She's been mauled...

I like Ms. Sharon Stone. I mean, she's 48 years old and still looks hot. But every now and then I really wish she'd get a better stylist or, if she has one, she needs to beat him to death with her shoe.

This, unfortunately, is one of those cases.

From the front, not so bad. I mean, it's a little Elvira Mistress of the Dark but that's okay. It's Sharon Stone and she can get away with more than the average human.



But when we see a shot of the back, well, that's when we run into a bit of a problem.



It almost feels like she accidentally left part of her dress tucked into her fishnets. Or perhaps she was mauled by a herd of kinkajou monkeys on her way to the event she was emceeing. I mean, those kinkajous are dangerous, just ask Paris Hilton.

Whatever it is, THIS is unacceptable. I think Sharon might be jumping on the bangwagon of this ass cleavage trend - only she went the wrong way. It's top/down, Shar. Not bottom/up. See? Look how great Coco T wears it!



Never, ever, ever bottom/up, readers.

Happy to report...

So, I was concerned that people here in LA dressed like Mary Kate Olsen. I mean, not everyone - because clearly there's a whole other group that dresses like my homegirl Coco T - but enough people that I would be forced to chase people down the street with a brush and some shirts that actually fit.

But they don't, so Mary Kate really is a pioneer in the world of schlepy, ugly dressers. View exhibits A & B:





She really like those sunglasses, eh?

Holy Jesus help us all....

Jesus H. Christ. Apparently there's a new sex tape in town. And it belongs to...

...him:



No, for real. Though the entire tape hasn't leaked out yet, TMZ has a preview. There's no sex involved yet, but there is a very upsetting few minutes of Screech (aka Dustin Diamond) describing a Dirty Sanchez. Me no likey.

Click here to see the clip.

Greetings from the West Coast!

Well hey ya'll! Miss me? I'm sure.

I made it to Los Angeles without killing my mom. I think that's a huge accomplishment, no? And now, here I am, in the land of the vapid and it's f-ing fantastic.

So far, I've only had one celebrity sighting. Dr. Drew Pinksy.



I know, I know. Not very glamourous but I will tell you this - that photo does NOTHING for him. He's tall and really, really good looking. And he eats pasta. And I probably shouldn't be all that impressed by that, but the fact that he's not Mr. Non-Carb makes me like him.

Okay, so, that's it for celeb sightings.

But just like Tony Bennett left his heart in San Fransisco, I left mine in New York in the form of my faux-fiance Bill and my soon-to-be adopted baby girl Noxema. Bill, an avid BWOT reader, sent me the following picture with a note: "I will be sending you pictures like this from time to time to remind you of some of the hideous fashions that you left behind."

Now THAT is dedication.

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. Argyle thigh-highs stuffed into ugly orthopaedic shoes.


And, P.S., I hate those damn Vera Bradley bags. (sorry, Dina.)

God I miss subways.

Denise Has Gone Fishin'...

Dear readers -
This Saturday I will be driving cross country to my new home in Los Angeles. And the best news? My mother has decided it's necessary to drive with me.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother. But four days, trapped in a car with my mother does not sound like my idea of a good time. (my mother once told me she was praying I'd "protect my precious things" and, FYI, she was referring to my precious "lady" things)

So think of me, fair readers, as I cruise through such exotic destinations as Columbus, Tulsa and Albuquerque on my way to Hollywood where I'll be one step closer to living my dream of being Paris' BFF...that is, until I meet Coco T.

Talk to you soon!

~ D

Good god...

Have you heard these tapes of police interviewing dear, dear Paris Hilton about a crime committed against Joe Francis, the creator of 'Girls Gone Wild?'

And I quote, "I'm not, like, that smart."


Click here to listen.

Why oh why?

Jared Leto officially makes me want to vomit. Check out this picture posted on EOnline.com.



So many questions rolling through my mind right now. Among them:
1. WHY is he wearing those damn Crocs?
2. Why hasn't he showered in, what I can only assume has been, several weeks?
3. Where did he get exact replicas of David Hasselhoff's sunglasses from Knight Rider?
4. What's with the shirt? Or is that a weird 1980s leotard thing over a black t-shirt? Why can't I figure out what's happening up there?
5. Why are his jeans so tight? Doesn't he love his bits and pieces? Then why doesn't he want them to breathe a bit?

Anyone else notice....?

I liked John Mayer when he first hit the scene. I thought his voice was oddly refreshing, his sound somewhat unique. Now I find myself annoyed with him for no apparent reason. Maybe it's because he was inexplicably linked to Jessica Simpson for like 5 minutes. (which, by the way, I'm told was a publicity stunt from Camp Simpson - a stunt gone horribly awry)

Anywho, so he annoys me now. That's the point of my rambling. But I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same way.

I'm also wondering if anyone has noticed that he is starting to look a lot like Edward Scissorhands' not-so-distant cousin?

From the AP photo desk...

Jeff Watson gets a kiss from his bear, Brody, on September 8 at the convention center in Mobile, Alabama. Brody, 11, was just 8 weeks old when he started living with Watson. The two have appeared together in a movie and numerous television shows.



I'm an animal lover too but I think you'll agree with me when I say, "eew." I think Jeff looks a bit too into that kiss.

The new Charlie's Angels?

How awkward is this picture of Lisa Marie Presley, Eve and Dita Von Teese at the MAC Viva Glam party?



Eve looks adorable. The dress with those boots - so cute. The hair, the make-up - clean and flawless. I even don't mind that I can sort of see those wretched tiger paw tatoos of hers through the cut-outs. She looks THAT cute.

Then there's Lisa Marie Presley who looks cranky and uncomfortable and matronly and sort of like a ticket agent at a Greyhound Bus terminal. Except for the shoes - which would be cute if I couldn't see that halacious blue/green toenail polish poking through. I think we all know how I feel about oddly colored nail polish. (and it's not good, people)

I like to think I'm somewhat hip and with it, but I will admit that I had to IMDB Dita Von Teese to figure out who she was. I mean, I vaguely recall that she's engaged to Marilyn Manson, a "man" which I find utterly repulsive on multiple levels. She's quite pretty in a really pale, somewhat sickly bride of Frankenstein kind of way. I suspected she is an actress...and I was right. Sort of. Her credits include such notable films as "Naked and Helpless," "Tickle Party: Volume 2" and "Bound in Stockings."

So it should come as no surprise to you, readers, that a family-friendly company like MAC would have Dita as a spokeswoman. She stands alongside a woman who's been married four times (including once to Michael Jackson) and a woman whose songs include the lyrics "My bitches my bitches that'll change the locks. My bitches my bitches that'll cut up your clothes. My bitches my bitches that'll steal your stash. My bitches are bold my bitches are cold."

God bless good old fashioned American values.

Aren't they precious?

So, I was trying to confirm a suspicion - that Ice and Coco T always wear matching outfits. And not in the cute Jada/Will Smith way, but in a slightly skanky, pimps & hos, breakfast buffet at Solid Gold kind of way.

So I found this:



Lovely. Lavander spandex is so elegant, yes?

And then this:



Orange is clearly her color. (Holy aereolas, Batman!)

And this:



I mean, black mesh is so classic - it really goes with anything.

Oh, and then this:



And while looking at that series of pictures I came across this one:



Now, I wonder. When did plumber crack become sexy? I mean, I've heard of regular cleavage. I've heard of toe cleavage. (weird and creepy) But THIS? No no no. I'm not okay with it.

The conspiracy theory thickens...

First let me say that I received this email from someone who will remain un-named. I will not "out" the source.

Second, I don't know that this is true.

Third, but it sure as hell sounds plausible.

So read with a grain of salt.

+++++++++++

From: -----
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 15:24:08 -0400
To: -----
Subject: SURI

Guess what I heard:

You guys are not going to believe this... I finally found out why Katie Holmes agreed to this charade with Tom Cruise. Here's the story:

It all started when Katie was engaged to Chris Klein. Apparently, he is the father (just wait, listen to the evidence). So, Chris Klein broke off the engagement and has been pretty cold ever since. Katie was either already pregnant or became pregnant during their break-up and get back together phase (it's unclear). Katie was basically heart broken and pregnant with a baby whose father wanted nothing to do with them.

In comes Tom Cruise. It was the perfect situation: Tom is gay and needs to be married to cover his image and Katie was in need (and Tom paid Katie to enter into this contract). Katie and Tom began their whirlwind romance right after Katie's engagement was called off. They had to make it intense right off the bat because she didn't have a big window to "get pregnant". Hence the couch jumping and other ridiculous acts that were done to make the public believe that they were so in love that they just wanted to have a baby right away.

Fast forward. Remember how quickly Katie got big and how big she was for so long??? She actually delivered the baby well before they announced the delivery, AND that's why they've kept the baby in hiding for 4 months. It's easy to tell that a 2 month old could not possibly be 3 weeks old, but there's not a huge difference between a 4 month old and a 5 month old.

Got it. It's crazy and you heard it here first ;)

Well THIS came out of left field...

Okay. Maybe I'm naive, but I was actually pretty surprised by this news. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are getting divorced. (click here to read the AP article)

Is anyone else shocked by this?

I mean, they're both insane. Yes. I get that. But there was something sort of...dare I say, charming about their relationship. Like two complete and utter whack jobs found each other and decided to share their lives, their drugs, their catch phrases. (Crack is whack, yo!)

Is there no hope for any of us?

This makes me sad...

...but not sad enough not to post it.



Has it really come to this, Jordan Knight? Signing autographs in the junior's department at a Wal-Mart? Couldn't you manage to finagle your way onto Dancing with the Stars or Celebrity Duets or The Surreal Life...again?



That's right, Jordan. Do what I do. Eat your sorrows away.

My two favorite peeps!

I had to post this picture of my two favorite people - Coco and Paris. Thanks to XXXtina for sharing!



You can just imagine the intense dialogue that must've taken place.

Coco: Hey, girlfriend!
Paris: Um, do I know you?
Coco: I'm Coco! You know, Coco T? Ice T's wife? We met at that Strip-Aerobics class I taught last summer?
Paris: Um, whatever. I only drink Long Island Iced Teas.
Coco: Yeah, that's cool. Me too. Um, that's a drink, right?
Paris: Siiiigh. Whatever. Can you see my crotch in this dress?
Coco: No.
Paris: Damn. That's IT. My stylist is TOTALLY fired.
Coco: Hey look! A photographer!
Paris: Eew. Your faux-boob is totally touching me. Make it stop.
Coco: Sorry, they have a mind of their own.
Paris: Whatever. I got $50,000 to be here. What did you get?
Coco: Actually, I snuck in the kitchen entrance.
Paris: Whatever. Look, I've gotta go. (to photographer) Don't, like, publish this or anything, okay? It'll ruin my classy image.

Skeletor Strikes Again...

For the love of God and all that is holy. Kate Bosworth, please, PLEASE eat something.



No. Seriously. That's gross and creepy. And you're so pretty! EAT SOMETHING! ANYTHING! A TIC-TAC! PRIME RIB!

I mean, it's no wonder Orlando Bloom broke up with you. He was probably skeeved out every time he wrapped his arms around you and felt the consistency of celery.

EAT SOMETHING. Just gain a few pounds. Not a ton - like 10...or maybe more like 50.

Doesn't this HURT? Oh god. I think I'm nauseous. Must...avert...eyes....

Guess who!?

More of The Hoff...

You have to love a man who knows what a jackstick the world thinks he is. But you have to love him EVEN MORE when he uses that jackstick persona to make some cold, hard cash.

For this reason - along with the hours of joy he provided as "Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade, to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless" - David Hasselhoff is my idol.



Click here to watch the commercial for yourself.

I'm just reporting the news...

I'm not going to say anything disparaging about Paris. I'm just going to report the news. No harm in that, right?

Click here to read about the dumbass's...um, I mean, the young lady's latest shenanigans.

We're not gonna take it...

I liked Twisted Sister just as much as the next guy.



I especially liked when they made that cameo appearance in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Thought that was excellent.

And I mean, how can you NOT love a band that sings the lyrics:

OH WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT
NO, WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT
OH WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE

WE'VE GOT THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE AND
THERE AIN'T NO WAY WE'LL LOSE IT
THIS IS OUR LIFE, THIS IS OUR SONG
WE'LL FIGHT THE POWERS THAT BE JUST
DON'T PICK OUR DESTINY 'CAUSE
YOU DON'T KNOW US, YOU DON'T BELONG

I mean, that's just good ol' quality American music is what that is.

HOWEVER...I have a few words for lead singer Dee Snider. Namely, I'm not going to take it anymore, Dee. I have the right to choose whether or not I want to have regularly occuring nightmares and this...this...DISPLAY of flesh and crispy hair and more eye make-up than Tammy Faye Baker...well, this is an assault to the very nature of my security.



Plus, you're 51 years old. And I'm not sayin' that's ancient or anything but it's too old for leather pants, mesh ANYTHING and certainly too old for that wig.



P.S. Kimberly Stewart called. She wants her crimping iron back.

32 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time...

ThePhoenix.com has ranked the worst song lyrics of all time. And let me tell you, they got it RIGHT on the money.

Here's a sampling:

THE SONG: Black Eyed Peas, "My Humps"
THE LYRIC: "My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps."
THE VERDICT: This has got to be the least appealing description for the female anatomy every conceived.

THE SONG: LFO, "Summer Girls"
THE LYRIC: "New Kids On the Block had a bunch of hits / Chinese food makes me sick / And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer."
THE VERDICT: We would print out the whole song, but we threw up after they rhymed "speakin’" with "Alex P. Keaton."

THE SONG: Chubb Rock, "Mr. Large"
THE LYRIC: "Like Mario Puzo, I'm The Don. W-W-I'M-THE-SHIT-DOT-COM"
THE VERDICT: We keep trying to get to this website. Keep getting error messages. Oh, wait. Yeah, he only says two Ws. The last W was obviously being reserved for "what the fuck?"

THE SONG: Eminem, "Ass Like That"
THE LYRIC: "I ain’t never seen an ass like that / The way you move it, you make my peepee go DOING DOING DOING"
THE VERDICT: One 'doing' would have sufficed, no?

So good - click here to read the whole article for yourself.

They are the cutest...

Okay, if I were a lesbian I would be in love with Heidi Klum and Gwen Stefani. But since I'm not, I'll settle for being in love with Seal and Gavis Rossdale. How CUTE are these four, strolling around NYC's Meatpacking District with their little ones?

I mean, I don't pretend to know the personalities of celebs. (except for Paris Hilton's and I think you all know how I feel about her) For all I know, Gwen, Heidi, Seal and Gavin are all assholes who perform satanic rituals on fluffy kittens in back alleys. BUT, and I could be wrong, they just all seem like they'd be so nice, don't they?







Love them. And please check out the shoes on Gwen and Gavin's baby...so cute. He's an f-ing rockstar already.

Destiny fulfilled...

I've often wondered if a person could be lucky in life, but unlucky in love. Can you live a charmed existence, filled with family and friends and happy memories and amazing opportunities yet never find that one person who completes you?

But just when I start getting sad and digging into my third pint of Ben & Jerry's Fish Food ice cream, I see pictures like these and think, "Good Lord Jesus there IS someone for everyone."



That's really the only way to explain how these two got hooked up in the first place. No idea who they are? Well, that's Tamyra Gray from American Idol - remember her? She was so good. Lost to Kelly Clarkson. Went on to try her luck on TV with a recurring role on Boston Public.

The guy? Not ringing any bells? I'll give you a hint:

I want to sex you up
All night (girl you make me feel good)
I want to (let me rub you down) sex you up
Say do you feel lonely girl
Let me turn down the lights
So I can hold you in the darkness
Ooh baby, let's make love tonight

Got it now? YES! That's Chris Watters from Color Me Badd! Remember them? They, like INVENTED the ridiculously shaved eye-brows look.



They got married in Italy. Given what I can only assume is their current financial situation, I'm pretty surprised they didn't get married in Atlantic City. But hey, who am I to judge?

So, single people - whenever you start to feel down on love, just remember. If Chris and Tamyra can cross the C-List Celebrity Void and find each other, there's hope for all of us.

The baby allegedly known as Suri...

I'll give 'em this. They definitely made a cute baby...



...out of wax. That baby's not REAL. They can't fool me! I have a mind like a steel trap! They BORROWED that baby from some fellow Scientologist woman or perhaps, they stole an animatronic elf from the "Its A Small World" ride in DisneyWorld.



Sigh...fine...no more conspiracies. God she's kind of cute, huh?

Know what's not cute? This. (thanks, Linette)



The same Brooklyn museum who gave us that horrific sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth has now given us Suri Cruise's bronzed poop. God I hope this doesn't become a trend.

Cyanide & Happiness...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

This is killing me...

Okay, I'm just going to go ahead and let DListed do my dirty work for me.

http://dlisted.blogspot.com/2006/09/why-is-paris-crying.html

Robbing the cradle...

Hellooooooo Haley Joel, or as I like to think of you, mini Robert Redford.



The little pothead is even cute in his mugshot. Sigh. So dreamy. Oh to be 13 again.

More Tom Cruise bashing...

Worth1000 has some suggestions about new careers for Tom Cruise. Click here to see for yourself!

"In The Bush Tom" just might be my favorite:

Blast from the past!

Holy crap it's Axl Friggin' Rose! Axl! Where've you been buddy? And why are you hanging out with a guy who needs a sign around his neck so that people know he's got talent?



I love him. I know he's like C-list. But I love him.

My new favorite psuedo-celebrity...

I can't believe I missed this photo in my VMAs wrap-up! It's Coco, Ice T's wife again!



She's so classy. I like the fishnet dress. Nothing says elegant like fishnet.

VMAs Fashion: The Best, The Worst...

First, the best. (because, let's face it - The Worst is so much more fun)

KELIS.



I think she looks adorable. Young, fresh, classy and sexy...and this is ironic for a woman who sings a song about her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard.

...and now I'm done with The Best. I mean, there were a lot of others who looked great - Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, The Pussycat Dolls (all of 'em), Jessica Simpson who proves you can't go wrong with a little black dress and pretty hair.




But forget them. Let's get to the good stuff. The Worst.

SARAH SILVERMAN.



I realize, of course, that Sarah Silverman is a comedian whose very life work is to make people laugh. But I'm going assume that she wants people laughing WITH HER, not AT HER. I learned the difference between WITH and AT the time I gave myself a perfectly round hickey on my forehead by sticking a suction-cup-backed basketball hoop to it repeatedly. There was no WITH. There was only AT. And this horrible plum painter's smock paired with black pantyhose (gasp!) and the ugliest shoes Payless carries is just wrong on multiple levels. It's not funny, Sarah. Not funny at all.

RIHANNA.



I thought they cancelled Ice Skating with the Stars?

PETRA NEMCOVA.



Clearly Petra was getting ready to accompany her boyfriend, James Blunt, to the VMAs and, on her way out the door she realized she'd forgotten to accessorize. So she grabbed her favorite gold necklace and dashed out the door. But in her rush, she tried to put the necklace on over her head instead of undoing the clasp and - and I totally saw this coming - it got stuck. But hell, she's a mother f-ing Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model, right? She can rock anything, right? Wrong.

PARIS HILTON.



Okay, here's thing. I may or may not be newly employed by a company that has a...er, relationship with Paris so I have to curb my venomous spewing when it comes to her. But I will not be completely censored...I hate this ensemble and to me it resembles the infamous Bjork swan dress all too closely.

Okay, enough said. Moving on.

JENNIFER LOPEZ.



I'm not sure why Jen thought Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard was a good fashion role model, but apparently she did. I have a sneaking suspicion she didn't have time to wash her hair this morning and this is the "fancier" alternative to a baseball cap and ponytail. But, ay chihuahua, check out the size of those diamond earrings!

FERGIE.



Okay, here's the thing. I feel morally obligated to put this on The Worst list but, I have to tell you that's only because I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I wish I could rock this kind of outfit and still be cool.

BROOKE HOGAN.



I am so skeeved out by this picture. For a variety of reasons. First and foremost because it looks like she stole that dress from a glass-enclosed Flintstones display at Planet Hollywood. Second, I'm not sure how I feel about her standing there with her father while dressed like a $2 hooker. Third, I hate chipped red nail polish. I HATE IT. You're going to a g-damn awards show - freakin' spend the $30 and get yourself a g-damn manicure. UGH. Drives me insane. Fourth, I think I can see her uterus in that dress. Did part of it get ripped off in the limo door? Fifth, She's like 16 for God's sake! Not cool, Hulk. Not cool.

Whew! Okay, that was fun! Oh, a couple more things I want to comment on. I'm going to petition...um, petition someone to make bling acceptable for non-rap stars to wear. 'Cause quite frankly, I think that bejeweled shot glass could come in very handy for me.