It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel FINE!

Today was Katie Couric's last day on the Today Show. There's a song that comes to mind...gee...what is it again? Oh yes.

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!

Hasta la vista, Katie Couric.

Ugly in Pink...

I don't mean to turn this blog into an anti-Paris raving, but my god, could there be a better target?



No. I think not.

The worst part of this outfit (and yes, there is a WORST part, scary as that may be) are the shoes:



What nursing home garage sale did she pick those up at? Sadly, I bet those vile things cost more than everything in my closet combined. Same with the t-shirt...which is ugly and just plain dumb looking. Seriously, the whole outfit looks like she stole it off a kid from a "special school." Like she hijacked the short bus in an attempt to build her street cred. Some ear muffs and a crash helmet would complete the outfit perfectly. (okay, that was mean.)

Are those her pajamas? God I hope so.

God, Go Fug Yourself makes me laugh.

Sad day...

I am sad. Paul Gleason has died. No idea who Paul Gleason is? Sigh:



Yes. Principal Vernon from The Breakfast Club.

This makes me sad. Seriously.

I mean, yes, he did play a jerk. A jerk who tried to keep my former crush Judd Nelson down. But in the end Principal Vernon gave us one of the best quotes in movie history.

"Dont mess with the bull, young man, or you'll get the horns."

Now that's quality writing. I salute you, Paul Gleason. I salute you.

The Anti-Christ Has Cometh...

The four horsemen of the apocalypse should be arriving any minute now. Know how I know?

Hang on. This is hard for me to say – I can’t seem to get past the gag reflex. Paris Hilton…gag…is remaking…GAG…Rod Stewart’s…GAG GAG…”Do You Think I’m Sexy.” GURGLE, VOMIT, HEAVE, GAG.

The very thought of her writhing around in an outfit she borrowed from her Skipper doll, making breathy, overtly sexual innuendos about how hot she is makes me queasy.

"I have always had a voice and always known I could sing, but I was too shy to let it come out," Hilton was quoted as saying. "When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most."

Shy? Paris Hilton is shy? You mean THIS Paris Hilton:



Hmm…interesting.

The first single on her album is called “Stars Are Blind.” Too bad it isn’t called “Denise is Deaf” because this is one time that I’d actually welcome a disability.

Way to accessorize...

Ay chihuahua. Mischa Barton what are you doing?


(Image courtesy of The People We Love to Hate)

You know what I love about this outfit? No, not the fact that glamour-girl Barton looks like an upscale crackwhore with those Whole Foods bags. I love the fact that, even though she's clearly wearing her "my maid was deported and I haven't done laundry in a month" outfit, she took the time to accessorize with that ghetto-fab gold chain.

Don't get me wrong. I've been known to run to the store dressed like a homeless person too. I mean, we can't be sexpots all the time, right Mish? But usually, when I make a mid-morning coffee run in my glow-in-the-dark Super Mario boxer shorts and my University of Miami Hurricanes t-shirt, I'll leave the "bling" at home. But that's just me.

UGG again!

Good lord God. I thought we discussed this.



It's May. It's Southern California. Why the UGGs?

Oh, baby!

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had their baby. The name? Shiloh Nouvel.

Hey, celebrities! Your children have to go through life with these names. Okay, okay…I get it. You want them to be unique and you think because they’re a celebrity-child that people will somehow think it’s okay that they’re named after fruit or poodles. But it’s not. Really. Not one bit.

I’m sure you’ve heard of most of these but I thought I’d highlight some of my favorite celebrity-baby names.

BABIES WITH NAMES THAT ARE ONLY OKAY FOR A POODLE OR OTHER SMALL LAP DOG:
- Rachel Griffiths – Banjo (there was a farmer had a dog and Banjo was his name, oh. B-A-N-J-O, B-A-N-J-O, B-A-N-J-O and Banjo was his name, oh)
- Courtney Cox – Coco (shimmy, shimmy coco puff. shimmy, shimmy, rock.)
- Bob Geldof (the guy who produced Band-Aid) - Peaches Honeyblossom, Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie (I have no words. Would you be able to take someone seriously with a name like Fifi?)
- Robert Rodriguez - Racer, Rebel and Rocket (alliteration aside, WTF?)
- Jamie Oliver (the “Naked Chef”) – Daisy Boo (Is the "Boo" because it's such a scary name?)
Tom Hanks – Truman and Chester (my dog’s name is Truman and Chester reminds me of Chester Cheetah. Enough said.)

BABIES WITH NAMES THAT ARE ONLY COOL FOR AN INDIE ROCK BAND:
- Jason Lee - Pilot Inspektor (Maybe he was conceived during a rerun of “Wings?”)
- Shannyn Sossamon (who is apparently some actress/DJ) – Audio Science (yeah, I've got nothing.)
- Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller) – Moxie Crimefighter (No, seriously. That’s what he named his kid. No, for real.)

BABIES WITH NAMES THAT WOULD BE OKAY FOR A BEER:
- Casey Affleck (Ben’s brother) - Indiana August
- Mel C (from the Spice Girls) - Phoenix Chi (actually, this sounds more like something you'd get at Starbucks)

BABIES WITH NAMES THAT WILL DRIVE THEM TO BECOME PORN STARS:
- Michael Hutchence (former INXS front man) – Heavenly Hirani Tigerlilly
- Christie Brinkley – Sailor Lee
- Gwyneth Paltrow – Apple

BABY NAMES THAT DEFY EXPLINATION:
- Gillian Anderson – Piper Maru
- Michael J. Fox - Aquinnah Kathleen, Schuyler Frances (His son’s name is Sam. What kind of misogynistic bastard is MJF that he’d give his daughters such vile names?)
- Richard Gere – Jigme (Jigga, WHAT?)
- Nicholas Cage – Kal-el (Wasn't this Superman's "real" name?)

Allan's Useless Fact of the Week...

The word "pixel" originally referred to the colored pegs in the Hasbro Lite-Brite.



Aww, Lite-Brite. My mom wouldn’t let me have one. I think it’s because I was a “healthy” child and she was afraid I would eat the pegs. They did kind of look like Gummy Bears so there’s a distinct possibility she was right.

Oh, you know what else my mom wouldn’t let me have? Mac-n-cheese.



I’ve moved on and forgiven her. And now that I’m a big girl I get to eat all the mac-n-cheese my greasy, cholesterol-riddled heart desires. But that’s neither here nor there.

Back to toys. My favorite toy ever was the Snoopy Snow Cone Maker.



You know what was so great about it? It was great practice for learning how to make frozen drinks – margaritas, daiquiris, etc. In fact, I wish I had a Snoopy Snow Cone Maker today. It was so much easier to clean than my blender.

Incidentally, snow cone makers were the hot Christmas gift last year. I know this because my ex-boyfriend spent hours trying to track one down online for his nieces. I guess it’s part of some retro toy craze because I keep seeing 15 year old girls wearing Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bear clothes and accessories.

Crap, did I just use the word “retro” to refer to toys I used to play with? I suddenly feel nauseous and unable to finish this story.

I'm going to go make a margarita, some mac-n-cheese and call it a night.

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. Big, foam, white flip-flops when you're out on the town.


Okay, listen. I'm all about comfort too. And don't think I've never wanted to wear my flip-flops out at night in Manhattan because I totally have. But then I asked myself, "Do I want people think I'm white trash?" And usually the answer is no, so I put the flops away and put on some "big girl" shoes.

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. Letting it all hang out...


...and by "all," I mean of course her ta-tas. Lady, we get it. You've got boobs. Me too. Put them away now, okay? Thanks.

Also, I'm pretty sure I wore that purse to my 7th grade formal.

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. "Clear" bra straps.


What is the point of this kind of bra? Ladies, those straps are not made of the same materials as Wonder Woman's invisible jet. We can still see them. In fact, they look sort of yellowed and gelatinous and all around not pretty. That's why Maidenform invented strapless bras. Look into them.

The Battle of Dakota...

I finally saw War of the Worlds and, if I may be so candid, I want to flog Dakota Fanning’s character.



First and foremost, she used to be cute but now she’s just odd looking to me. Maybe she’ll have an Olsen Twins breakthrough and go from odd monkey-child to attractive mini-Cameron Diaz. But for now, she kind of reminds me of one of those Chinese Crested dogs. Know what I’m talking about?



Second, she screams and whines the entire movie. THE ENTIRE MOVIE. It got to the point that I had to hit the mute button because I was 30 seconds away from throwing my Pumas through the television. If I had a child that obnoxious I would sell her to a Mongolian circus troupe in exchange for some of those cool furry hats they wear.

And furthermore, what sadistic costume designer decided it’d be a good idea to dress her like Rainbow Bright?



Creepy. Just plain creepy.

What is this world coming to?

I needed a good Friday laugh. And Egotastic & TMZ provided. Click here to see some behind the scenes footage of Paris Hilton's new - gag - music video. Looks like she should've used some stickier double sided tape for that bathing suit.

I don't think I need to write anything here. I'll let you fill in the blanks.

Paris Hilton is a _____________.

This song _________________.

I would rather __________________ than buy this album.

(My responses are ho-bag, sucks the big one, gouge my eyes out with a butter knife.)

Cyanide & Happiness

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. White panty hose...AND, panty hose of any color with open toe shoes.


For the love of God and all that is holy, WHY IS SHE WEARING THIS COMBINATION? First and foremost, I hate the shoes. My mother was right when she said straps around the ankles accentuate chubby legs. (of course she was talking about me at the time so I chose to ignore her statement altogether)

Second, white panty hose should be banned unless they are part of a costume - like maybe in a high school drama production of Alice in Wonderland if you're playing the White Rabbit or something. Come to think of it, maybe this woman was on her way to an audition?

This kills me. KILLS ME. Panty hose (and white ones most of all) are the bane of my existence. I refuse - REFUSE! - to wear them for two distinct reasons. The first is that I don't particularly enjoy the sensation of having the crotch hanging between my knees. The second is that I am not a grandmother nor a woman of the cloth. I'm not required to wear them at work, and for the record, if I were, I'd quit immediately. Panty hose are a deal breaker. I do appreciate the control-top function but these days you can get those Spanx thingies or, dare I suggest, buy clothes that fit properly so you don't have to squeeze yourself into them like a Polish sausage.

Just a suggestion.

American Idol

Show of hands. Who here believes that Taylor Hicks, the new American Idol, is actually 29 years old?



Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Yeah, I didn't think so. I'm pretty sure I saw him playing dominos, gumming toast and taking full advantage of the senior special at Denny's. And no, it's not just the gray hair. It's the whole package. I am just not buying it.

In other Idol news...what in Liberace's name is happening with Clay Aiken's hair?



My homegirls at Go Fug Yourself agree. (click here to read!)

Oh good lord...

I'm scared.

'Angels & Demons' to be film
LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) - Buoyed by the box-office success of "The Da Vinci Code," Columbia Pictures is planning to turn author Dan Brown's first best-selling religious thriller, "Angels & Demons," into a movie, the studio said Tuesday.

The Sony Corp.-owned film distributor has signed a deal with Oscar-winning screenwriter Akiva Goldman, who adapted "Da Vinci Code" for the big screen, to create a script for a sequel based on "Angels & Demons," a Columbia spokesman said.

"Angels," a bestseller published in 2000, was Brown's first novel to introduce the character of Robert Langdon, the crime-solving Harvard professor of iconography and religious art played by actor Tom Hanks in the "The Da Vinci Code."

A studio spokesman confirmed a report in Daily Variety that no deals have yet been reached for Hanks or "Da Vinci" director Ron Howard to return for the "Angels" project, but that both would have first crack at the new film.

Sigh...

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

I can't even bothered to list things that are sexy.

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. This guy.


I hate matchy-match outfits. A tangerine shirt and matching tangerine baseball cap? With faded blue pants? Do you play in a wedding band? Is that the new Chick-Fil-A uniform? No? Then stop it. Stop it right now.

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are sexy:
1. A good pedicure.
2. Rose petals in the bathtub.
3. Good hair.
4. The blazer with jeans look.
5. GC.

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. A cropped, fur-trimmed, leather vest.


I'm pretty sure she stole this from the set of that Flinstones movie. This must've been part of Rick Moranis' Barney Rubble costume. Hi. It's almost June. It's 75 degrees out. Leather and fur? Yeah. Not so much.

God I Love Gossip…

** NOTE! Got a few updates from my sister's contact who manages Tom Cruise and Nicole Richie! See updates to 1 and 3 below! **

Ready? No. I don’t think you are. Where to begin? Well, my friend Kelly has an assistant whose mother’s best friend is a big event planner for two *major* nightspots in Los Angeles.

Following so far? Kelly – Assistant – Mother – Friend. Got it? Good. (you guys are so sharp!)

Anywho, while vacationing this week, the “Assistant,” who we’ll call Nina because I like that name, had drinks with the “Friend” who we’ll call Lola because I like that name too. (They’re easy to spell. Sue me.)

“Lola” had one too many cocktails and began to divulge several industry secrets to Nina who gleefully shared them with my friend Kelly. And Kelly, being the giver that she is, shared them with me. Whether or not they’re true…who knows? But they make for fun conversation. So here are these little nuggets - these precious gems of information – so you can do with them as you please.

1. Nicole Goes Too Far
Apparently Nicole Richie had her stomach stapled after the first season of The Simple Life. Yeah. That’s right. She had her stomach stapled because God forbid she be…Gasp! Dare I say it? A size 6! (the horror!) So she had her stomach stapled and now thinks she’s “too skinny” although clearly she’s not that concerned because she keeps shrinking. She’s starting to remind me of this pencil someone gave me. It has a big Koosh ball on top. Remember Koosh balls? (That’s right. Let the visual sink in. Theeeeere you go.) -- Okay, according to the contact, Nicole didn't have the stomach stapling. She's battling anorexia and has battled bulemia in the past. The Koosh pencil reference is true though.

2. One Night in Paris, Richie Style
Curious as to what really happened between Paris (cough, cough, skank, cough) and Nicole? Well according to my new BFF “Lola,” Nicole decided to show Paris’ little…ahem…”documentary” at a party she threw at her house. Awww, why such a party pooper, Paris? By this point in time half the world has seen your lady-bits. What? Now you’re shy all of a sudden?

3. SurTomKat = Big Business
“Lola” claims to have seen the contract between Tom and Katie. She gets more each year that she stays with him and pocketed $5 million for having his baby. The tabloids won’t unearth the truth because Tom is a powerful force in Hollywood. Okay, okay…as much as I want to believe it’s true because it would explain why Katie Holmes has gone from cute girl next door to zombie bride, I’m just not buying this one. First of all, you’re telling me one of the gossip rags (which I love) wouldn’t jump at the chance to print something like this if it had the chance? And second, $5 million isn’t nearly enough of a bribe to make me push something the size of a watermelon out my dime hole. (“dime hole” is my pregnant sister’s phrase…I’m merely borrowing with pride. It makes me giggle every time I hear it.) -- Though our contact confirms that Tom and Katie have a weird agreement/pre-nup that gives her a poop load of money if they split, she's not "forced" to stay with him.

4. Lindsey Earned the “Ho-Han” Nickname
Blah, blah, blah Lindsey’s a ho-bag. Blah, blah, blah she’s totally coked out most of the time. Blah, blah, blah she asked some of “Lola’s” friends to have a threesome with her. Blah, blah, blah she’s like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn. (Oh man! I’ve been dying to use that in a blog! Woo! Mission accomplished!)

5. Stalking Simpson
Apparently Jessica was hitting it with Adam Levine. And her plan was to leave Nick for Adam. Only Adam was clearly just trying to get his freak on and had no interest in “settling down” with Jess. (and I just don’t know why because she strikes me as the kind of girl you’d wanna bring home to momma…if she lives in a crack house, that is.) Point is, Adam dumped her ass like yesterday’s trash and hasn’t called her since. In other Simpson news, Jessica and Ashlee are apparently total jerks. Oh, and Jessica’s best friend/personal assistant quit because she’s having a little “flagrante delicto” with Nick. You go, Cacee. You go. (Oh, but Cacee? Before you go - can you please not spell your name that way? It's annoying. Thanks.)

6. And Speaking of Stalkers…
“Lola” is good friends with Ryan Seacrest and says he’s a lovely man. According to Ryan, after he went out once with Teri Hatcher he’d had enough. Teri allegedly started stalking Ryan after they hooked up one night. Calling him all the time, driving by his house, writing your first name with his last name over and over and wondering what you did to deserve this kind of treatment because didn’t you wash his clothes and give him backrubs and never complain when he watched a stupid baseball game instead of Grey’s Anatomy and always put his shoes up on your bed when you had the “good sheets” on and…

Oops. Right. Sorry. Focus, Denise. Focus.

Ahem. So that’s it. Do with this information what you will. But try, my friends, to use it for good and not evil.

Can you be too skinny?

Is it just me or do others see the similarities between Teri Hatcher and Skeletor from the He-Man cartoons.



Same bone structure, cheek bones, etc.

No? Don't see it?

Here...maybe this'll help:

Keep the DaVinci Code Under Lock and Key

Ron Howard, you are dead to me. DEAD. Not only that, but I think I’ve lost my penchant for redheads. And it’s YOUR fault, Ron. You did this to me. To ME, Ron. After everything we’ve been through. Cocoon, A Beautiful Mind...Splash, for God’s sake. Did that mean nothing to you?

Clearly it did not.

I was so looking forward to the DaVinci Code. I loved the book. Ran out and bought Dan Brown’s other three books and practically swallowed them whole.

I have to admit that when you announced Tom Hanks would play Robert Langdon I was a bit perturbed. I simply didn’t feel that Tom was Langdon. Harrison Ford. Now that's a Robert Langdon. But you know what, Ron? I trusted you. I said to myself, “Self. Don’t you worry. Ronnie would never let you down.”

Sigh…

I could get over the fact that Tom Hanks’ looked like a crow had died on his head. A sick crow with some sort of disease that caused its feathers to be slightly greasy.



Know what I can't forgive, Ron? The crappy dialogue, almost non-existent plot, annoying French tart sidekick, and characters with zero redeeming qualities whatsoever. Want to know Ron’s secret recipe for making a DaVinci Code movie? Take one part Joe Versus the Volcano, one part Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and one part Glitter. Stir vigorously then pour down the drain. Voila!

Let’s talk about the tart for a mo'. Audrey Tautou. When I saw her in the previews I thought she was just adorable. A tiny little soufflé of spunk and sass. And then she talks. I can think of about 27 times during the movie when you hope that Ron Howard will deviate from the story and kill off her character. Would you like some cheese with that whine, Audrey? No? Then ferme la bouche. Or as we say in American, shut your pie hole. (It’s odd that the French think Americans are crass, don’t you think?)

And as for you, Mr. Hanks. What in the name of Forrest Gump were you thinking? Did you think the movie-going public would be so enthralled by your superstardom and the conspiracy theories that they wouldn’t recognize bad acting when they saw it? Puhlease. As my grandmother would say, “Yo nací de noche pero no anoche.” (Translation: I was born at night but not last night. Deep, yes?)

Where was I, Ron? Oh yes. Look, the thing is, I really wanted to love this movie. I really wanted to come out all fired up. Instead I walked out feeling like I’d just gotten a terrible haircut and some junior stylist had given me micro-bangs and I felt betrayed and bewildered and I wondered who would ever love me again with micro-bangs? Do you understand Ron?



No. I’m guessing you don’t.

Allan’s Useless Fact of the Week

The phrase "couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag" came from an incident in the 1940s when famous boxer Lefty Rogers suffocated because of a paper bag his mistress had put over his head during a fling.

Awww. Who doesn’t love a good story about sex, murder and a sport that requires grown men to wear clown shoes on their hands and beat each other senseless?



Whatever. Not the point.

This fact led me to do a little research to find other dramatic…um…break-ups from the not-so-distant past.

1. Proof That Money Can't Buy Class
This probably can’t be considered a break-up since they weren’t really dating – just bumping uglies. And in this case, it was really, really ugly. Anywho, last week Brandon Davis, being the class act that he is, was recorded calling Lindsey Lohan a “firecrotch” who’s lady-parts smelled like “diarrhea.” (click here to watch this) He also said something along the lines of, “She’s only worth like $7 million dollars which means she’s like really poor.” Eew. Have you SEEN this man? He looks like he’s been rolling around in Crisco. This is a guy who slept with both Mischa Barton and Paris Hilton. I’d get tested and then hosed down with Clorox before calling anyone dirty, Brandon.

2. Crazy Teens in Milwaukee
A 17 year old girl was ticketed by police after calling her boyfriend, his parents and the boy's brother 44 times in a 90-minute period. That has to be a record. She shouldn’t be punished. She should be given her own page in the Guiness Book. Another woman called police to say her boyfriend had stabbed her, stolen her money and her car. She called back a few minutes later to tell them there was no need to send an ambulance. Since NOTHING gets past the Brown Deer, Minnesota police, they decided something was afoot. Turned out the woman was just trying to stop her boyfriend from leaving her. Sweetie, next time try lying in front of his tires. Way more effective, don’t cha know.

And my favorite….

3. Sticking Together in Pennsylvania
It was just like any other night in Pittsburgh. Kenneth invited his ex-girlfriend Gail to his place. My guess? Kenny was looking for love in all the wrong places. What did he get? His boy-bits glued to his stomach. Yeah, that’s right. Boy-bits. Super Glue. Two things that just don’t go together. How you sleep through some psycho gluing your hoo-ha to your abs and your butt cheeks together (did I fail to mention that part?), I just don’t know. I’m a pretty sound sleeper, but I think I’d wake up if someone was spelling out profanities on my back in nail polish. (oh yeah, she did) According to Gail’s attorney, it was a “consensual act,” Kenneth wasn’t “permanently damaged,” and that kind of stuff should be “left in the bedroom.” Yes. Yes it should. IN THE BEDROOM OF AN INSANE ASYLUM OR A HOUSE OF ILL-REPUTE, PERHAPS. Let this be a lesson to all you men. If you date a crack-pot, hide the Super Glue.

Ain't love grand?

Cyanide & Happiness

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are sexy:
1. Bikinis.
2. Cargo shorts - I don't know why, they just are.
3. A good tan.
4. Healthy, glowing skin.
5. Jorge Clooney.

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. This outfit:

Here's the thing. As "stand alone" items, these pieces aren't bad - it's the hideous combination that gets me. The unflattering way that gynormous belt sits on the largest part of her body, the fact that I absolutely hate those horrific "muffin top" pants, and the fact that I'm pretty sure women over 50 should stay away from materials that are more than 75% spandex.

I took this photo at my friend's baby shower. I'm sure it's an aunt or some other close relative. But even though I might be risking losing my friend's trust, I am duty bound to report on these types of fashion violations. I must save others from falling into the same trap. I am a giver, after all.

An open letter to Britney Spears...

Dear Britney,
There you go again. Dropping the baby.

Have you considered investing in that sticky stuff football players use to help them catch the ball? Look into it, Brit. It’s definitely cheaper than the legal fees that must be adding up by now.

I don’t mean to sound judgmental. Maybe you just don’t have anyone to teach you how to be a mom. I mean, let’s face it. That plastic, uppercrust redneck mom of yours clearly knows nothing about raising kids. I like to think that if she did, you wouldn’t have turned out…well, you know what I’m saying, girl. (Nothing but love for you, sister. Nothing but love.)

Again, I’m all about solutions so here are my top 5 rules for baby care. Admittedly I’m no expert. I don’t have any children. But I like children, and children like me and, well, it’s my blog and I can write whatever I want to okay? SO BACK OFF. DO I CRITICIZE YOU WHEN YOU SING STUPID SONGS LIKE “NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN?” NO, I DON’T. SO STUFF IT.

Ahem…where was I? Oh yes…rules for baby care:

1. Babies shouldn’t do headstands until they’re like, oh I don’t know, 10 or so. It’s best if you keep them seated properly instead of dropping them on their heads. You can always teach them how to handstand or do the breakdance “helicopter” when they’re a bit older.
2. Babies shouldn’t drink alcohol so make sure you and Kevin keep the Boons, Wild Turkey, wine coolers and moonshine tucked away somewhere. Maybe in your hope chest where you keep all your other valuables. (Don’t play dumb with me, Britney. I saw what you were holding in the other hand before you almost dropped Sean Preston AGAIN.)

3. Babies have sensitive ears that should not be exposed to loud or shrill noises. (read: tell Kevin he can’t play his music in the house and has to rehearse elsewhere…like say, Taipei – I hear it’s lovely this time of year.)
4. For optimal development, babies should not be exposed to hazardous conditions of any kind. Noxious smells, frightening images, loud sounds, overall filth, etc. In essence:

5. Last but not least, children are like sponges. They pick up on everything, want to copy everything, etc. Perhaps you should look into hiring someone to raise your child. After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and, let’s face it, you two aren’t exactly “blooming.”

Lots of love,
Denise

Who’s Laughing Now?

I have a fear. A phobia. An intense dislike. Of clowns.

What about clowns is funny? They’re just plain scary. Scary, I say!

Take a look at a few of the world’s most famous clowns and TRY not to agree with me.

1. Bozo The Clown

First and foremost, I’m pretty sure he could poke someone’s eye out with that hair. Notice how it looks like two horns sticking out of his head? Know who else has two horns? SATAN. Enough said.

2. Clarabell the Clown from Howdy Doody

I was not old enough to watch Howdy Doody but since the last actor to portray Clarabell died today, I got to see his picture. I don’t mean to disrespect the dead, but WTF? This is a CHILDREN’S show, people. Doesn’t this guy look sort of like a creepy uncle who insisted on hugging you too much and always smelled like salami and Marlboro Reds? Oh, and get this. Apparently he played the mute sidekick to a character called Buffalo Bill. What is this? Clown slavery? He’s some big macho dude’s bitch? I can’t support this.

3. Homey The Clown

I like a good laugh as much as the next girl, but remember Homey? He didn’t even try to HIDE his evil side. He beat children. He made fun of them. Humor and funny one-liners aside, Homey was mean. And a little scary. Denise don’t play that.

4. Krusty The Clown

He’s a jerk, he’s a loudmouth, he drinks too much, he’s sleazy…oh wait, I think I may have dated this guy back in college….

5. Ronald McDonald

Remember those commercials in which Ronald magically appeared in a bored child’s bedroom and made everything McTastic by dancing and making french fries rain from the sky? Ever wonder why he was so “conveniently” nearby? Ahem…stalker.

6. Pennywise from Stephen King’s IT.

No questions here. Pennywise is the definition of evil clown. He looks a whole lot like Bozo, huh? Just a different haircut and sharper teeth. Could this be Bozo’s long lost brother? You know what they say. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I was so traumatized by this movie that I couldn’t sleep for 2 days. And I was like 20 years old when I saw it. In fact, this picture scares me. I may have to delete this entry from my blog.

7. This guy…

I believe I’ve said all I need to say.

Oh, before I go. Want know what I hate even more than clowns? Clown statues.

Not cute. Not cute at all.

Cyanide & Happiness

Tom Cruise’s Alter Ego…

It pains me to admit this almost as much as it pains me to admit I think Adrian Brody is kind of hot. But for the sake of journalistic integrity, I must.

I saw Mission Impossible 3 last night and…gulp…Tom Cruise looked great. Clearly he’s a better actor than I thought because I totally forgot what a complete nut bag he is in real life. (and by “real life” I of course mean Oprah and US Weekly) In fact, for a few brief moments I was transported back to the Tom Cruise of old…to Jerry Maguire Tom Cruise and that ‘you complete me’ moment that made me think, "Sweet baby Jesus I’m going to be single forever."

But this isn’t about me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting this was some Academy Award winning performance. I mean it’s Mission Impossible, people. Not exactly high-brow. But it was a fun, shoot-em-up flick and Tom was a bad-ass as Ethan Hunt, tormented yet devilishly handsome and charming super spy.

See for yourself: http://www.missionimpossible.com/

Another great reason to see this movie – Jonathan Rhys Meyers who I’ve decided is sexy in a Creepy McCreepyPants kind of way.



I’d never heard of Jo-RhyMey but apparently he won a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Elvis in that mini-series. I didn’t see it because I am morally opposed to television mini-series. (unless they are on Lifetime and about bi-polar, murderous cheerleaders or women whose husbands lead secret lives as male escorts…for those I can make an exception.)

What was my point again? Oh right, I didn’t have one.

Support our civil liberties and an individual’s right to be a total wackadoo. Go see Mission Impossible 3.

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder...

Things that are sexy:
1. Flamenco dancing
2. Redheads (yeah, I said it. so what?)
3. The sound of the ocean
4. Guys with accents
5. George Clooney

Things that are NOT sexy:
1. Pink, bunny fur ponchos.


This MAY have been forgivable on a 10 year old girl...not so much on a 50 year old woman. I don't know what I hate more. The fact that it's a poncho, the fact that it's pink rabbit fur, the fact that it's a pink poncho, the fact that it's so heinous it's practically seizure-inducing...so many options to choose from.