure there's a time and place for that hat...like maybe at Webster Hall in Manhattan on the head of a 14 year old tranny who's been smoking everything but his platform shoes.

But together the outfit is a horrible, horrible shipwreck. And Britney, though rocking those brunette locks, is unfortunately going down with the ship.

Holy Moses...

So, I was going to tear into Jared Leto for wearing those horrific Croc clogs that everyone seems to love nowadays.



Until I saw THIS photo and decided that the Crocs are the LEAST of his worries.



He should be more concerned about his Vitamin D deficiency and the fact that he looks almost exactly like Morticia Addams, only without the red lipstick.

Booty alert!

Well if this isn't the kind of girl you want to bring home to momma, I just don't know what is:



This is Ice T (who I originally called Ice Cube but was alerted to the error of my ways by an alert reader) and his ball & chain, Coco. In case you weren't sure her name is Coco, you can read it on the "bling" she's wearing around her neck. I suppose she wore it to match her shoes. Now, I must admit. Bejeweled, white, strappy, high-heeled sandals are usually not the direction I go in when I put on my white stripper shorts. Then again, I usually doing go in the stripper shorts direction at all.

Please note the white purse, the white cellphone, the white legs of her sunglasses. See, some might say this is overkill but I say, if you're going to dress like a Naughty Nurse, just go ALL the way.

I particularly like the studded pockets on her top. Couldn't even tell they were there, could ya?

A bold fashion choice, Coco.

Three favorite outfits of the week...

EOnline is the best. They provide me with such rich material for my blog.

For example, these three little gems.

Apparently Rachel Bilson forgot she had to attend this red carpet event. How else can you explain the fact she cut a hole in one side of her pillowcase and then cinched it around her waist with the red belt from the saucy devil costume she wore last Halloween? And do NOT get me started on the shoes. Not okay, Rachel Bilson. Not okay.



Amanda Peet, who I adore, is wearing a replica of a dress I wore to my 8th grade homecoming dance. Only mine was iridescent purple and paired with low-heeled, dyed-to-match pumps. However, even I, at the age of 13 had the good fashion sense to wear a strapless bra. Or maybe I didn't need a bra...but the point is, my bra straps weren't hanging out.



And last but CERTAINLY not least, my dear dear friend, Chloe Sevigny. Oh silly, silly Chloe. You never disappoint, do you? The sad thing is, this outfit isn't completely ridiculous like most other things she wears. But the fact that it's on Chloe "Multiple Personality" Sevigny makes it seem off balance and weird. She radiates weird.



...and I kind of like it.

A note from Lindsay Lohan...

So, like, oh my god, bitches. I'm totally rockin' this hot new outfit, right?



Know what I like about it? It's all like see-through and short and shit but it's got pockets that I can keep my coke in. I mean, I totally don't DO coke because I'm, like, a kick-ass role model and shit. I mean, stuff. SHIT!

I totally have to stop cursing like that 'cause my mom says that classy women don't curse. Which I say is total bullsh...um, total crap because I hang with TONS of classy people and they all curse way more than I do. So suck on that, Mom.

Don't try to tell me what to do. In the immortal words of Britney Spears "what I gotta do to live my life" huh, Mom?

Anyway, enough about my mom - back to me. So, my mom was all, "Linds, you look like Stevie Nicks in that outfit."

And I'm all, "Who the hell is he? Are you calling me a lesbian? I hate you! You've stollen my childhood!"

And the thing is, I'm totally not. A lesbian I mean. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that I like to get it on with guys like, all the time, right? But I'm not some kind of ho or firecrotch or whatever that greaseball guy said about me. I'm like WAY classy.

You got that, Mom?

I think she gets the Scary Spice title...

Ya'll know how I feel about Victoria Beckham, right?

I'm frightened of her. She gives me nightmares. Nightmares just like when I was a kid and I went on the Carousel of Progress in Disney World and that animatronic man kept singing that "now is the time, now is the best time" and totally freaked me out and made me revert to bed wetting.

Like THAT KIND of scared.

Why? Because more often then not she looks like this:



She doesn't look human!

Which is why it made me giddy as a schoolgirl to see her looking like this:





Drop. Dead. Drunk.

Hooray! Victoria LIVES!

Whoa!

I had NO idea Mr. Clean was one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars! How forward thinking of the show's producers to include a cartoon character as a...

WHOA! That's not Mr. Clean! That's Joey Lawrence!



Oh my god. He looks like an f-ing pirate. Like a big, gay, polyester-clad, dancing pirate.

God I can't wait for this show.

Further proof...

Just in case you needed further proof that Tom Cruise is an f-ing whackadoo, Paramount Studios has dropped his production company from its label because - and I'm quoting Sumner Redstone whose company owns Paramount - "his recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."

Redstone estimated that Tom's freakish off-screen behavior cost the studio $100 to $150 million in ticket sales for "Mission: Impossible III," which I will say, I thoroughly enjoyed but almost boycott.

"It's nothing to do with his acting ability, he's a terrific actor," Redstone said. "But we don't think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot."

Gee...that seems strange to me. Do you think it might have anything to do with this precious little snippet of TV history? You know, when he attacked Oprah and manhandled Katie Holmes?





Or was it maybe this snippet in which he butchered the English language, harassed Matt Lauer, and suggested Brooke Shields was going to hell for using medication to treat her postpartum depression. (perhaps Tom thinks she should've dealt with it the way Andrea Yates did hers...is that right, Tom? You freakin' loon?)



The sad fact is, Tom Cruise has become a parody of himself. And in my opinion, if South Park animates you, you've got bigger problems than being ditched by your production company backers.

Can't get enough - More Celeb Yearbook Pics!

This is starting to hurt. Really. Here's another picture of my future baby-daddy, George Clooney.



What the...?

Sorry...I can't even talk about this. I just have to move on. Move on to this...



Can you guess? Me either. It's Billy Bob Thorton, looking very much like a serial killer even at the tender age of 15.

For more Celeb Yearbook Pics, click here!

Oh, and tell me if you agree that Rene Zelwegger has had some work done.

K-Fed @ Teen Choice: I had to go there...

I'm going to start off by saying something nice. I thought Britney looked adorable when presenting at the Teen Choice Awards.



And, I'm done being nice.

What in the name of everything that is wrong with the world was Kevin Federline thinking?

Did you guys see this? No? Um, okay - so first and foremost, half the song had to be bleeped because of profanity. Hello! Teen Choice Awards! This is primetime television on a show geared toward kids and you're going to come out on stage and drop f-bombs every other word? Mind you, this is a father of three we're talking about here. Oh, excuse me. Three and a half. Get it together, dude!

Second, and probably most important, the song SUCKED. SUCKED. He's so bad. At first I thought he was the guy playing the piano at the intro and I thought "Wow, I had no idea he was that talented."

Duh. Of course he's not. That was some funny little camera trick - they were trying to confuse me but I am sharp as a tack...mind like a steel trap. Anyway, what was I thinking? He's about as talented as a freakin' Post-It Note. (Aww...that was mean. I like Post-It Notes.)

Oh my god. I can't even write anymore. Seriously. You just have to see this for yourself. Please click here.

An open letter to Eva Longoria...

Evita -
Yo no entiendo porque tu me mortificas. (I don't understand why you torment me so)

There's only so much that I can do for you as your fellow Latina. I saw you at the ALMA Awards earlier this year and told everyone how adorable and pretty and smart and funny and charming you were. Of course I commented on the fact that you're the approximate size of my left thigh but it was all in good fun.

And I love that fact that you don't play a maid or a hooker or some sort of cracked out Nuyorican on TV. Instead you play a sexy, wealthy, former model who happens to be Latina. You go girl.

Okay so I was kind of weirded out when you were dating that J.C. guy from N*Sync because...well, first he looks like the bald eagle from the Muppets, and second, he wrote a song with lyrics that included "Look at shorty, she was leaning on me. Getting horny. Maybe we'll get naughty." Mmm...nice.

But it's okay - we all make mistakes. I once dated a guy who, at the age of 30, was still wearing his highschool letterman jacket. So see? No one's perfect. (I'm referring to Mr. Letterman Jacket...not to myself...I'm as close to perfect as it gets, m'ija)

Anywho, my point is, I think that ours is a love/hate relationship with the scales tipping toward love. That is, until I saw this picture:



UGGs?!? UGGs?!? Don't even get me started about how I'm sure those horrific sorry excuse for boots are probably made by 5 year old Peruvian children who've also been forced to hunt and kill the llamas used to make them. But Eva, it's AUGUST. AUGUST, Eva.

I see all that water - that's why you're so thirsty. You're wearing dead llamas on your feet.

Ya. Para. No mas. Por favor! Gabrielle would NEVER be caught dead in those ugly things.

So I suggest you break into the wardrobe trailer and steal some of Gabrielle's Manolo's.

...and while you're in there, I wear a size 8.

Besos,
Denise

A rare sighting....

Shhh...be very quiet. Shhh! Be still. This is QUITE a treat, fair readers. It's not every day that you get to witness such a sight.

And yet, here it is. For all the world to see. The rare Bald-Mullet:



I think we should all voice our gratitude for Hulk Hogan for sharing this wondrous occurance with us.

And once we're done thanking him and commenting amongst ourselves about how muscle-y he looks for his age, we can turn and snicker behind his back about that hideous, neon yellow Speedo.

Tee hee!

Cyanide & Happiness...

Casual chaps...

I don't claim to be the most saavy business woman, but I think I'm pretty good and knowing when something seems like a good idea. And this does NOT strike me as a good idea.



Help me understand what leather sportswear looks like. Because I could be wrong, but when I think of sportswear I think of sweatpants, polo shirts, chinos, light cotton stuff that you'd wear when outdoors.

For some odd reason, leather chaps and fringe vests simply don't come to mind when I think of sportswear. But maybe I'm wrong.

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. Wearing your control top granny-panties/girdle combo as a top.


This outfit is a bad choice for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, it's a bad choice because it was worn to a bar in White Plains called "The Thirsty Turtle." Now I ask you, does "The Thirsty Turtle" sound like the type of bar at which a white satin bustier is an appropriate outfit selection? Don't let me keep you guessing - no, it's not.

EW's Sexy Gone Wrong...

I love Entertainment Weekly. They ran an online article about the Least Sexy "Sexy Photos" of all time. Allow me to recap:

1. Fabio


They hit the nail on the head with this one. Quite frankly, NOTHING about Fabio attracts me. And when he started doing "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" commercials he became even LESS attractive.

2. Courtney Cox-Arquette


Is it me or does she look like she has a penis in this picture? And I mean, this cannot be comfortable. And also, good lord God she's pale.

3. Mickey Rourke.


Okay, here's my problem with this. In that photo, Mickey's body looks pretty hot. His hair is brushed. He doesn't look like this:

So I'm going to go ahead and give Mickey a pass on this one.

4. Marilyn Manson


Marilyn Manson scares me. If I saw him in a dark alley I'd kick him in the shins, make the sign of the cross and run like hell to the nearest church, mosque or synagogue. (but I'm pretty sure that carpet he's laying on is the same one they have at the Amerisuites in Plano, Texas)

5. Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie Presley


Do I even need to comment on this photo? I think not. Quite possibly the LEAST sexy video ever made in the history of all music videos.

6. LaToya Jackson


Apparently this photo was taken at LaToya's house in New Jersey - a house she built using the proceeds of her Playboy magazine shoot. Damn, that's one classy lady, eh?

7. Jon Bon Jovi


I don't know. I think I maybe would've jumped into this jacuzzi shouting, "go ahead and arrest me, officer - I've been bad!"

8. Ms. Piggy


I think the point the author was trying to make here was that it's sort of creepy to be thinking sexy thoughts about an inanimate object - even one with the diva personality of Ms. Piggy. And I, for one, agree.

9. Peter Sellers


Body hair + Speedo + gold medallion = Denise's worst nightmare.

10. Elvira Mistress of the Dark


I think there are several men who were teenagers in the 80s who would really disagree that this is "un-sexy."

11. Alice Cooper


Oh. My. God. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. GET IT OFF HIM! No no, not the snake! The eye make-up! AAAAK!

I've saved my two favorites for last.

12. Courtney Love


Really? Un-sexy? What's unsexy about pairing Huggy Bear's coat, Mickey Rourke's haircut, Peter Seller's Speedo, Julia Roberts' boots from Pretty Woman, Tommy Lee's hepatitis and a glass of wine? Call me crazy but I just don't get it.

And last but CERTAINLY not least:

13. David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff


I don't know...I think this picture gives that one a run for its money.